Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Celebrity Family Feud: Stanley Cup Edition

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)


(The idea from this came from a Saturday Night Live skit.)
STEVE HARVEY: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Stanley Cup Edition! Our producers spent three hours this morning explaining to me what hockey is, so we’re committed to putting on a great show for you today. We have four celebrities from Pittsburgh taking on four celebrities from Nashville. On the Pittsburgh side, we have columnist Salena Zito-
SALENA ZITO (holding a pen and paper): So, do you believe you’re losing a grip on your place here?
HARVEY: Excuse me? I’m the host of this show. I work here. They even kept me after that flub with Miss Colombia.
ZITO (putting paper away): Sorry, I’m not used to talking to people who actually have jobs.
HARVEY: We have Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger-
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: It’s funny because she talks to people in the Rust Belt a lot.
HARVEY: -Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby-
(SIDNEY CROSBY grins, showing six missing teeth)
HARVEY: -and famed artist Andy Warhol. Andy, I thought you were dead.
ANDY WARHOL: I died in 1987. I am a zombie.
HARVEY: Really? You don’t look any different from how you did when you were alive. On the Nashville side, we have former vice president Al Gore-
AL GORE: I’m so glad to be representing a community that would never turn its back on its- 0h, right.
HARVEY: Sixteen years, and you’re still not over that. We have the legendary Dolly Parton-
(DOLLY PARTON winks suggestively at Harvey.)
HARVEY: I can’t believe I still think that’s hot. We have NFL quarterback Peyton Manning-
MANNING: I’m so proud to be here on behalf of my home state of Louisessee-Indyrado.
HARVEY: -and country singer Toby Keith.
TOBY KEITH: How do you like me now?
HARVEY: I like you just fi-
KEITH: You ain’t much fun.
HARVEY: Do you only speak in song or album titles?
KEITH: That don’t make me a bad guy.
HARVEY: All right then. Salena! Al! Let’s play the Feud! Top five answers on the board- name an excuse you would give your dentist if he found out you hadn’t flossed in five months. (Gore buzzes in.) Al Gore?
GORE: Really? Because I sighed in a debate? You were mad at Bill Clinton over Lewinsky? You don’t think I’m-
HARVEY: Show me Monica Lewinsky! (Buzzer) I am so glad I don’t have to talk about her in the context of anything mouth related. Salena?
ZITO: I find it interesting that frustration with the political class has spread to members of the political class itself.
HARVEY: Show me the political class! Number one answer, forty points! Man, those guys get blamed for everything! The Penguins fans have the board. Ben Roethlisberger, name an excuse you would give your dentist- Ben, what are you doing?
ROETHLISBERGER (attempting to floss with handheld microphone): You said to floss. 
HARVEY: I didn’t- I-
ZITO: I think this goes to show just how widespread the opioid epidemic has become, when-
ROETHLISBERGER: I’m not on opiates.
ZITO: You’re not?
ROETHLISBERGER: I had a couple bottles of Henry’s Hard Grape Soda, but that’s fruity so it doesn’t count. (Buzzer)
HARVEY: Sidney Crosby, name an excuse you would give your dentist for not flossing- what are you doing? (CROSBY has flopped and is lying on the floor. Buzzer.) Andy Warhol, name an excuse you would give your dentist if he- what?!? (WARHOL has painted a series of dental floss containers in psychedelic colors. Buzzer.) Well, that was interesting. 
HARVEY: Next question. Dolly! Ben! Did you notice how I didn’t make a pun on the musical “Hello, Dolly!” there, even though it would be really obvious? Let’s play the Feud! Top five answers on the board. Name a European capital city where it would be really inconvenient to sprain your- Ben?
(ROETHLISBERGER is staring at PARTON. Three guesses where.)
HARVEY: Ben, I’m over here.
MANNING: How does that guy have more Super Bowl rings than me?
HARVEY: The people in my ear are telling me I need to cut to a commercial break. I believe the term “euthanize” was used. When we get back, I’m just going to ditch the rest of this show and have Toby sing something.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Overheard After the Election

"Hello, Best Western Inn & Suites Des Moines.  May I help you?"
"Your name please?"
"B-O-O-K-E-R.  Do you spell 'Cory' with an E?"
"One hundred rooms from June 1, 2019, to February 1, 2020.  That's a lot, but I'll do my best to accommodate you."
"Sir?  You're in luck.  We just had someone with the same order cancel on us, so we can just give you the rooms we reserved for him."
"How did you know his name was Marco?"

---

Subject: Re: WPP question

Jones,

You were right that this raises a few questions.  I can't sign off on it without getting cleared by higher.  For one thing, putting the director of the FBI in the Witness Protection Program poses some obvious conflict-of-interest issues...

