The Primary Field, Part I: Bush-Fiorina

Since nobody asked for it, my thoughts on the Republican Presidential field:

Jeb! Bush

Former governor of Florida, little brother, punctuation enthusiast

            Pro: He was actually a decent governor of Florida.

            Con: Um, well, you know…

            Pick your metaphor: New Coke, the Arch Deluxe, the Star Wars prequels, Facebook back when it changed its format every other week.  Jeb! Bush is the hot new version of a well-known franchise that consultants and marketers are sure the public will love right up until the public actually encounters it.

            It’s just a shame that, after Jeb! finishes fourth in Iowa and drops out, George W. will spend the rest of 2016 giving him purple nurples.  Poor old H.W. deserves better than that in his twilight years. 

            I was going to say that the Jeb! campaign isn’t accomplishing anything, but that isn’t right.  He has singlehandedly disproven every conspiracy theory.  Think about it: we’re supposed to believe the Illuminati/Freemasons/Jesuits/Zionists/Rotarians rigged (for example) the World Trade Center with explosives when they can’t even rig a poll to show Jeb! in double digits?

Ben Carson

Neurosurgeon, avant-garde Egyptologist

            Con: Has no prior experience in elected office.

            Pro: Has no prior experience in elected office.

            The big controversy with Ben Carson is that he apparently thinks Joseph (from the Bible (no, not that Joseph from the Bible, the other one)) built the pyramids to store grain, and this proves he’s a crazed religious zealot or something.  To be honest, I’ve lost most of my sensitivity to weird beliefs of political candidates after the last election, which featured a guy who believes some dude in upstate New York 200 years ago found golden tablets that contained new books of the Bible and a guy who believes the federal government must spend hundreds of billions of dollars more than it takes in or we’re in for another Great Depression.  I find both beliefs odd, but I ended up voting for the golden tablets guy because my theoretical kids won’t have to pay for his odd belief.         

            Besides, Ben Carson is just so likable.  He could give a speech tomorrow about the need to throw Philadelphia Eagles fans into concentration camps, and it would sound comforting, reasonable, and sensible.

            (Seriously, Mormons…upstate New York?!)

Chris Christie

Governor of New Jersey, Kool-Aid Man impersonator

            Con: Is a loudmouth bully from New Jersey.

            Pro: Washington could use some bullying right about now.

            I don’t care about Bridgegate.  Seriously, have you ever been on the George Washington Bridge?  It’s always backed up.  It would be like if Tom Wolf got angry at Lancaster County and caused a traffic jam on Route 30 east.  Who would even notice?

            No, what I care about with Chris Christie is the fact that he, on live television, hugged- literally, embraced!- a man who is dedicated to the destruction of all we hold dear.  A man who is blatantly undermining Western civilization’s most beloved institutions with the help of his brainwashed followers and a compliant media.  If we want to save everything that is best about our country, we must oppose this man at every opportunity.  I refer, of course, to Jerry Jones:

I think he also met once or twice with Obama after Hurricane Sandy.

Ted Cruz

Senator from Texas, possible Canadian spy

            Pro: Would excite the conservative base.

            Con: Would not excite anyone else.

If we were electing a president of Conservative Land, this would be the guy to go with.  He's made a career out of being more purely conservative than the Republican leadership (not that being more purely conservative than them is especially difficult).  The problem is that he's trying to convince voters that he's the purest conservative, when a majority of the voters in the general election aren't yet convinced that conservatism is a good thing.  They elected Barack Obama twice, after all.  

Besides which, Ohio is probably going to be a crucial state again.  If the career of Johnny Manziel is any indication, Texans with a healthy sense of self-regard aren't too popular there.

Fun Fact: I worked in Pat Toomey's office during the Cruz-led Obamacare defunding brouhaha in the fall of 2013.  We got a number of phone calls on the subject.  Some were from people who weren't quite sure of Sen. Cruz's name, so they urged Sen. Toomey to "stand with Tom Cruise!"

I assure everyone that Pat Toomey is not a Scientologist.

Carly Fiorina

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO, producer of senatorial-themed short horror films

            Con: Was rejected by the voters of California when she ran for the Senate.

            Pro: Have you seen the types of politicians the voters of California pick?  Would you really want someone they didn’t reject?

            Carly Fiorina has passed the first test of any tech CEO, which is that I don’t have enough bad memories of Hewlett-Packard products not working to wish an infestation of fire ants in her underwear drawer.   (If Michael Dell ever runs for President, he doesn’t have a chance with me.)  In fact, there’s one thing Carly could do that would guarantee my vote for her.

