Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Williams Energy, Spirits of Undead Native Americans Reach Agreement on Pipeline Route

LANCASTER, Pa.- In a move hailed as a breakthrough for the energy industry in Pennsylvania, Williams Energy has reached an agreement with the spirits of undead Native Americans whose burial grounds are in the path of the proposed Atlantic Sunrise natural gas pipeline.

“Williams Energy has always believed that gas development must be balanced with the needs and concerns of local communities,” said Williams Energy spokesman Curly McLain, standing beside the ethereal form of thirteenth-century Susquehannock chief Makes-Much-Wampum.  “We are pleased that we have been able to address the concerns of the ghosts of Martic Township’s Native American community in a constructive manner.”

Sources close to the negotiation say the main breakthrough came when Makes-Much-Wampum, communicating via Ouija board, agreed to provide Williams Energy with a list of Indian burial sites whose fallen warriors have already crossed the Bridge of the She-Bear to the Happy Hunting Grounds, and therefore would be unaffected by pipeline construction disturbing their final resting place.  Williams Energy then agreed to clear the final route of the pipeline with the Council of Elder Braves via seance and provide monthly offerings of corn to the Susquehanna, Pequea, and Conestoga River Maidens on a rotating basis.  In exchange, the souls of the local Indians agreed not to drive the pipeline engineers to near-suicidal madness, demand the blood of the firstborn of any Williams Energy executives, or give the Williams back-office staff any really nasty paper cuts.

While the energy industry was quick to tout the agreement as a model of business-community relations, not all pipeline opponents were impressed.  “It’s a shame to see these well-respected community leaders sell out so quickly,” said Melissa Chatterbox, chairwoman of Martic S.P.I.R.I.T. (Stop Putting Industrial Routes In our Township).  “Don’t they have any respect for nature?”

Kylie Jenner's Chemtrail FAQ

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)
Via BuzzFeed, the illustrious Miss Jenner recently posted this to Twitter:
jennerAnswer key:
1. Why did I see 75 planes spraying white stuff in the sky on my 15 minute drive into work? Because the hydrocarbons in jet fuel are made of hydrogen and carbon (hence the term “hydrocarbons”) and burning is the rapid combination of flammable materials with oxygen in the air (which is why fires go out when cut off from oxygen). Combining hydrogen with oxygen produces H2O, also known as water. When excess water vapor is unloaded in the atmosphere, it tends to condense, a phenomenon known as “clouds”.
2. Who pays for this and why is it happening? You pay for it, whenever you buy an airline ticket, and as for why it’s happening, see question 1.
3. Is something being exterminated here? No.
4. Is that something me? No.
5. Does this have anything to do with why Honey Bee’s [sic] are Dying [sic] really fast? Considering the current outbreak of Colony Collapse Disorder started in 2006, and air travel had been common for decades before then, almost certainly not.
6. Why are some days normal with no planes spraying and others look like this? Because sometimes the humidity in the upper atmosphere is so low that the water vapor from airplanes immediately evaporates, and sometimes it’s high enough that the water vapor stays condensed for a while. For the same reason, some mornings it’s foggy outside your house and some mornings it’s clear.
7. Whos [sic] is responcible [sic]? You are, if you’ve ever traveled by air.
8. What effect will this have on our health and our childrens [sic] future? None whatsoever. Unlike anti-vaccination theories, you can believe, and even act on, this nonsense without it harming your children. Your lawn and your dignity might suffer, though.
9. WHO THE F*** THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? The Wright Brothers.
10. Am I the only one who sees this? No, there are plenty of people who latch onto causes like this because they need to feel more important and unique.