---

[Posted on the bulletin board of the Stor-U-Lot Warehouse near Hagerstown, Maryland]

For those of you interested in overtime- we just got word that corporate is going to be moving in shipments of gold paint and dictionaries of obscure Slavic languages to meet anticipated demand in DC.  We're also sending some of the Christmas inventory to Hazelton and Staunton, so there will be plenty of opportunities for extra hours.

---

"You've reached BankJobsPhilly, the number one job placement service for financial professionals in greater Philadelphia.  How may I help you?"
"I'm sorry to hear that we'll be losing your business.  May I ask if we did anything that failed to meet your expectations?"
"Oh, I'm glad to hear your job situation resolved!  Just let me know your name and I can close the account electronically."
"T-O-O-is that M as in Mike, or N as in November?-M-E-Y"

---

Re: Nukes for infidels?

How would I go about getting an exception to the "no nuclear parts for infidels" policy like Abdullah got for North Korea?  Just got off the phone with the Estonians, and they're making an offer I think we should consider...

---

Subject: Correspondents' Dinner?

Steve,

So far, the meetings with Congress are going great.  Lots of eagerness from the Rs (even ones who weren't super helpful in the election) and the Ds are more open-minded than we thought.
One thing keeps coming up though- when does planning for the White House Correspondents' Dinner start?  A number of members in both parties offered to let the boss insult them in his speech.  I said I'd look into it.

Steve

Saturday, October 1, 2016

President Gary Johnson's Daily Schedule

(cross-posted at Ricochet)

PRESIDENTIAL DAILY SCHEDULE
JULY 17, 2018
(All times Eastern Daylight)

5:40 A.M. (Approximate) President Gary Johnson has dream in which he and a talking alligator who is a member of the Chinese Politburo are in the swamps of Louisiana (or possibly Mississippi) looking for Louis Armstrong’s “stash”.  President Johnson then enters a building whose interior resembles that of a Presbyterian church in Scottsdale, Arizona, where he attended the wedding of a high school classmate in 1978, except bigger, and sees a flower which causes him to have an indescribable feeling of peace.
6:30 A.M. President Johnson awakens.
8:00 A.M. President Johnson receives daily briefing from National Security Advisor Edward Snowden.  NO PRESS.  Per protocol, the contents of the briefing will be published on the Wikileaks website no later than 11:oo A.M.
8:30 A.M. President Johnson receives briefing on where all the places mentioned in the daily briefing actually are.
8:45 A.M. Morning Cabinet meeting, moderated by Chief of Staff Willie Nelson.
9:30 A.M. Press availability.  President Johnson will discuss progress in the search for the National Register (as you know, the book containing all the regulations imposed by the federal government has not been seen since President Johnson used it as a stepstool to place a bust of Austrian economist Ludwig von Mises on a high shelf in the Oval Office in February 2017).  He will also give his comments on the Dow Jones Industrial Average recently surpassing the 40,000 mark.
9:45 A.M. President Johnson hails Uber car.
10:05 A.M. (Traffic Dependent) President Johnson arrives at the Isosceles Triangle (formerly the Pentagon) in Arlington, Va.
10:15 A.M.  Meeting with Joint Chiefs of Staff.  Topics to be discussed include progress by Special Forces against rogue elements of the Clinton Foundation holed up in the Catskill Mountains of New York; recent changes to DoD drug policy and consequences for troops who take a drug test and do not have marijuana in their system; and whether to designate Nepal as a Major Non-NATO Ally in advance of the President’s upcoming climb of Mount Everest.  If time permits, President Johnson will have an informal meet-and-greet with Washington Proud Native Americans owner Daniel Snyder on progress on building the franchise’s new stadium on land vacated by DoD after recent budget cuts.
12:00 P.M. President Johnson hails Uber car.
12:30 P.M. Tripartisan Policy Lunch with U.S. Sens. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) and Katie McGinty (D-Pa.)*, focused on wetland conservation.  The discussion will include providing incentives for property owners to preserve wetlands on private land, new uses of data sampling in the management of threatened and endangered species, and whether we’re all just in one big wetland since our bodies are two-thirds water.
1:30 P.M. President Johnson receives Moshe Pitt, Ambassador from the State of Israel, and Vydonch U. Kissov, Ambassador from the Russian Federation, for a discussion on displaced persons in the former Syria and Iraq following the recent war between Israel and Iran (now the Russian Imperial Oblast of South Azerbaijan). 
3:00 P.M. Ongoing negotiations with Ambassador Laura Ingraham regarding a free-trade pact between the United States and the Trump/Gingrich Colony of New Queens, located on the moon.
4:20 P.M. President Johnson retreats to personal quarters.  NO PRESS.
5:00 P.M. Afternoon Cabinet meeting.  President Johnson will brief members of the Cabinet on recent insights he has gained regarding the meaning of human existence.  Meeting to last until the pattern on Vice President William Weld’s tie reminds President Johnson of a particularly amusing Budweiser commercial from 2006, causing him to giggle uncontrollably.
6:00 P.M. President Johnson receives Supreme Court Justice Ron Paul for dinner.  Justice Paul will be having a grilled chicken breast with a balsamic reduction, pear-and-arugula salad, and a glass of Chardonnay; President Johnson will be having fifteen bags of Doritos and two twenty-ounce bottles of Mountain Dew.
7:00 P.M. Screening of the classic 1939 film “The Wizard of Oz” synced with the classic Pink Floyd album “Dark Side of the Moon”.  Invitees include the Kansas Congressional delegation; Warren Z. Koch, a previously unknown Koch brother; and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden.
9:00 P.M. Vision Quest.  President Johnson will be joined by former Vice President Biden and (via video uplink from Taos, N.M.) Prancing Coyote, a prominent Navajo shaman.  President Johnson will be located in the Situation Room (physically) and in the outer arm of the Andromeda Galaxy (spiritually). 
11:00 P.M. President Johnson retires to personal quarters for the night.

