HARRISBURG- The state budget negotiations were thrown into chaos once again this morning as Gov. Tom Wolf (D) called for a tax on runaway blimps entering Pennsylvania airspace.
"We cannot let out-of-state interests fly their blimps over Pennsylvania without asking them to pay for the damage they cause," explained Wolf spokeswoman Gabriele Kerner during a press conference. The press conference was originally called to explain why Wolf vetoed a $45 million stopgap measure to keep little old ladies from spontaneously combusting for the next three months. Kerner added that the Wolf administration was looking at imposing a tax on jokes and memes related to any unattended blimps in state airspace. "With our schools and infrastructure woefully underfunded, we cannot afford to let the comedy industry exploit Pennsylvania's resources for free.
Conservative members of the legislature are already blasting the idea. "Runaway blimp humor is a new and promising opportunity for our state's economy," said state Sen. Scott Wagner (R-York). "It's ridiculous that, just as this industry is breaking free from its constraints and getting up off the ground, the Wolf administration is looking to deflate it with a new tax. This is just another example of the Wolf administration's liberal ideology blinding them to the needs of Pennsylvania's business community. Sure, to an outside observer, the blimp industry may seem to just be floating along, but sometimes it's hard out there for a blimp."
A spokesman for the General Assembly's leadership refused to commit to supporting or opposing the blimp tax proposal until legislators have more time to review it. This week, the legislature is expected to take up a number of temporary funding measures for popular state spending such as schools, hospitals, the cool side of pillows, the Phillie Phanatic, puppies, bunnies, sending attractive female state employees to go around randomly hugging veterans, baseball, motherhood, apple pie, and Christmas. Governor Wolf has pledged to veto all of them.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Discussing Jim Webb's Exit with the Vietnamese Guy He Killed
(Cross-posted at Ricochet)
This week, former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb dropped out of the Democratic presidential primaries. Here to comment, via seance, is Demh So Dimh, the Viet Cong member Webb killed in 1969.
JD: Comrade Dimh, I understand this is the first American political debate you've seen. Any first impressions?
DSD: Sheryl Crow's rendition of your national anthem allowed me to understand the American military better than fighting them in combat did. If that is what they must listen to, no wonder they are not afraid to die.
JD: Good point. Do you think any of the candidates on stage could appeal to Viet Cong voters?
DSD: Why would they? We are not American citizens, and most of us are also dead.
JD: You could still be a major voting bloc in Chicago.
DSD: Oh, right. Well, in that case, I think Bernie Sanders has a point about corporate power, but his economics are a little too far left for my liking.
JD: Were you surprised to hear yourself mentioned in the debate? Senator Webb mentioned you when the candidates were asked who the enemies were that they were most proud of, and it caused a bit of a stir.
DSD: Really? He mentioned someone who was trying to kill him, instead of a domestic political enemy, and he's the odd one out?
JD: Yes. All the others mentioned domestic political forces.
DSD: You know I was trying to kill him, right? I wasn't blocking a bill he had proposed. I wasn't raising money to run attack ads against him. I. Was. Trying. To. Kill. Him. I threw a small bomb at him with the intention of blasting him into little bits, and-
JD: Comrade Dimh, I understand you have strong feelings, but-
DSD: I don't mean to get angry, but if he thinks I'm his enemy, promote him from lieutenant to Captain Obvious. And your political class thinks that's weird?
JD: Some of them do, yes.
DSD: This is why I will never understand your culture.
JD: Would you consider Senator Webb the enemy you're most proud of?
DSD: Actually, no. I'm more angry at the Pho Sho restaurant in Shamokin, Pennsylvania. Bastards stole my family's banh mi recipe. $&#*!
JD: Wrapping up, are there any other aspects of American culture that fascinate you?
DSD: I've been trying to get into your baseball, but I just can't bring myself to follow it that much. The last time I threw a small, round object, it didn't turn out so well.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
On Pumpkin Spice
(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)
I gave in to curiosity yesterday and got a pumpkin spice latte. I got it from McDonald’s, since my hometown doesn’t have a Dunkin Donuts or (despite being in Pennsylvania) a Wawa or Sheetz.
