Wednesday, September 20, 2017

With Deepest Apologies to Elton John

Generals packed my bags last night, pre-flight
Zero hour, nine A.M.
And I'm gonna be all over the news by then
I miss the earth so much, and caviar
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight
And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till Donald brings me round again to find
I'm not the god they think I am at home
Oh no no no, I'm a rocket man
Rocket man, only fat guy in his whole country

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till Donald brings me round again to find
I'm not the god they think I am at home
Oh no no no, I'm a rocket man
Rocket man, only fat guy in his whole country

Guam ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact, it's wet as hell
Rodman isn't there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don't understand
I just kill them if they screw up
A rocket man, a rocket man

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till Donald brings me round again to find
I'm not the god they think I am at home
Oh no no no, I'm a rocket man
Rocket man, only fat guy in his whole country

And I think it's gonna be a long long time...

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Duke Replaces Lee Statue With Paterno Statue

DURHAM, N.C.- Just days after taking down a controversial statue of Robert E. Lee from the entrance to its chapel, Duke University has found and installed a replacement: the statue of Joe Paterno that was removed from Penn State University after the Jerry Sandusky scandal.
The move surprised observers in the higher education community, who expected the replacement to be a statue of either Julian Abele, the African-American architect who designed much of Duke’s campus, or whichever NCAA official gives UNC the death penalty for its academic scandal. According to Duke University spokesman Dick Vitale, the institution became aware that the state of Pennsylvania was looking to sell the statue to raise money to help solve its annual budget crisis and made an offer early Saturday morning, outbidding a group of Japanese investors who are believed to have been planning to use the statue in a game show. When asked how much Duke had paid for the statue, Vitale spent ten minutes describing an irrelevant anecdote involving Syracuse University men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim before declaring that Indiana University needs to rename its basketball arena after former head coach Bobby Knight. Other sources confirmed that the deal included Duke agreeing, as a favor to Penn State, to invoke the “no backsies” clause in case the University of Maryland sought to leave the Big Ten and rejoin the ACC. 
Reaction to the move on Duke’s campus and in the wider Durham community was mixed. When asked how a depiction of Paterno fit onto Duke’s campus, Dean of Students Barry Bigbird explained, “Although Joe Paterno didn’t have any direct connections to Duke, his journey from New York City to a university campus in the middle of the woods mirrors that of most of our students. Also, although he was a devout Catholic, Paterno also had the foresight to get the heck over himself, give up the ‘independent’ shtick, and join a conference already, unlike a certain football program in South Bend, Indiana, that couldn’t even beat our football team last year.” Bigbird went on to say that since he doesn’t expect Duke to beat Notre Dame in football very often, he intends to milk this one for all it’s worth. Most of Duke’s faculty was unavailable for comment due to being too busy smacking themselves in the forehead for obsessing over a false rape allegation against the university’s lacrosse team while ignoring a real live Confederate statue, but one history professor pointed out that this wasn’t the worst thing to happen to Robert E. Lee involving the state of Pennsylvania. Local factions of the Antifa movement cancelled a planned protest of the Lee statue; sources within the movement confirmed that the groups will protest the nearby B. Everett Jordan Lake as soon as they figure out who B. Everett Jordan was and how they can accuse him of racism.
In a move to placate conservative Southern alumni, Duke’s anthropology department announced it is conducting research to find remote tribes in the South Pacific that would be willing to worship the Lee statue as a god. 
(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

In Alternative Universe, Wagner Plans Challenge to Wolf

YORK*, Pa.*, Alternative Earth #244- In an alternative dimension, Scott Wagner confirmed that he is seeking to challenge incumbent Tom Wolf for the chairmanship of the York County Chamber of Commerce.  

Wagner, who owns a waste-disposal firm, has emerged as a strong critic of Wolf's policies in running the chamber, such as a controversial proposed hike in member dues and what he described as excessive regulations regarding borrowing the chamber's laminating machine for personal use.  He also pointed out ways he believes nearby chambers have outpaced York's, such as the Greater Lancaster Chamber having more participants in its charity golf tournament and the Harrisburg Regional Chamber getting more submissions to its student essay contest.  

Interestingly, both Wagner and Wolf have some political experience: Wagner toyed with running for county commissioner in 2011, while Wolf did some consulting for former Gov. Bob Casey Jr. and is rumored to have turned down a cabinet appointment.

Those Wagner is seeking to represent had a mixed reaction to his plan.  "Tom [Wolf] seems like an okay guy, but I'm just not sure how effective he is," said Sarah Robles, an accountant from Red Lion, pointing out that Wolf has yet to be on time in bringing donuts to the steering committee meetings.  Travis Cooper, who owns an auto-body shop in Dover, said he didn't like that Wolf keeps butting heads with the executive committee, but doubted the opinionated Wagner could do better.

The small business owners then began speculating on whether President Rubio's mediocre approval ratings would affect Republican efforts to unseat Gov. Allyson Schwarz.

