Saturday, December 29, 2018

Looking Back on 2019

DISCLAIMER: I am not aware of any scientific evidence that multicultural holiday coincidences can cause heads to explode, and I completely condemn any violence or threats of violence against the President.   Also, all speculation about the gender or sexuality of actual or potential Presidential candidates is purely satirical.

I do, however, stand by the assertion that Notre Dame football fans are annoying.


The White House, May 5, 2019 (colorized)
(Cross-posted on Ricochet)

            The year 2019 will be remembered for the tragic demise of President Donald Trump, whose head exploded in May when the first day of Ramadan fell on Cinco de Mayo.  At the time, Washington was anticipating the rollout of the Mueller investigation findings, which were scheduled to be announced on the Jimmy Kimmel show during sweeps week, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi was attempting to keep talk of impeachment under control by grimacing whenever the subject was brought up in her presence. 
            President Mike Pence took office benefitting from public sympathy due to the tragic circumstances of his rise, but inherited an economy that seemed about to head into a recession.  It didn’t help matters when, during what the papers took to calling “Ramagone” or “Cinco de Bye-O”, President Trump’s hair landed in the Potomac, flooding the new Amazon site in Crystal City, Virginia, and forcing Amazon to revise its earnings estimate downward.  By the end of June, the Dow Jones was down three percent for the year.  This inspired Pence, the first Hoosier President since 1893, to give a rousing halftime speech to the markets in the Wall Street locker room and order his economic team to switch from a 2-3 zone to a man-to-man defense, sparking a rally that has brought the Dow close to the 28,000 mark.  At year’s end, Pence and Vice President Nikki Haley (Pence’s initial choice was Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, but he backed down after realizing nobody could pronounce “Mnuchin”) have a modest but steady lead in the polls to win a term in their own right next year.
            The race for the Democratic nomination seemed hopelessly muddled after the initial frontrunner, former Vice President Joe Biden, had to drop out after a #MeToo scandal with then-Sen. Amy Klobuchar (surprisingly, Klobuchar was the instigator).  During the early part of the year, Robert Mueller, Colin Kaepernick, Kathy Griffin, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, “Whatsername”,  and Gritty (the Philadelphia Flyers mascot) all led in polls at some point.  In September, New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker came out of the closet and jumped to the lead in every poll.  He seemed set to sweep the primaries until Beto (as she was then known) O’Rourke announced the first week of November that she was transitioning to live as a woman and wished to be called “Beta”.  Then, resolving a feud that had dogged the Democrats since the beginning of the year, Beta O’Rourke and Bernie Sanders announced they were engaged and seeking to have a co-presidency.  The press inevitably called the new power couple “Berta”.  The race is now largely between Booker and Berta, although some pollsters believe Gritty is in a good position in the Super Tuesday states.
            Internationally, the year will be remembered for the partial resolution of crises rocking the Middle East and Europe.  By the spring, the antics of then-Saudi Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman were even alienating supporters such as President Trump, who (shortly before passing to the Great Trump Tower in the Sky) tweeted that the United States was ready to pivot to Jordan as its closest Arab ally, adding that he was impressed with Jordan’s adroit diplomacy in handling Dennis Rodman.  MBS was pushed out in August using allegations of an inappropriate relationship with a scorpion as a pretext and replaced with his cousin, Salman bin Muhammad.  SBM then announced a plan to transition Saudi Arabia to democracy by incorporating every Saudi citizen into the royal family by 2035.  The American pullout from the former nation of Syria did not destabilize the region as much as feared, although concerns that Turkey was gaining too much influence in the country only increased when it was renamed “Stuffing” the week before Thanksgiving.  An Israeli offensive against Lebanese Hezbollah stalled after the Israelis invaded Lebanon, New Hampshire, by mistake and began leading in New Hampshire primary polls.
            In Europe, negotiations over Brexit stalled after the governments of both Angela Merkel and Theresa May lost votes of confidence and collapsed.  Germany is now under an interim caretaker government consisting entirely of middle-aged blond men in large glasses and mustaches named “Gunther”, which agreed to give Queen Elizabeth the right to veto any EU regulations in Britain by declaring them to be “bollocks on stilts” until a permanent Brexit agreement can be reached.  Britain also agreed to the free movement of people and goods across its border with the Republic of Ireland in exchange for the Irish admitting in writing that Notre Dame football fans are annoying.  The replacement of May with Prime Minister Boris Johnson fueled speculation that the  worldwide populist movement was really about elevating leaders with unkempt blond hair, which only grew after Angela Merkel purchased a Van de Graaff generator, sparking talk she is plotting a comeback.
            China was unusually quiet, but by the end of the year, elements within the Chinese government were suggesting that it could claim any land within 500 feet of a Chinese restaurant as sovereign territory.
            2019 was an eventful year for sports and entertainment, beginning with Super Bowl LIII, which the Los Angeles Rams won over the Kansas City Chiefs after Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, while attempting to pass in midair, sprouted wings and flew away.  In movies, Christian Bale won the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Dick Cheney in Vice, leading to Cheney briefly leading in Democratic primary polls, which in turn led to speculation that polls are being answered sarcastically.  Avengers: Endgame came out, revealing (SPOILER ALERT!) that the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe was the fever dream of a deaf-mute Belgian art student who, while attempting to hitchhike to Los Angeles, had eaten gas-station sushi in Kentucky.  The Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship again, after which Steph Curry announced he was retiring from basketball to run for President.  He led in the polls until Michigan Sen. Gary Peters, in a debate, asked him why he doesn’t call himself “Steve” like a normal Stephen.
          The media event of the year may be the surprising emergence of former House Speaker Paul Ryan as one of the nation’s most beloved TV personalities.  It began after Sean Hannity entered a monastery after President Trump's memorial service, leading Fox News to reshuffle its lineup, which ended with Ryan hosing “Fox and Friends”.  The other highlight is the revival of The Weekly Standard, which went out of business in late 2018 and seemed permanently doomed after its founder, Bill Kristol, turned out to be three marmosets stacked on top of each other wearing a suit.  However, at year’s end, former first lady Melania Trump had bought the rights to relaunch the magazine, which she is expected to use as a springboard to run for governor of New York in 2022.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