In the words of Lisa Simpson after seeing the video “Bin Laden in a Blender”: “It delivers what it promises.” It tasted like a blend of pumpkin pie and coffee. As far as fall-related culinary items go, I’d rank it ahead of candy corn but behind apple cider. I’d get it again, but I don’t understand why hipsters go crazy and demand pumpkin spice everything starting halfway through August (then again, I don’t understand most of what hipsters do).
(I did see a recipe for pumpkin spice granola (via BuzzFeed), but I’m afraid if I eat that, I’ll automatically turn into a liberal.)
Now to the question we must ask about any new non-alcoholic drink: how do you make it boozy? (Keep in mind that I don’t have an unlimited budget for pumpkin spice lattes* and new forms of alcohol, so this is all speculation.) Vodka would probably be best here. Usually, my go-to spirit is whiskey, but I think that the whiskey might clash with the pumpkin flavor. Whiskey does go well with Coke, which is just as sweet, so we can’t rule it out completely. Rum is a possibility, but it might be a little too much sugar. Another possibility is replacing the coffee with Kahlua, but I don’t have enough experience with Kahlua to know how that would go.
*In addition to the financial hit, I have to consider the damage to my reputation from excessive pumpkin spice consumption. Consider this email exchange:
Notre Dame fan of my acquaintance: Saw you got a pumpkin spiced latte. Hope you didn’t spill any on your leggings and ugg boots…
Me: No, but it got all over my Clemson sweatshirt!
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Argentine Pope Unnervingly Fascinated with British Military Defeats
Source: Quora.com
PHILADELPHIA- During a tour of Independence Hall and other Philadelphia historic sites, Pope Francis, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio in Buenos Aires, Argentina, expressed a keen interest in the military strategy behind the American Revolution, particularly battles in which the British army was humiliatingly defeated, according to sources closely involved in the Pontiff's visit.
"I expected that, being a church leader from outside the United States, His Holiness would be most interested in the effect the American Revolution had on global political thought and the relationship between church and state," explained Wayne M. Anthony, a National Park Service guide who led the pope and his entourage through Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell. "Instead, he seemed fascinated with the strategy George Washington used to fend off the British and end colonial rule in this part of the Western Hemisphere."
According to reporters who accompanied the pope on his tour, Francis was particularly interested in how the Continental Army fended off a larger, better-equipped foe that was able to transport its forces thousands of miles across an ocean to an area where much of the native population still supported British rule. "Would you say that Washington's crossing of the Delaware and victory at Trenton kept the British out of our beloved Malvinas- er, I mean, Philadelphia's, what do you say, suburbs?" the pope asked of Dr. Nate Green, a Temple University historian who assisted in the tour and associated briefings.
Although some feared the pope's statements on issues such as the environment, immigration, and capitalism would alienate him from the American public, Francis seemed impressed with his visit, to the point of being excited to make a return journey. He was overheard suggesting to Fr. Gilbert du Motier, a French priest serving as his aide, a visit to such American locations as Saratoga, New York; Yorktown, Virginia; or Cowpens, South Carolina. Vatican insiders say New Orleans and Baltimore are also likely stops on the next papal tour.
Pope Francis seemed keen to connect the American Revolution to current issues in world politics. When Dr. Green mentioned the role French and Spanish aid played in securing American independence, the pope asked Fr. du Motier to research and prepare a briefing on tensions within the European Union and the possibility of a British exit from the EU. After the tour, the pope was seen making an international phone call during which he spoke excitedly in Spanish to someone he addressed as "Generalissimo".
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Toomey Campaign, Prominent Gypsy Part Ways
ALLENTOWN- In a move that surprised many political observers, the re-election campaign of Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) ended its relationship with Madame Tizenhat, a Gypsy hired to curse potential Democratic challengers to the senator.