*Yes, I still support Pat Toomey.  I’m trying to jinx her.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

The Adventures of Satan n'Friends, or Switzerland Loses its Daggone Mind

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)
A couple weeks ago, I saw an article from the Foundation for Economic Education that was hyperventilating about the opening ceremony of a train tunnel in Switzerland, describing it as “paganistic rituals of pre-Christian Europe”, a “ghastly production”, and “like little pharaohs”. You can video of the ceremony in two parts of roughly thirty minutes each, here and here. Personally, I thought the ceremony was less “Satanic human sacrifice” and more “The Rite of Spring and Cirque du Soleil had a baby, and that baby grew up and had a baby with the sort of salute to blue-collar work Mike Rowe would come up with if you gave him acid.”
The first ten minutes are dominated by a group of people in orange construction uniforms marching around. Perhaps this is an allusion to some plot by Donald Trump and John Boehner to take over the world and make us all as orange as they are. I just got through a move, so I haven’t had time to keep up with the latest new conspiracy theories. The highlight comes about seven minutes in, when a bunch of people in their underwear enter, led by what appears to be a white, winged, angry Ewok. (Apparently Ace of Spades is in on the conspiracy.) 
Ten minutes in, a railroad car appears carrying a dozen-odd Cousin Itt clones and a guy in a goat costume, which must be where all the accusations of the ceremony being Satanic. Satan, for his part, seems pretty indecisive. When a bunch of women enter carrying a stuffed lamb, antlers, and cow skulls, he decides he’d rather dance with his pals than accept the sacrifice, at one point pulling a “Blurred Lines” move with one of the Cousin Itts:
gotthard 1 
(To be fair, comparing Satan to Robin Thicke might not be entirely fair to Satan.)
Seventeen minutes in, Bernie Sanders shows up in a top hat and starts yodeling. As it turns out, Bernie Sanders is really bad at yodeling. Eventually, a band shows up and everyone, including the devil, waltzes:
gotthard 2
A bunch of cars, carrying (among other people) the Pope and Miss America, show up, as well as a train. Bernie Sanders gets bent out-of-shape and sits down on the tracks to eat a sandwich, blocking the train. This may or may not be an allegory of the 2016 Democratic primaries. For the last few minutes of the first half, a choir sings the word “Gloria” over and over again while riding into the glorious future. The ceremony has pulled off the impressive feat of combining three major religions (Paganism, Christianity, and high-speed rail) in five minutes.
The second half of the ceremony is even less coherent than the first half. They’ve moved outside and the Orange Army is back. A picture of a mountainside appears on a screen, and some of the orange people rappel up and down it while the mountainside is blasted away. Finally, something actually related to the process of digging a mountain tunnel! Eventually, though, the orange people strip to their underwear and dance (or fight, it’s hard to tell) with sticks, get into a talcum powder fight, and start rolling down a ramp. Some angels, the devil, and the Cousin Itt clones join them for what appears to be an orgy conducted by people who have no idea how sex is supposed to work. Eventually, the devil has a seizure while a bunch of extras from Monty Python and the Holy Grail  laugh at him:
gotthard 3
Almost seventeen minutes in, Satan lies down and takes a nap, a wise move under the circumstances. A babushka woman starts singing a song while another Satan shows up in the back. Just when you thought some order had been restored, everyone from a female Satan to a couple Uncle Sams and some refugees from the Washington Nationals’ Presidents race shows up:
gotthard 4
After a few minutes, the characters give up on Satan entirely and start worshipping a clock instead:
gotthard 5
Finally, the train appears and Satan n’Pals run over to greet it, mercifully ending the festivities. Overall, I don’t think it proves that Europe’s elites are in league with Satan- the goat dude in this ceremony doesn’t pose much of a threat, and you’d think a deal with the devil would’ve at least prevented Brexit. Still, as someone with Swiss ancestry, I have to agree with Muhammad Ali after his fight in the Congo: “Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat.”

