(cross-posted at Ricochet)
PRESIDENTIAL DAILY SCHEDULE
JULY 17, 2018
(All times Eastern Daylight)
5:40 A.M. (Approximate) President Gary Johnson has dream in which he and a talking alligator who is a member of the Chinese Politburo are in the swamps of Louisiana (or possibly Mississippi) looking for Louis Armstrong’s “stash”. President Johnson then enters a building whose interior resembles that of a Presbyterian church in Scottsdale, Arizona, where he attended the wedding of a high school classmate in 1978, except bigger, and sees a flower which causes him to have an indescribable feeling of peace.
6:30 A.M. President Johnson awakens.
8:00 A.M. President Johnson receives daily briefing from National Security Advisor Edward Snowden. NO PRESS. Per protocol, the contents of the briefing will be published on the Wikileaks website no later than 11:oo A.M.
8:30 A.M. President Johnson receives briefing on where all the places mentioned in the daily briefing actually are.
8:45 A.M. Morning Cabinet meeting, moderated by Chief of Staff Willie Nelson.
9:30 A.M. Press availability. President Johnson will discuss progress in the search for the National Register (as you know, the book containing all the regulations imposed by the federal government has not been seen since President Johnson used it as a stepstool to place a bust of Austrian economist Ludwig von Mises on a high shelf in the Oval Office in February 2017). He will also give his comments on the Dow Jones Industrial Average recently surpassing the 40,000 mark.
9:45 A.M. President Johnson hails Uber car.
10:05 A.M. (Traffic Dependent) President Johnson arrives at the Isosceles Triangle (formerly the Pentagon) in Arlington, Va.
10:15 A.M. Meeting with Joint Chiefs of Staff. Topics to be discussed include progress by Special Forces against rogue elements of the Clinton Foundation holed up in the Catskill Mountains of New York; recent changes to DoD drug policy and consequences for troops who take a drug test and do not have marijuana in their system; and whether to designate Nepal as a Major Non-NATO Ally in advance of the President’s upcoming climb of Mount Everest. If time permits, President Johnson will have an informal meet-and-greet with Washington Proud Native Americans owner Daniel Snyder on progress on building the franchise’s new stadium on land vacated by DoD after recent budget cuts.
12:00 P.M. President Johnson hails Uber car.
12:30 P.M. Tripartisan Policy Lunch with U.S. Sens. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) and Katie McGinty (D-Pa.)*, focused on wetland conservation. The discussion will include providing incentives for property owners to preserve wetlands on private land, new uses of data sampling in the management of threatened and endangered species, and whether we’re all just in one big wetland since our bodies are two-thirds water.
1:30 P.M. President Johnson receives Moshe Pitt, Ambassador from the State of Israel, and Vydonch U. Kissov, Ambassador from the Russian Federation, for a discussion on displaced persons in the former Syria and Iraq following the recent war between Israel and Iran (now the Russian Imperial Oblast of South Azerbaijan).
3:00 P.M. Ongoing negotiations with Ambassador Laura Ingraham regarding a free-trade pact between the United States and the Trump/Gingrich Colony of New Queens, located on the moon.
4:20 P.M. President Johnson retreats to personal quarters. NO PRESS.
5:00 P.M. Afternoon Cabinet meeting. President Johnson will brief members of the Cabinet on recent insights he has gained regarding the meaning of human existence. Meeting to last until the pattern on Vice President William Weld’s tie reminds President Johnson of a particularly amusing Budweiser commercial from 2006, causing him to giggle uncontrollably.
6:00 P.M. President Johnson receives Supreme Court Justice Ron Paul for dinner. Justice Paul will be having a grilled chicken breast with a balsamic reduction, pear-and-arugula salad, and a glass of Chardonnay; President Johnson will be having fifteen bags of Doritos and two twenty-ounce bottles of Mountain Dew.
7:00 P.M. Screening of the classic 1939 film “The Wizard of Oz” synced with the classic Pink Floyd album “Dark Side of the Moon”. Invitees include the Kansas Congressional delegation; Warren Z. Koch, a previously unknown Koch brother; and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden.
9:00 P.M. Vision Quest. President Johnson will be joined by former Vice President Biden and (via video uplink from Taos, N.M.) Prancing Coyote, a prominent Navajo shaman. President Johnson will be located in the Situation Room (physically) and in the outer arm of the Andromeda Galaxy (spiritually).
11:00 P.M. President Johnson retires to personal quarters for the night.
*Yes, I still support Pat Toomey. I’m trying to jinx her.