“This is no reflection on Madame Tizenhat’s character or competence,” explained Calvin Luther, Sen. Toomey’s state director. “Her expertise is second to none, and we would recommend her without hesitation to anyone interested in her services. However, we decided to take the campaign in a different direction, one focused on Senator Toomey’s record and the need for a conservative voice representing Pennsylvania in the Senate, not causing the political implosion of prominent Democrats through supernatural means.”
Asked to comment, Madame Tizenhat said only, “No curse Senator Pat. Left on good terms. Big severance package.”
According to an unnamed source within the campaign, recent events with former Congressman and Admiral Joe Sestak, the only announced challenger to Toomey so far, and Allentown Mayor Ed Pawlowski, who recently ended his campaign, forced the Toomey camp’s hand. “We had to do something, before another city was plunged into scandal or more innocent children got hurt,” the source, who asked not to be identified, said.
Other sources within the campaign cited unease with Tizenhat’s actions against her initial target, state Attorney General Kathleen Kane. “When we first brought her on, I figured she’d cook up something to slow [Kane’s] momentum,” said Mark Whitewash, field rep in the Toomey campaign’s Pittsburgh office. “Maybe [Gov.] Tom Wolf hiring her pollster away, or her chief of staff posting something homophobic on Facebook. But a grand jury recommending charges? Not two months after she gets in a car accident? That’s just overkill.”
Some thought the curse strategy was flawed from the beginning. “I think we panicked after the 2012 election and Kane made some initial moves toward getting in the race,” said Golda MacKenzie, the Toomey campaign’s liaison to craft breweries. “I mean, winning re-election as an incumbent politician in Pennsylvania isn’t exactly the hardest thing in the world. Sure, Pat [Toomey] has cast a few controversial votes on entitlement reform, but it’s not like he fired Joe Paterno or anything. Nobody liked Arlen Specter, but he got to be senator for about a hundred years. Even Rick Santorum managed to win a second term, back in 2000.”
“Rick. Freaking. Santorum.”
Even with Kane and Pawlowski out of the race, the Democrats have several options for the upcoming Senate election. In addition to Sestak, who narrowly lost to Toomey in 2010 and who party leadership does not like for some reason, the party has reached out to state Sen. Vince Hughes, Montgomery County Commissioner Josh Shapiro, former Congressman Chris Carney, Lebanon Levi, that one really opinionated bartender at Annie Bailey’s, most of the editorial staff of Lancaster Newspapers, and Francis X. Casey, a previously unknown Casey.
At press time, we had received unconfirmed reports that Katie McGinty, Governor Tom Wolf’s chief of staff and a former Secretary of Environmental Protection, fell into an open manhole cover while crossing Third Street in Harrisburg. More on this as it develops.
“This is no reflection on Madame Tizenhat’s character or competence,” explained Calvin Luther, Sen. Toomey’s state director. “Her expertise is second to none, and we would recommend her without hesitation to anyone interested in her services. However, we decided to take the campaign in a different direction, one focused on Senator Toomey’s record and the need for a conservative voice representing Pennsylvania in the Senate, not causing the political implosion of prominent Democrats through supernatural means.”
Asked to comment, Madame Tizenhat said only, “No curse Senator Pat. Left on good terms. Big severance package.”
According to an unnamed source within the campaign, recent events with former Congressman and Admiral Joe Sestak, the only announced challenger to Toomey so far, and Allentown Mayor Ed Pawlowski, who recently ended his campaign, forced the Toomey camp’s hand. “We had to do something, before another city was plunged into scandal or more innocent children got hurt,” the source, who asked not to be identified, said.
Other sources within the campaign cited unease with Tizenhat’s actions against her initial target, state Attorney General Kathleen Kane. “When we first brought her on, I figured she’d cook up something to slow [Kane’s] momentum,” said Mark Whitewash, field rep in the Toomey campaign’s Pittsburgh office. “Maybe [Gov.] Tom Wolf hiring her pollster away, or her chief of staff posting something homophobic on Facebook. But a grand jury recommending charges? Not two months after she gets in a car accident? That’s just overkill.”