            Watch that video clip, and imagine it being used in this election.  Two words: TRUMP BLIMP- and in the general election: HILLARY BLIMP.

            It’s what I need.

            It’s what you need.

            It’s what America needs.

The 2015 Election in Pennsylvania

Added 11/20/15: The post below mentions Washington County as flipping from Democratic control of the county courthouse to Republican.  A recount was held and the results were reversed.  Here's a corrected map of the county commissioner results statewide:

Here's a labeled county map of Pennsylvania to serve as a key to the maps below:

Now, since I'm (a) a Republican and (b) a believer in getting the most unpleasant part of the task done first...

The Judicial Races :-(

There were three vacancies on the state Supreme Court this year, because one judge reached the mandatory retirement age, one improperly used state resources for her election campaign (and had to send handwritten apologies to every judge in the state as a punishment), and another (who rose to prominence by having a special court for unruly Eagles fans) was caught forwarding pornographic emails.   Can things get any worse?

Okay, now I feel better.  

There was also one vacancy each on the Superior Court and Commonwealth Court.  For Supreme Court, each voter had three votes, with the top three candidates winning (so I'm showing the top three candidates for each county); for the other two positions, each voter had one vote.  Democrats won all five of the judicial elections:

(All election data from the Pennsylvania Department of State, unless otherwise specified.)

The Republican nightmare scenario occurred: the Democrats held onto their traditional strongholds in the southwest while winning suburban Philadelphia, the same combination that sank Rick Santorum in 2006.   Combined, the three Democratic Supreme Court candidates received about 55% of the vote to the Republicans' 42.5%, with independent Paul Panepinto getting about 2.5%.  The Superior and Commonwealth Court races were both about 53-47% Democratic.  The Republicans made some geographic inroads in the lower court races: Delaware County, where Republicans are stronger in local elections than national ones, went for both Lalley and Giordano, while Giordano carried his home base in the Lehigh Valley.  Looking at the top individual vote-getters in the Supreme Court race shows more geographic patterns:

David Wecht, from Pittsburgh, did well in the southwest, like he did in his 2011 election to the Superior Court.  Kevin Dougherty, the brother of a prominent Philadelphia union official, did well in Philadelphia and its suburbs.  On the Republican side, the bar association trumped Penn State.  Of all the counties where a Republican was the top candidate, Judy Olson, who earned a "highly recommended" rating, was the top candidate in all but one  (Mike George's home county of Adams).  Anne Covey, who became prominent with a ruling on the NCAA's fine against Penn State and earned the endorsement of Franco Harris, trailed Olsen throughout the state.

The Turnout Question

Source for 2012 data: uselectionatlas.org

In every county, there was a significant drop in turnout from the 2012 Presidential election to the 2015 judicial elections.  From the county totals, it doesn't seem like turnout favored either party.  Turnout was down in Philadelphia, but also in heavily Republican Lancaster and York counties, and up (or, at least, less down) in both red and blue counties.  

County Commissioners

In most Pennsylvania counties, parties nominate two candidates for county commissioner, and voters get two votes each, but the top three candidates are elected, to give the minority party a voice.  After a net gain of eleven counties in 2011, the GOP held its own this year, managing a slight gain despite the dismal judicial results:

Source: County Commissioners Association of Pennsylvania

Two caveats are in order: Washington County is heading toward a recount, and Northumberland County previously had one Republican, one Democratic, and one independent commissioner, not two Democrats and a Republican.

The Northumberland County Board of Commissioners, 2011

The Democrats did manage to win back Westmoreland, Cambria, and Centre counties.  This, along with the judicial results, suggests that there's still some life left in the Democratic party in western Pennsylvania.  Whether Hillary Clinton or whoever the Democrats nominate for the Senate next year is able to capitalize on this next year, when national issues will be more prominent, remains to be seen.

