The Adventures of Satan n'Friends, or Switzerland Loses its Daggone Mind

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

A couple weeks ago, I saw an article from the Foundation for Economic Education that was hyperventilating about the opening ceremony of a train tunnel in Switzerland, describing it as “paganistic rituals of pre-Christian Europe”, a “ghastly production”, and “like little pharaohs”. You can video of the ceremony in two parts of roughly thirty minutes each, here and here. Personally, I thought the ceremony was less “Satanic human sacrifice” and more “The Rite of Spring and Cirque du Soleil had a baby, and that baby grew up and had a baby with the sort of salute to blue-collar work Mike Rowe would come up with if you gave him acid.”

The first ten minutes are dominated by a group of people in orange construction uniforms marching around. Perhaps this is an allusion to some plot by Donald Trump and John Boehner to take over the world and make us all as orange as they are. I just got through a move, so I haven’t had time to keep up with the latest new conspiracy theories. The highlight comes about seven minutes in, when a bunch of people in their underwear enter, led by what appears to be a white, winged, angry Ewok. (Apparently Ace of Spades is in on the conspiracy.) 

Ten minutes in, a railroad car appears carrying a dozen-odd Cousin Itt clones and a guy in a goat costume, which must be where all the accusations of the ceremony being Satanic. Satan, for his part, seems pretty indecisive. When a bunch of women enter carrying a stuffed lamb, antlers, and cow skulls, he decides he’d rather dance with his pals than accept the sacrifice, at one point pulling a “Blurred Lines” move with one of the Cousin Itts:

 

(To be fair, comparing Satan to Robin Thicke might not be entirely fair to Satan.)

Seventeen minutes in, Bernie Sanders shows up in a top hat and starts yodeling. As it turns out, Bernie Sanders is really bad at yodeling. Eventually, a band shows up and everyone, including the devil, waltzes:

A bunch of cars, carrying (among other people) the Pope and Miss America, show up, as well as a train. Bernie Sanders gets bent out-of-shape and sits down on the tracks to eat a sandwich, blocking the train. This may or may not be an allegory of the 2016 Democratic primaries. For the last few minutes of the first half, a choir sings the word “Gloria” over and over again while riding into the glorious future. The ceremony has pulled off the impressive feat of combining three major religions (Paganism, Christianity, and high-speed rail) in five minutes.

The second half of the ceremony is even less coherent than the first half. They’ve moved outside and the Orange Army is back. A picture of a mountainside appears on a screen, and some of the orange people rappel up and down it while the mountainside is blasted away. Finally, something actually related to the process of digging a mountain tunnel! Eventually, though, the orange people strip to their underwear and dance (or fight, it’s hard to tell) with sticks, get into a talcum powder fight, and start rolling down a ramp. Some angels, the devil, and the Cousin Itt clones join them for what appears to be an orgy conducted by people who have no idea how sex is supposed to work. Eventually, the devil has a seizure while a bunch of extras from Monty Python and the Holy Grail  laugh at him:

Almost seventeen minutes in, Satan lies down and takes a nap, a wise move under the circumstances. A babushka woman starts singing a song while another Satan shows up in the back. Just when you thought some order had been restored, everyone from a female Satan to a couple Uncle Sams and some refugees from the Washington Nationals’ Presidents race shows up:

After a few minutes, the characters give up on Satan entirely and start worshipping a clock instead:

Finally, the train appears and Satan n’Pals run over to greet it, mercifully ending the festivities. Overall, I don’t think it proves that Europe’s elites are in league with Satan- the goat dude in this ceremony doesn’t pose much of a threat, and you’d think a deal with the devil would’ve at least prevented Brexit. Still, as someone with Swiss ancestry, I have to agree with Muhammad Ali after his fight in the Congo: “Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat.”

Argentine Pope Unnervingly Fascinated with British Military Defeats

Source: Quora.com

 

PHILADELPHIA- During a tour of Independence Hall and other Philadelphia historic sites, Pope Francis, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio in Buenos Aires, Argentina, expressed a keen interest in the military strategy behind the American Revolution, particularly battles in which the British army was humiliatingly defeated, according to sources closely involved in the Pontiff's visit.

"I expected that, being a church leader from outside the United States, His Holiness would be most interested in the effect the American Revolution had on global political thought and the relationship between church and state," explained Wayne M. Anthony, a National Park Service guide who led the pope and his entourage through Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell.  "Instead, he seemed fascinated with the strategy George Washington used to fend off the British and end colonial rule in this part of the Western Hemisphere."

According to reporters who accompanied the pope on his tour, Francis was particularly interested in how the Continental Army fended off a larger, better-equipped foe that was able to transport its forces thousands of miles across an ocean to an area where much of the native population still supported British rule.  "Would you say that Washington's crossing of the Delaware and victory at Trenton kept the British out of our beloved Malvinas- er, I mean, Philadelphia's, what do you say, suburbs?" the pope asked of Dr. Nate Green, a Temple University historian who assisted in the tour and associated briefings.  

Although some feared the pope's statements on issues such as the environment, immigration, and capitalism would alienate him from the American public, Francis seemed impressed with his visit, to the point of being excited to make a return journey.  He was overheard suggesting to Fr. Gilbert du Motier, a French priest serving as his aide, a visit to such American locations as Saratoga, New York; Yorktown, Virginia; or Cowpens, South Carolina.  Vatican insiders say New Orleans and Baltimore are also likely stops on the next papal tour.  

Pope Francis seemed keen to connect the American Revolution to current issues in world politics.  When Dr. Green mentioned the role French and Spanish aid played in securing American independence, the pope asked Fr. du Motier to research and prepare a briefing on tensions within the European Union and the possibility of a British exit from the EU.  After the tour, the pope was seen making an international phone call during which he spoke excitedly in Spanish to someone he addressed as "Generalissimo".