Some thought the curse strategy was flawed from the beginning. “I think we panicked after the 2012 election and Kane made some initial moves toward getting in the race,” said Golda MacKenzie, the Toomey campaign’s liaison to craft breweries. “I mean, winning re-election as an incumbent politician in Pennsylvania isn’t exactly the hardest thing in the world. Sure, Pat [Toomey] has cast a few controversial votes on entitlement reform, but it’s not like he fired Joe Paterno or anything. Nobody liked Arlen Specter, but he got to be senator for about a hundred years. Even Rick Santorum managed to win a second term, back in 2000.”
“Rick. Freaking. Santorum.”
Even with Kane and Pawlowski out of the race, the Democrats have several options for the upcoming Senate election. In addition to Sestak, who narrowly lost to Toomey in 2010 and who party leadership does not like for some reason, the party has reached out to state Sen. Vince Hughes, Montgomery County Commissioner Josh Shapiro, former Congressman Chris Carney, Lebanon Levi, that one really opinionated bartender at Annie Bailey’s, most of the editorial staff of Lancaster Newspapers, and Francis X. Casey, a previously unknown Casey.
At press time, we had received unconfirmed reports that Katie McGinty, Governor Tom Wolf’s chief of staff and a former Secretary of Environmental Protection, fell into an open manhole cover while crossing Third Street in Harrisburg. More on this as it develops.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Maryland Liquor Merchants Applaud Wolf Veto
HAVRE DE GRACE, Md.- Gov. Tom Wolf (D-Pa.) vetoed a bill to privatize his state's liquor stores Wednesday, drawing support from an unlikely corner: wine and liquor store owners and employees across the northern tier of Maryland.
"Pennsylvania's sensible alcohol policy has been vital to our success," said Russell Bell, owner of Bell's Booze Bazaar in Havre de Grace. "I applaud him for standing up to the Republicans' reckless attempt to change it."
Many supporters of the veto cited the liquor industry's ability to thrive even in remote areas of Maryland. "There are three liquor stores and a vineyard just on this stretch of [Interstate 83]", explained Preston Broadus, a clerk in a wine and liquor store in northern Baltimore County. "Even though there aren't many people around here, they're all hiring."
Still, the fact that privatization passed both houses of the General Assembly unnerved some Maryland merchants. "We need to do a better job of making our case to the public," said Tom Carcetti, owner of Tom's Winoplasty in Hagerstown. "I don't think Maryland voters understand just how important Pennsylvania's liquor policy is to our state's economy."
At press time, we were unable to contact Jimmy McNulty, chairman of the Maryland Liquor and Alcohol Retailing Industry Association (MaLARIA). A spokesman said Mr. McNulty was in Pennsylvania buying Fourth of July fireworks.
"Pennsylvania's sensible alcohol policy has been vital to our success," said Russell Bell, owner of Bell's Booze Bazaar in Havre de Grace. "I applaud him for standing up to the Republicans' reckless attempt to change it."
Many supporters of the veto cited the liquor industry's ability to thrive even in remote areas of Maryland. "There are three liquor stores and a vineyard just on this stretch of [Interstate 83]", explained Preston Broadus, a clerk in a wine and liquor store in northern Baltimore County. "Even though there aren't many people around here, they're all hiring."
Still, the fact that privatization passed both houses of the General Assembly unnerved some Maryland merchants. "We need to do a better job of making our case to the public," said Tom Carcetti, owner of Tom's Winoplasty in Hagerstown. "I don't think Maryland voters understand just how important Pennsylvania's liquor policy is to our state's economy."
At press time, we were unable to contact Jimmy McNulty, chairman of the Maryland Liquor and Alcohol Retailing Industry Association (MaLARIA). A spokesman said Mr. McNulty was in Pennsylvania buying Fourth of July fireworks.
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