Silver Linings for Republicans:

• At the county level, the GOP managed to hold onto several counties in the eastern part of the state: three of the four "collar counties" around Philadelphia, both Lehigh Valley counties, and the swing counties of Schuylkill, Carbon, and Monroe.
• Republican Guy Reschenthaler won a special election to the state Senate from the 37th district in suburban Pittsburgh, increasing the Republican majority to 31-19, the biggest since 1954.  Democrats might make up for it by taking the seat of Sen. Dominic Pileggi (R-Delaware Co.), who was elected to a county judge position last week (Pileggi is a former mayor of Chester, so he has now pulled off the governing trifecta of serving in all three branches.  Someone should send him a fruit basket.).  However, Republicans could expand their majority even further next year.  The Democratic-held 15th and 35th districts, based in Harrisburg and Johnstown respectively, look to be competitive, while the Democrats don't have any other obvious targets.
• The Democrats had a heavy fundraising advantage this year; their three Supreme Court candidates raised a total of $8.1 million through October, compared to just under $2 million for the Republicans.  By contrast, U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey (R) had $8.6 million in cash on hand last month compared to a combined $3.45 million for his three Democratic rivals (who have a primary to go through).  Last week's results should encourage Democrats about their chances against Toomey (in the interests of full disclosure, a former employer of mine), but so far, the money advantage is the reverse of this year.
• It's still a year until the Presidential and Senate elections (not to mention the House, General Assembly, and state row offices), and the Republicans have seen just how far behind they are on get-out-the-vote efforts.  If they learn from last week (admittedly, a big "if"), the biggest silver lining will be that this occurred in 2015 and not 2016.  

Tom Wolf Calls for Tax on Runaway Blimps

HARRISBURG- The state budget negotiations were thrown into chaos once again this morning as Gov. Tom Wolf (D) called for a tax on runaway blimps entering Pennsylvania airspace.  

"We cannot let out-of-state interests fly their blimps over Pennsylvania without asking them to pay for the damage they cause," explained Wolf spokeswoman Gabriele Kerner during a press conference.  The press conference was originally called to explain why Wolf vetoed a $45 million stopgap measure to keep little old ladies from spontaneously combusting for the next three months.  Kerner added that the Wolf administration was looking at imposing a tax on jokes and memes related to any unattended blimps in state airspace.  "With our schools and infrastructure woefully underfunded, we cannot afford to let the comedy industry exploit Pennsylvania's resources for free.

Conservative members of the legislature are already blasting the idea.  "Runaway blimp humor is a new and promising opportunity for our state's economy," said state Sen. Scott Wagner (R-York).  "It's ridiculous that, just as this industry is breaking free from its constraints and getting up off the ground, the Wolf administration is looking to deflate it with a new tax.  This is just another example of the Wolf administration's liberal ideology blinding them to the needs of Pennsylvania's business community.  Sure, to an outside observer, the blimp industry may seem to just be floating along, but sometimes it's hard out there for a blimp."

A spokesman for the General Assembly's leadership refused to commit to supporting or opposing the blimp tax proposal until legislators have more time to review it.  This week, the legislature is expected to take up a number of temporary funding measures for popular state spending such as schools, hospitals, the cool side of pillows, the Phillie Phanatic, puppies, bunnies, sending attractive female state employees to go around randomly hugging veterans, baseball, motherhood, apple pie, and Christmas.  Governor Wolf has pledged to veto all of them.

Discussing Jim Webb's Exit with the Vietnamese Guy He Killed

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

This week, former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb dropped out of the Democratic presidential primaries. Here to comment, via seance, is Demh So Dimh, the Viet Cong member Webb killed in 1969.

JD: Comrade Dimh, I understand this is the first American political debate you've seen. Any first impressions?

DSD: Sheryl Crow's rendition of your national anthem allowed me to understand the American military better than fighting them in combat did. If that is what they must listen to, no wonder they are not afraid to die.

JD: Good point. Do you think any of the candidates on stage could appeal to Viet Cong voters?

DSD: Why would they? We are not American citizens, and most of us are also dead.

JD: You could still be a major voting bloc in Chicago.

DSD: Oh, right. Well, in that case, I think Bernie Sanders has a point about corporate power, but his economics are a little too far left for my liking.

JD: Were you surprised to hear yourself mentioned in the debate? Senator Webb mentioned you when the candidates were asked who the enemies were that they were most proud of, and it caused a bit of a stir.

DSD: Really? He mentioned someone who was trying to kill him, instead of a domestic political enemy, and he's the odd one out?

JD: Yes. All the others mentioned domestic political forces. 

DSD: You know I was trying to kill him, right? I wasn't blocking a bill he had proposed. I wasn't raising money to run attack ads against him. I. Was. Trying. To. Kill. Him. I threw a small bomb at him with the intention of blasting him into little bits, and- 

JD: Comrade Dimh, I understand you have strong feelings, but-

DSD: I don't mean to get angry, but if he thinks I'm his enemy, promote him from lieutenant to Captain Obvious. And your political class thinks that's weird?

