Philadelphia Library Cancels Mummer Story Hour

PHILADELPHIA- The public library system of Philadelphia has cancelled a program that featured Mummers, members of flamboyantly costumed groups who perform annually in the city New Year’s Day parade, reading books to young children.   The cancellation comes after the first such event, held in Wissaquehoninghocken (pronounced “pa-SHUNK”) Library, a public library in Northwest Philadelphia, where Kevin Prosciutto, a 37-year-old longshoreman and member of the Golden Fancy Boys of Manatiniquehanna (pronounced “pa-SHUNK”), was scheduled to read the book “Myrtle the Covetous Platypus” at an event advertised for children between five and eight years of age.

According to an unnamed source within the library, Mr. Prosciutto entered claiming to be depicting Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, but resembled “the illegitimate love child of Elton John and Lady Gaga, if that love child had consumed LSD which was somehow fattening”.  Four pages into the book, other members of the Golden Fancy Boys of Manatiniquehanna entered carrying small stringed instruments, which they played while singing a song that involved various Presidential candidates and elements of the plot of the movie “Guardians of the Galaxy 2”.  When pressed for details, the unnamed source began weeping quietly and only said, “I had no idea the name ‘Elizabeth Warren’ could rhyme with so many parts of the female anatomy.”

Although a spokesman for the public library promised mental health services would be made available for the children and (perhaps more importantly) their parents, most of the children seemed unfazed by the incident, with many assuming Mr. Prosciutto was portraying Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyers mascot.  No children or library staff members were injured, although Mr. Prosciutto and Andrew Halupszczkowski, another member of his group, were briefly treated for an incident involving Elmer’s Glue and their own chest hair.

Libraries affected by the program closure include Wyoconshouwchlan, Shackamackoning, and Gwynyddhloc, all of which are pronounced “pa-SHUNK”.

A FAQ-lemore for Macklemore

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

Noted rapper and pretentious liberal Macklemore recently released a track called “White Privilege”.  You’d think such an exquisitely politically correct subject would please the social justice crowd, but since Macklemore is a white guy, and therefore cannot do anything right, his track is problematic.  Fortunately, the kind souls at Everyday Feminism have a list of questions for “allies” such as Macklemore to ask themselves before getting their social justice on.  Below, with the help of the best illustrations MS Paint can manage, I answer them.

Is This the Best Place for Me as an Ally?

If you are reading this and are Macklemore, you are most likely in Seattle.  No, Seattle is not the best place for you as an ally.

The best place for you, Macklemore, is aboard a rocket being launched straight into the sun.

Why are People Listening to Me?

Because you haven’t fired up the engine yet, silly.  How are you going to be launched into the sun if you don’t ignite the engine?

Am I Giving Credit Where it’s Due?

Yes, you should give a short speech thanking all the engineers and technicians who made your journey to the sun possible.

Am I Focusing on My Own Feelings Over the Struggles of People of Color?

It’s only natural.  After all, once the rocket takes off, your feelings will, in the most literal sense, be over the struggles of people of color.  Several miles over the struggles of people of color, in fact, and continually getting higher over the struggles of people of color (as well as everything else occurring on the surface of the Earth).

Is My Allyship About This One-Time Opportunity or Is It An Ongoing Process?

Why not both?  You will have a one-time opportunity as the intense heat and radiation of the sun overwhelms your rocket, and then the atoms that make up you, Macklemore, will become part of the sun’s ongoing process of combining hydrogen into helium in order to heat the solar system.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?  It is the east, and Macklemore is the sun!

On Pumpkin Spice

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

I gave in to curiosity yesterday and got a pumpkin spice latte. I got it from McDonald’s, since my hometown doesn’t have a Dunkin Donuts or (despite being in Pennsylvania) a Wawa or Sheetz. 

In the words of Lisa Simpson after seeing the video “Bin Laden in a Blender”: “It delivers what it promises.” It tasted like a blend of pumpkin pie and coffee. As far as fall-related culinary items go, I’d rank it ahead of candy corn but behind apple cider. I’d get it again, but I don’t understand why hipsters go crazy and demand pumpkin spice everything starting halfway through August (then again, I don’t understand most of what hipsters do).

(I did see a recipe for pumpkin spice granola (via BuzzFeed), but I’m afraid if I eat that, I’ll automatically turn into a liberal.)

Now to the question we must ask about any new non-alcoholic drink: how do you make it boozy? (Keep in mind that I don’t have an unlimited budget for pumpkin spice lattes* and new forms of alcohol, so this is all speculation.) Vodka would probably be best here. Usually, my go-to spirit is whiskey, but I think that the whiskey might clash with the pumpkin flavor. Whiskey does go well with Coke, which is just as sweet, so we can’t rule it out completely. Rum is a possibility, but it might be a little too much sugar. Another possibility is replacing the coffee with Kahlua, but I don’t have enough experience with Kahlua to know how that would go.

*In addition to the financial hit, I have to consider the damage to my reputation from excessive pumpkin spice consumption. Consider this email exchange:

Notre Dame fan of my acquaintance: Saw you got a pumpkin spiced latte. Hope you didn’t spill any on your leggings and ugg boots…

Me: No, but it got all over my Clemson sweatshirt!