The Case for a Cage Match in 2019

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

This past weekend, I had an idea that is harebrained even by my standards, and now I'm going to subject you to it.  Here's why, and how, a Nicolas Cage for President boomlet should happen in 2019.  

Like this, but in Iowa.

Before you think I've gone completely off the deep end, I don't mean that Cage should actually be elected President, or even run.  I mean that he should publicly toy with the idea to the extent that Nicolas Cage presidential chatter dominates the news cycle for a few days, some pollster starts asking people if they would vote for him, and one of the actual candidates rants at him online or at a rally (obviously, this would most likely be a series of enraged Trump tweets, but I wouldn't count out Joe Biden).

It would be highly entertaining.  It would be the most on-brand thing possible for Nicolas Cage, for Presidential politics, and for the year 2019*.

He wouldn't have to do much to gin up media speculation- just schedule a couple trips to Iowa and New Hampshire, comment publicly about a couple political issues, do some charity work, and most importantly, have a bunch of people ask him to run on Twitter and reply coyly to them.  I'm sure Gary Sinise could use a hand with his next project for veterans, and you could probably hire a consultant and a few dozen Twitter bots for less than the cost of a castle in England, "the most haunted house in America" in New Orleans, or a dinosaur skull, all of which Cage has actually bought (spending habits which would fit in quite well in the federal government).

He'd probably run as a Democrat, since they're the ones with an open primary and I assume that any actor leans left until proven otherwise.  The most entertaining scenario would be for Cage to consider running as a Democrat but threaten to go third-party if he doesn't get his way, like Donald Trump with the GOP in 2015, but the idea of a primary challenge to Trump is growing on me.  If John Kasich runs, the combination of Cage's facial expressions and Kasich's fruit ninja abilities could prove formidable.

It's time, America.  It's time to turn to a man who is not at all qualified to be President, but eminently qualified to be the subject of presidential speculation.  It's time to go from draining the swamp to stealing the Declaration of Independence.  It's time to Make America Cagey Again.

*Admittedly, the year 2019 hasn't happened yet, but I'm assuming that it will be even more 2018-like than 2018, which seems pretty safe.