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Top 10 Russian Revelations About Donald Trump

The Russians hacked into the Democratic National Committee's computers and got their opposition research on Donald Trump. Here are the top ten embarrassing facts about Donald Trump they found:

10. His enterprises in Atlantic City went bankrupt because he built a wall before figuring out how to get Wildwood to pay for it.

9. Before meeting his Slovenian wife, he actually asked for a Slovakian wife, and was several dates in before realizing the difference.

8. He doesn't understand why Sean Hannity is so groveling toward him, either.

7. In his March Madness brackets, he never had Trump University making it out of the first weekend.

6. During the primaries, he mistakenly spent an entire weekend preparing to debate Tom Cruise.

5. His position on gun rights was muddled at first because he thought the Second Amendment was a change to his prenup.

4. "The Apprentice" started as a bet that he could get higher ratings than Regis Philbin and got out of hand.

3. He originally wanted his "Make America Great Again" hats to have a propeller on top.

2. He's actually only worth $5 billion.

And the number one embarrassing revelation about Donald Trump...

He genuinely doesn't understand why people think his hair is funny.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Th'Legend O'th'Banshee Shneed an'th'Prince

(The following ancient Irish legend is based on this news article.  My lawyers advise me to make it clear that absolutely none of it actually happened.)

(Also, my attempt at an Irish accent probably sounds more like a pirate.)

Th'banshee Shneed.
Once th'r'wa'r a banshee, an'er name would'ha been pronounced Sinead in a nar'mal country, but this was Ireland, so'er name w'ar pronounced Shneed.   Shneed could sing, so th'Prince composed a ballad for her called "Nothin' be Comparin' to'Ye".  Th'ballad w'ar a success, so one day Shneed w'ar summoned to th'castle o'th'Prince, w'ar th'papers say th'ar w'ar a "physical altercation".  Now, when th'papers say th'ar w'ar a "physical altercation", tha'can only mean one thing: they made th'love.  Aye, far shar, far shar an'begorrah, 'twas a bangin' such as nae ha'e been seen since Saint Pat drove all th'snakes out of Ireland an' went int'ae his Patricia that ev'nin'- an' nae ha'e been seen since, except maybe when Teddy Kennedy first discovered Viagra.

An'th'beast wi'th'two backs stalked th'land, 'til one day th'Prince up and said, "Aye, far shar, far shar an'begorrah, I best be goin' on me way.  'Tis time I changed me'name to an unpronounceable symbol, and I've a hankerin' t'join th'Jeehovy's Witnesses."

"Off wit'ye!  Y'either had too much whiskey, or ye haven't had enough!" the banshee Shneed replied.  "There's plenty unpronounceable enough for ye in the Gaelic tongue without no symbol, and there'll be no witnessin' in this house, for Jeehovy or anyone else, far shar, far shar, an'begorrah!"

"Off wit'ye then, y'gender-ambiguous banshee!"

So th'Prince left, an'every day th'banshee Shneed waited f'r the news o'th'Prince, until one day a messenger came.  "Have ye any news o'th'Prince?" 

"Aye, milady (or mi'man, I can'really tell th'difference wit'ye)*, but'i 'tisn't good.  Th'Prince is dead."

"Oh, nae!"

"Aye, wish'i 'tweren't so, but 'e's as dead as yer career, an'there ain't nothin' deader, far shar, far shar an'begorrah." 

"Nae!" th'banshee Shneed cried out, an'called for her lady-in-waiting.  "Bridget, get me lawnmower.  I'm cuttin' me hair with it, seein' as how I'm in mournin'."

"Why should t'day be different from every other day?" Bridget thought, but knew better than t'ask.  She was just about to bring th'lawnmower when th'banshee Shneed called out "'Twas th'Arsenio!  Th'Arsenio, what ha'e killed th'Prince!"

"What?" asked Bridget, but th'banshee Shneed took th'lawnmower from her an'in'er grief an'er rage, she cut'er own head off with it, an'twas th'end o'th'banshee Shneed.  Legend has it she still haunts th'archives at Saturday Night Live, or that ye can still see'er at th'annual Shamin' o'the Slut.

*What would male banshees be called, anyway?  Banshos?  Banshers?  Dropkick Murphys?