Argentine Pope Unnervingly Fascinated with British Military Defeats

Source: Quora.com

 

PHILADELPHIA- During a tour of Independence Hall and other Philadelphia historic sites, Pope Francis, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio in Buenos Aires, Argentina, expressed a keen interest in the military strategy behind the American Revolution, particularly battles in which the British army was humiliatingly defeated, according to sources closely involved in the Pontiff's visit.

"I expected that, being a church leader from outside the United States, His Holiness would be most interested in the effect the American Revolution had on global political thought and the relationship between church and state," explained Wayne M. Anthony, a National Park Service guide who led the pope and his entourage through Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell.  "Instead, he seemed fascinated with the strategy George Washington used to fend off the British and end colonial rule in this part of the Western Hemisphere."

According to reporters who accompanied the pope on his tour, Francis was particularly interested in how the Continental Army fended off a larger, better-equipped foe that was able to transport its forces thousands of miles across an ocean to an area where much of the native population still supported British rule.  "Would you say that Washington's crossing of the Delaware and victory at Trenton kept the British out of our beloved Malvinas- er, I mean, Philadelphia's, what do you say, suburbs?" the pope asked of Dr. Nate Green, a Temple University historian who assisted in the tour and associated briefings.  

Although some feared the pope's statements on issues such as the environment, immigration, and capitalism would alienate him from the American public, Francis seemed impressed with his visit, to the point of being excited to make a return journey.  He was overheard suggesting to Fr. Gilbert du Motier, a French priest serving as his aide, a visit to such American locations as Saratoga, New York; Yorktown, Virginia; or Cowpens, South Carolina.  Vatican insiders say New Orleans and Baltimore are also likely stops on the next papal tour.  

Pope Francis seemed keen to connect the American Revolution to current issues in world politics.  When Dr. Green mentioned the role French and Spanish aid played in securing American independence, the pope asked Fr. du Motier to research and prepare a briefing on tensions within the European Union and the possibility of a British exit from the EU.  After the tour, the pope was seen making an international phone call during which he spoke excitedly in Spanish to someone he addressed as "Generalissimo".  

Rockin' in the Trump World

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

After hearing about Neil Young refusing to let Donald Trump use “Rockin’ in the Free World”, I wondered how to resolve the problem. After all, an entertaining campaign should have an entertaining song. According to the Fount of All Knowledge, parodies are (mostly) legal under copyright law, so here goes:

There’s colors in his wallet

Green, green, and green

People ridin’ escalators

And it’s gonna be YUUUUUGE

But there’s a campaign sign on the road ahead

There’s a lot of people sayin’ we’d be better off with Jeb

Don’t feel like Ivana,but I am to them

So I try to forget it,any way I can.

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world.

I see a woman in the night

With a weasel in her hand

Under an old street light

Near the Donald’s head

Now she glues it to his scalp, and she’s gone to get a hit

She hates his face,and what she’s done to it

There’s one more weasel

That will never go to school

Never get to fall in love,

Or whatever weasels do.

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world.

We got a twenty percent poll

For the wealthy man

We got losers captured in Vietnam.

We got a party out in the wilderness

Got Mexicans, some of whom are good, I guess.

Got a man of the people, says 

“People, you’re fired!”

Got phones to leak,

Got births to inquire.

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world,

Keep on rockin’ in the Trump world.

According to news reports, the illustrious Mr. Trump was recently in Scotland, although I was unable to find out whether he said William Wallace was only a war hero because he was hanged, drawn, and quartered. In other news, Jeb “Jeb!” Bush might have a new member of his campaign team:

Toomey Campaign, Prominent Gypsy Part Ways

ALLENTOWN- In a move that surprised many political observers, the re-election campaign of Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) ended its relationship with Madame Tizenhat, a Gypsy hired to curse potential Democratic challengers to the senator.

“This is no reflection on Madame Tizenhat’s character or competence,” explained Calvin Luther, Sen. Toomey’s state director.  “Her expertise is second to none, and we would recommend her without hesitation to anyone interested in her services.  However, we decided to take the campaign in a different direction, one focused on Senator Toomey’s record and the need for a conservative voice representing Pennsylvania in the Senate, not causing the political implosion of prominent Democrats through supernatural means.”

Asked to comment, Madame Tizenhat said only, “No curse Senator Pat.  Left on good terms.  Big severance package.”

According to an unnamed source within the campaign, recent events with former Congressman and Admiral Joe Sestak, the only announced challenger to Toomey so far, and Allentown Mayor Ed Pawlowski, who recently ended his campaign, forced the Toomey camp’s hand.  “We had to do something, before another city was plunged into scandal or more innocent children got hurt,” the source, who asked not to be identified, said.