Monday, July 3, 2017

The Island Beach Gubernatorial Getaway Guide

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)
Thank you for choosing Island Beach- the most exclusive resort the Jersey Shore has to offer! After a long week of working, budgeting, yelling at the media, pumping your own gas, and contemplating the artistic genius of Bruce Springsteen, we’re sure you’re ready for the perfect getaway. Our highest priority is the comfort and relaxation of our guests (especially since you need to cross a bridge to get here)! To that end, we’ve cleared away all those pesky Cub Scouts and whatever species Snooki is to deliver you the most unique experience the Garden State has to offer. Please keep aware of the following ground rules, events, and offers to make the most of your stay:
  • On weekday mornings, each booked room will receive a complimentary copy of USA Today. Copies of The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and local newspapers are available on request at the front desk. Guests who would like more of an escape from the news can forgo the daily paper and simply receive an alert from the resort staff in case of an abrupt resignation by Jeff Sessions that would require President Trump to find a staunch loyalist to serve as Attorney General.
  • There is a free continental breakfast in the lobby each morning from 6:30 to 9 AM. Please be advised that, due to space constraints, “continental” is a figure of speech and does not refer to the size of the breakfast spread.
  • Inclement Weather Policy: For the safety of our guests, in the event of a severe thunderstorm or tornado warning, all outdoor activities will be postponed or cancelled. In the event of a hurricane warning, guests will be invited to relive their glory days.
  • You’re humming the song “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen now, aren’t you?
  • Guests are invited to watch and/or participate in our taffy pulling contest each Wednesday evening at 7. Please refrain from eating the taffy until it has been pulled.
  • In case of rain, we are pleased to offer several indoor activities for our guests:
    • Contract Bridge lessons: learn to play the classic card game!
    • Children’s Book Club: read and discuss the classic young adult novel Bridge to Terabithia
    • Historic Movie Screening: in keeping with our World War II theme, guests have the option of A Bridge Too Far or Bridge over the River Kwai
  • Dinner will be served each evening from 5 to 8 PM. Our executive chef has prepared a forward looking menu, and by “forward looking”, we mean “looking forward to when your state is run by public-sector union puppets because you confirmed voters’ worst stereotypes about Republicans in an election year”. We have a menu featuring Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, a Greek salad with feta cheese and fresh olives, and a sampler of Puerto Rican delicacies. Guests can select- oh, who am I kidding? You’ll eat all three of them. 
  • If you enjoy your stay at the Island Beach Resort, ask about our other properties throughout North America. We regret to say, though, that we are no longer able to offer stays in Iowa and New Hampshire.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Celebrity Family Feud: Stanley Cup Edition

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

(The idea from this came from a Saturday Night Live skit.)
STEVE HARVEY: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Stanley Cup Edition! Our producers spent three hours this morning explaining to me what hockey is, so we’re committed to putting on a great show for you today. We have four celebrities from Pittsburgh taking on four celebrities from Nashville. On the Pittsburgh side, we have columnist Salena Zito-
SALENA ZITO (holding a pen and paper): So, do you believe you’re losing a grip on your place here?
HARVEY: Excuse me? I’m the host of this show. I work here. They even kept me after that flub with Miss Colombia.
ZITO (putting paper away): Sorry, I’m not used to talking to people who actually have jobs.
HARVEY: We have Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger-
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: It’s funny because she talks to people in the Rust Belt a lot.
HARVEY: -Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby-
(SIDNEY CROSBY grins, showing six missing teeth)
HARVEY: -and famed artist Andy Warhol. Andy, I thought you were dead.
ANDY WARHOL: I died in 1987. I am a zombie.
HARVEY: Really? You don’t look any different from how you did when you were alive. On the Nashville side, we have former vice president Al Gore-
AL GORE: I’m so glad to be representing a community that would never turn its back on its- 0h, right.
HARVEY: Sixteen years, and you’re still not over that. We have the legendary Dolly Parton-
(DOLLY PARTON winks suggestively at Harvey.)
HARVEY: I can’t believe I still think that’s hot. We have NFL quarterback Peyton Manning-
MANNING: I’m so proud to be here on behalf of my home state of Louisessee-Indyrado.
HARVEY: -and country singer Toby Keith.
TOBY KEITH: How do you like me now?
HARVEY: I like you just fi-
KEITH: You ain’t much fun.
HARVEY: Do you only speak in song or album titles?
KEITH: That don’t make me a bad guy.
HARVEY: All right then. Salena! Al! Let’s play the Feud! Top five answers on the board- name an excuse you would give your dentist if he found out you hadn’t flossed in five months. (Gore buzzes in.) Al Gore?
GORE: Really? Because I sighed in a debate? You were mad at Bill Clinton over Lewinsky? You don’t think I’m-
HARVEY: Show me Monica Lewinsky! (Buzzer) I am so glad I don’t have to talk about her in the context of anything mouth related. Salena?
ZITO: I find it interesting that frustration with the political class has spread to members of the political class itself.
HARVEY: Show me the political class! Number one answer, forty points! Man, those guys get blamed for everything! The Penguins fans have the board. Ben Roethlisberger, name an excuse you would give your dentist- Ben, what are you doing?
ROETHLISBERGER (attempting to floss with handheld microphone): You said to floss. 
HARVEY: I didn’t- I-
ZITO: I think this goes to show just how widespread the opioid epidemic has become, when-
ROETHLISBERGER: I’m not on opiates.
ZITO: You’re not?
ROETHLISBERGER: I had a couple bottles of Henry’s Hard Grape Soda, but that’s fruity so it doesn’t count. (Buzzer)
HARVEY: Sidney Crosby, name an excuse you would give your dentist for not flossing- what are you doing? (CROSBY has flopped and is lying on the floor. Buzzer.) Andy Warhol, name an excuse you would give your dentist if he- what?!? (WARHOL has painted a series of dental floss containers in psychedelic colors. Buzzer.) Well, that was interesting. 
HARVEY: Next question. Dolly! Ben! Did you notice how I didn’t make a pun on the musical “Hello, Dolly!” there, even though it would be really obvious? Let’s play the Feud! Top five answers on the board. Name a European capital city where it would be really inconvenient to sprain your- Ben?
(ROETHLISBERGER is staring at PARTON. Three guesses where.)
HARVEY: Ben, I’m over here.
MANNING: How does that guy have more Super Bowl rings than me?
HARVEY: The people in my ear are telling me I need to cut to a commercial break. I believe the term “euthanize” was used. When we get back, I’m just going to ditch the rest of this show and have Toby sing something.