Il Triunfo de Bezos: An Opera in Three Acts

ACT I: Il Donatio de Bezos

Goffredo Bezos, a book merchant who has gotten rich through trade, is in Nuovo Iorco to announce a great gift to benefit its people.  Don Chucco, doge of Nuovo Iorco, sings of Bezos’s generosity toward the city, and notes that he has, at least temporarily, calmed the tension between the Cuomi, Deblasii, and Ghillibrandi over which faction will lead the planned invasion of Nuovo Ampscheria to oust Il Donaldo from the imperial throne. 

A messenger arrives with news that Alessandria, a onetime barmaid of Spanish origin, has overthrown Giuseppe Crolio in the outlying region of Broncsia.  Don Chucco begins rebuking him for his impertinence, until Alessandria shows up and denounces the festivities surrounding Bezos, alleging that the noble families of Nuovo Iorco bribed Bezos to make his donation and that he will bring ruin to the city (“Gentrificazione!  Ipstertopia!  Rento thru il rufo!  Mondo trafico!  Wipipo!”).  Enraged, Lady Nancia, wife of Don Chucco, orders Alessandria exiled to the island of Verde-Nuovo-Deale (“Che proposale vamo nowhere prestissimo!”).  Don Chucco and Lady Nancia apologize profusely to Bezos, who forgives them, but says he must depart for the land of Nova.

ACT II: I Virgini

            Bezos arrives at La Cittia del Cristal in the land of Nova to make another donation.  He is met by Ralfo, a noble Moor who has become king of the Virgini.  Ralfo sings of the previous billionari who have ravaged his land: Il Donaldo, who recently closed the entire land of Nova for three weeks as part of a campaign against the Messicani, and Il Snidero, the worst of all, who destroyed the Redschini.  After Ralfo’s lament, a messenger arrives alleging that Ralfo is not in fact Moorish, but a member of the tribe of Mediscuoli, who, as part of a barbaric ritual from the distant past, often falsely pose as Moors. 

A chorus of Virgini lament the fall of Ralfo (“E buon, tu es un pediatrizione e non dermatologio!”), but express hope that Don Fairfacco, next in line for the throne, will unite the people.  Don Fairfacco is about to take the throne when the Lady Vanessa alleges he has ravished her (“Mitu!  Mitu!  Mitu!”).  Flummoxed, the Virgini offer the throne to Don Marco, only to find out that he has also posed as a Moor.  Ralfo, Fairfacco, and Marco all fall on their swords.  The Virgini attempt to summon their ancient ruler, Giefferzone de Monticello, but even he declines to take the throne (“E super razialle problematico”). 

With no other options, the Virgini offer their kingdom to Bezos, who is about to accept when a messenger arrives saying that the Dicopico, a forgotten but extremely powerful relic, is in the hands of the Enquiereri, a barbarian tribe threatening to use it to overthrow Bezos.

ACT III: La Battalle del Dicopico

The nobles of the empire are gathered at a great feast, where the Patrioti are about to devour the flesh of rams.  Bezos arrives accompanied by the troubadour Tomancso and begins singing an aria about the importance of his work in the land of Nova and the neighboring land of Distritto (“Democracia morte in noche”), before denouncing the scoundrel Peccherio, leader of the Enquiereri, for seeking to destroy him with the stolen Dicopico.  The assembled nobles begin laughing as one at Peccherio’s name, breaking the power of the Dicopico. 

             At the moment of Bezos’s triumph, a messenger from Nuovo Iorco arrives with the news that Alessandria’s power has grown to the point where most of the Presidentabile have made trips to the island of Verde-Nuovo-Deale, and she is once again threatening his interests in the city.  Bezos, now king of the Virgini, determines that he will move his donation from Nuovo Iorco to his new realm.

Williams Energy, Spirits of Undead Native Americans Reach Agreement on Pipeline Route

LANCASTER, Pa.- In a move hailed as a breakthrough for the energy industry in Pennsylvania, Williams Energy has reached an agreement with the spirits of undead Native Americans whose burial grounds are in the path of the proposed Atlantic Sunrise natural gas pipeline.

“Williams Energy has always believed that gas development must be balanced with the needs and concerns of local communities,” said Williams Energy spokesman Curly McLain, standing beside the ethereal form of thirteenth-century Susquehannock chief Makes-Much-Wampum.  “We are pleased that we have been able to address the concerns of the ghosts of Martic Township’s Native American community in a constructive manner.”

Sources close to the negotiation say the main breakthrough came when Makes-Much-Wampum, communicating via Ouija board, agreed to provide Williams Energy with a list of Indian burial sites whose fallen warriors have already crossed the Bridge of the She-Bear to the Happy Hunting Grounds, and therefore would be unaffected by pipeline construction disturbing their final resting place.  Williams Energy then agreed to clear the final route of the pipeline with the Council of Elder Braves via seance and provide monthly offerings of corn to the Susquehanna, Pequea, and Conestoga River Maidens on a rotating basis.  In exchange, the souls of the local Indians agreed not to drive the pipeline engineers to near-suicidal madness, demand the blood of the firstborn of any Williams Energy executives, or give the Williams back-office staff any really nasty paper cuts.

While the energy industry was quick to tout the agreement as a model of business-community relations, not all pipeline opponents were impressed.  “It’s a shame to see these well-respected community leaders sell out so quickly,” said Melissa Chatterbox, chairwoman of Martic S.P.I.R.I.T. (Stop Putting Industrial Routes In our Township).  “Don’t they have any respect for nature?”