JD: Some of them do, yes.

DSD: This is why I will never understand your culture.

JD: Would you consider Senator Webb the enemy you're most proud of?

DSD: Actually, no. I'm more angry at the Pho Sho restaurant in Shamokin, Pennsylvania. Bastards stole my family's banh mi recipe. $&#*!

JD: Wrapping up, are there any other aspects of American culture that fascinate you?

DSD: I've been trying to get into your baseball, but I just can't bring myself to follow it that much. The last time I threw a small, round object, it didn't turn out so well.

On Pumpkin Spice

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

I gave in to curiosity yesterday and got a pumpkin spice latte. I got it from McDonald’s, since my hometown doesn’t have a Dunkin Donuts or (despite being in Pennsylvania) a Wawa or Sheetz. 

In the words of Lisa Simpson after seeing the video “Bin Laden in a Blender”: “It delivers what it promises.” It tasted like a blend of pumpkin pie and coffee. As far as fall-related culinary items go, I’d rank it ahead of candy corn but behind apple cider. I’d get it again, but I don’t understand why hipsters go crazy and demand pumpkin spice everything starting halfway through August (then again, I don’t understand most of what hipsters do).

(I did see a recipe for pumpkin spice granola (via BuzzFeed), but I’m afraid if I eat that, I’ll automatically turn into a liberal.)

Now to the question we must ask about any new non-alcoholic drink: how do you make it boozy? (Keep in mind that I don’t have an unlimited budget for pumpkin spice lattes* and new forms of alcohol, so this is all speculation.) Vodka would probably be best here. Usually, my go-to spirit is whiskey, but I think that the whiskey might clash with the pumpkin flavor. Whiskey does go well with Coke, which is just as sweet, so we can’t rule it out completely. Rum is a possibility, but it might be a little too much sugar. Another possibility is replacing the coffee with Kahlua, but I don’t have enough experience with Kahlua to know how that would go.

*In addition to the financial hit, I have to consider the damage to my reputation from excessive pumpkin spice consumption. Consider this email exchange:

Notre Dame fan of my acquaintance: Saw you got a pumpkin spiced latte. Hope you didn’t spill any on your leggings and ugg boots…

Me: No, but it got all over my Clemson sweatshirt!

Argentine Pope Unnervingly Fascinated with British Military Defeats

Source: Quora.com

 

PHILADELPHIA- During a tour of Independence Hall and other Philadelphia historic sites, Pope Francis, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio in Buenos Aires, Argentina, expressed a keen interest in the military strategy behind the American Revolution, particularly battles in which the British army was humiliatingly defeated, according to sources closely involved in the Pontiff's visit.

"I expected that, being a church leader from outside the United States, His Holiness would be most interested in the effect the American Revolution had on global political thought and the relationship between church and state," explained Wayne M. Anthony, a National Park Service guide who led the pope and his entourage through Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell.  "Instead, he seemed fascinated with the strategy George Washington used to fend off the British and end colonial rule in this part of the Western Hemisphere."

According to reporters who accompanied the pope on his tour, Francis was particularly interested in how the Continental Army fended off a larger, better-equipped foe that was able to transport its forces thousands of miles across an ocean to an area where much of the native population still supported British rule.  "Would you say that Washington's crossing of the Delaware and victory at Trenton kept the British out of our beloved Malvinas- er, I mean, Philadelphia's, what do you say, suburbs?" the pope asked of Dr. Nate Green, a Temple University historian who assisted in the tour and associated briefings.  

Although some feared the pope's statements on issues such as the environment, immigration, and capitalism would alienate him from the American public, Francis seemed impressed with his visit, to the point of being excited to make a return journey.  He was overheard suggesting to Fr. Gilbert du Motier, a French priest serving as his aide, a visit to such American locations as Saratoga, New York; Yorktown, Virginia; or Cowpens, South Carolina.  Vatican insiders say New Orleans and Baltimore are also likely stops on the next papal tour.  

Pope Francis seemed keen to connect the American Revolution to current issues in world politics.  When Dr. Green mentioned the role French and Spanish aid played in securing American independence, the pope asked Fr. du Motier to research and prepare a briefing on tensions within the European Union and the possibility of a British exit from the EU.  After the tour, the pope was seen making an international phone call during which he spoke excitedly in Spanish to someone he addressed as "Generalissimo".