Rockin' in the Trump World

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

After hearing about Neil Young refusing to let Donald Trump use “Rockin’ in the Free World”, I wondered how to resolve the problem. After all, an entertaining campaign should have an entertaining song. According to the Fount of All Knowledge, parodies are (mostly) legal under copyright law, so here goes:

There’s colors in his wallet

Green, green, and green

People ridin’ escalators

And it’s gonna be YUUUUUGE

But there’s a campaign sign on the road ahead

There’s a lot of people sayin’ we’d be better off with Jeb

Don’t feel like Ivana,but I am to them

So I try to forget it,any way I can.

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world.

I see a woman in the night

With a weasel in her hand

Under an old street light

Near the Donald’s head

Now she glues it to his scalp, and she’s gone to get a hit

She hates his face,and what she’s done to it

There’s one more weasel

That will never go to school

Never get to fall in love,

Or whatever weasels do.

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world.

We got a twenty percent poll

For the wealthy man

We got losers captured in Vietnam.

We got a party out in the wilderness

Got Mexicans, some of whom are good, I guess.

Got a man of the people, says 

“People, you’re fired!”

Got phones to leak,

Got births to inquire.

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world.

According to news reports, the illustrious Mr. Trump was recently in Scotland, although I was unable to find out whether he said William Wallace was only a war hero because he was hanged, drawn, and quartered. In other news, Jeb “Jeb!” Bush might have a new member of his campaign team:

Kylie Jenner's Chemtrail FAQ

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

Via BuzzFeed, the illustrious Miss Jenner recently posted this to Twitter:

Answer key:

1. Why did I see 75 planes spraying white stuff in the sky on my 15 minute drive into work? Because the hydrocarbons in jet fuel are made of hydrogen and carbon (hence the term “hydrocarbons”) and burning is the rapid combination of flammable materials with oxygen in the air (which is why fires go out when cut off from oxygen). Combining hydrogen with oxygen produces H2O, also known as water. When excess water vapor is unloaded in the atmosphere, it tends to condense, a phenomenon known as “clouds”.

2. Who pays for this and why is it happening? You pay for it, whenever you buy an airline ticket, and as for why it’s happening, see question 1.

3. Is something being exterminated here? No.

4. Is that something me? No.

5. Does this have anything to do with why Honey Bee’s [sic] are Dying [sic] really fast? Considering the current outbreak of Colony Collapse Disorder started in 2006, and air travel had been common for decades before then, almost certainly not.

6. Why are some days normal with no planes spraying and others look like this? Because sometimes the humidity in the upper atmosphere is so low that the water vapor from airplanes immediately evaporates, and sometimes it’s high enough that the water vapor stays condensed for a while. For the same reason, some mornings it’s foggy outside your house and some mornings it’s clear.

7. Whos [sic] is responcible [sic]? You are, if you’ve ever traveled by air.

8. What effect will this have on our health and our childrens [sic] future? None whatsoever. Unlike anti-vaccination theories, you can believe, and even act on, this nonsense without it harming your children. Your lawn and your dignity might suffer, though.

9. WHO THE F*** THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? The Wright Brothers.

10. Am I the only one who sees this? No, there are plenty of people who latch onto causes like this because they need to feel more important and unique.

I Almost Qualify for the Newest Victim Group

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

As anyone who knows my fashion sense would know, I’m straight. As anyone who has seen me dance would know, I’m white. As anyone who has attempted to get me to respond to hints would know, I’m a guy. This makes me obsolete, without any place in the currently fashionable identity politics. 

Riding to my rescue comes James St. James, a writer for Everyday Feminism (h/t National Review). You’d think he’d focus on how society discriminates against people with repetitive names, which tragically drove Sirhan Sirhan to a life of crime and threatens the political career of Chris Christie. (I nominate Phillip Phillips as their celebrity spokesman.) No, instead, it focuses on getting extroverts to check the privilege they supposedly have over introverts. 

Finally, my membership card in the Coalition of the Oppressed was punched. You see, growing up, I had to raise my hand occasionally at the family dinner table to get a word in between my chattery father and sister. I’ve had to reassure my girlfriend several times that she doesn’t need to worry when I don’t say much. If I had written the Golden Rule, it would go something like, “Bother other people not, as you would not wish to be bothered.”

Just when I was about to organize a march on Washington to demand reparations for Richard Nixon’s impeachment trial, I read St. James’s criteria again. He says you’re in need of a privilege check if, among other things, you:

- would rather risk making small talk with your roommate’s guests than go hungry if you need to cross the house to make a sandwich;

- don’t take ridiculously long to shop because you’re too frightened of the store employees to ask one of the employees where something is; or 

- keep bumping into people because you walk close to walls and buildings.

I realized I don’t meet either of those criteria. I’m not the most outgoing guy, but I’m willing to put up with a little small talk to get food or prevent a shopping trip from taking all evening (Hey, I did say I’m a guy). I’m not even sure running the risk of bumping into people is truly the mark of an introvert, because if you bump into somebody, you have to apologize to him- and sometimes even make eye contact. (Eww.) Reading the article, though, it’s apparent that I’m a traitor to my people. An Intro-Tom. I’m holed up in Uncle Tom’s Cabin reading a book while everyone else is outside chatting (Come to think of it, having a secret that you just can’t tell is pretty introverted).

So, it’s back to the drawing board. Look, I know the Left is always on the hunt for new victim groups, but I don’t want to scrutinize every personality quirk for some new reason to need Hillary Clinton to save me next November. 

After all, I’m kind of an introvert.