Sunday, January 31, 2016

A FAQ-lemore for Macklemore

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

Noted rapper and pretentious liberal Macklemore recently released a track called “White Privilege”.  You’d think such an exquisitely politically correct subject would please the social justice crowd, but since Macklemore is a white guy, and therefore cannot do anything right, his track is problematic.  Fortunately, the kind souls at Everyday Feminism have a list of questions for “allies” such as Macklemore to ask themselves before getting their social justice on.  Below, with the help of the best illustrations MS Paint can manage, I answer them.

Is This the Best Place for Me as an Ally?

If you are reading this and are Macklemore, you are most likely in Seattle.  No, Seattle is not the best place for you as an ally.

The best place for you, Macklemore, is aboard a rocket being launched straight into the sun.

Why are People Listening to Me?

Because you haven’t fired up the engine yet, silly.  How are you going to be launched into the sun if you don’t ignite the engine?

Am I Giving Credit Where it’s Due?

Yes, you should give a short speech thanking all the engineers and technicians who made your journey to the sun possible.

Am I Focusing on My Own Feelings Over the Struggles of People of Color?

It’s only natural.  After all, once the rocket takes off, your feelings will, in the most literal sense, be over the struggles of people of color.  Several miles over the struggles of people of color, in fact, and continually getting higher over the struggles of people of color (as well as everything else occurring on the surface of the Earth).

Is My Allyship About This One-Time Opportunity or Is It An Ongoing Process?

Why not both?  You will have a one-time opportunity as the intense heat and radiation of the sun overwhelms your rocket, and then the atoms that make up you, Macklemore, will become part of the sun’s ongoing process of combining hydrogen into helium in order to heat the solar system.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?  It is the east, and Macklemore is the sun!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Our Horrifying Canadian Future

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

As you all know, the great liberator of our time is the illustrious Donald Trump, who, in addition to liberating two women in Divorce Court, has taken it upon himself to prevent the rise of Canadian world domination in the form of Ted Cruz.
Trump fans are sharing this meme on Facebook, apparently seriously.  The skull-and-crossbones is a nice touch.
If Mr. Trump fails in his quest, what horrors await us? Perhaps classic dystopian literature can give us a glimpse…
Zed for Zamboni
“Kraft Dinner is a symbol, as is the act of eating it. Kraft Dinner is given power by people. Alone, Kraft Dinner is meaningless, but with enough ketchup, eating Kraft Dinner can change the world.”
Polite New World
The world’s stable now. People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can’t get. They’re well off; they’re safe; they’re never hot; they’re not afraid of Quebec trying to break away again; they’re blissfully ignorant of inches and gallons; they’re plagued with no private health insurance companies; they’ve got no guns, or NFL teams, or large militaries to feel strongly about; they’re so conditioned that they practically can’t help behaving as they ought to behave. And if anything should go wrong, there’s Molson’s.

One Day in the Life of Ivan Mackenzievitch
But he was authorized to let off only two men in the morning. And there were already two names under the greenish glass on top of the desk- well, actually only one name, but it had to be in both English and French…
Wayne Gretzky Shrugged
“If you saw Atlas, the hoser who holds the Great White North on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his shoulder pads, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the power play aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world body-checked him-what would you tell him to do?”
“I . . . don’t know. What . . . could he do? What would you tell him?”
“To shrug.”
The Hockey Games: Mockingmoose
“Now the time has come for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honor of representing Province 12 in the 74th annual Hockey Game…Primmaple Evermetric. Where are you dear? Well, come on up…Well, come on up!”
“Prim! Prim!…No! I volunteer! I volunteer! I volunteer as enforcer!”
“I believe we have a volunteer.”
Tim Rohrschachton’s Journal. Canadian Thanksgiving, 2019: Beaver carcass in alley this morning, snowmobile tread on burst stomach. This province is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of maple syrup and when the drains finally scab over, all the hosers will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and hockey will foam up about their waists and all the whores, politicians, and Justin Bieber will look up and shout “Save us!”…
…and I’ll whisper, “Sorry.”