Other sources within the campaign cited unease with Tizenhat’s actions against her initial target, state Attorney General Kathleen Kane.  “When we first brought her on, I figured she’d cook up something to slow [Kane’s] momentum,” said Mark Whitewash, field rep in the Toomey campaign’s Pittsburgh office.  “Maybe [Gov.] Tom Wolf hiring her pollster away, or her chief of staff posting something homophobic on Facebook.  But a grand jury recommending charges?  Not two months after she gets in a car accident?  That’s just overkill.”

Some thought the curse strategy was flawed from the beginning.  “I think we panicked after the 2012 election and Kane made some initial moves toward getting in the race,” said Golda MacKenzie, the Toomey campaign’s liaison to craft breweries.  “I mean, winning re-election as an incumbent politician in Pennsylvania isn’t exactly the hardest thing in the world.  Sure, Pat [Toomey] has cast a few controversial votes on entitlement reform, but it’s not like he fired Joe Paterno or anything.  Nobody liked Arlen Specter, but he got to be senator for about a hundred years.  Even Rick Santorum managed to win a second term, back in 2000.”  

“Rick.  Freaking.  Santorum.”

Even with Kane and Pawlowski out of the race, the Democrats have several options for the upcoming Senate election.  In addition to Sestak, who narrowly lost to Toomey in 2010 and who party leadership does not like for some reason, the party has reached out to state Sen. Vince Hughes, Montgomery County Commissioner Josh Shapiro, former Congressman Chris Carney, Lebanon Levi, that one really opinionated bartender at Annie Bailey’s, most of the editorial staff of Lancaster Newspapers, and Francis X. Casey, a previously unknown Casey.

At press time, we had received unconfirmed reports that Katie McGinty, Governor Tom Wolf’s chief of staff and a former Secretary of Environmental Protection, fell into an open manhole cover while crossing Third Street in Harrisburg.  More on this as it develops.

Maryland Liquor Merchants Applaud Wolf Veto

HAVRE DE GRACE, Md.- Gov. Tom Wolf (D-Pa.) vetoed a bill to privatize his state's liquor stores Wednesday, drawing support from an unlikely corner: wine and liquor store owners and employees across the northern tier of Maryland.

"Pennsylvania's sensible alcohol policy has been vital to our success," said Russell Bell, owner of Bell's Booze Bazaar in Havre de Grace.  "I applaud him for standing up to the Republicans' reckless attempt to change it."

Many supporters of the veto cited the liquor industry's ability to thrive even in remote areas of Maryland.  "There are three liquor stores and a vineyard just on this stretch of [Interstate 83]", explained Preston Broadus, a clerk in a wine and liquor store in northern Baltimore County.  "Even though there aren't many people around here, they're all hiring."

Still, the fact that privatization passed both houses of the General Assembly unnerved some Maryland merchants.  "We need to do a better job of making our case to the public," said Tom Carcetti, owner of Tom's Winoplasty in Hagerstown.  "I don't think Maryland voters understand just how important Pennsylvania's liquor policy is to our state's economy."

At press time, we were unable to contact Jimmy McNulty, chairman of the Maryland Liquor and Alcohol Retailing Industry Association (MaLARIA).  A spokesman said Mr. McNulty was in Pennsylvania buying Fourth of July fireworks.

2016 in the Danger Zone

Over at The Federalist, Ben Domenech is calling for Archer-themed parodies regarding the recent revelations about Marco Rubio's semi-extravagant lifestyle.  As I contemplated it, I realized that not just the illustrious senator from Florida, but the entire 2016 field really knows how to Archer:

If you're wondering where the meters come from, that's former Rhode Island governor Lincoln Chafee, who wants to put the United States on the metric system to apologize for the war in Iraq.  No, really.  Man, you give the peace crowd 2.54 centimeters and they'll take 1.6093 kilometers.

More on the nexus between public affairs and Archer quotes here.

(Image sources, in order: CNN, Yahoo News, The Baltimore Sun, Xfinity.com, The Washington Times, Business Insider, The Sarasota Herald-Tribune, Fusion.net, Bloomberg, The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times, The Huffington Post, Human Events, The Daily Mail, The Daily Beast, The Nation, The Columbus Dispatch, The Huffington Post, BlogDailyHerald, The Observer, The Huffington Post)

The Odd Appeal of Bernie Sanders

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

I subscribe to NBC’s daily First Read email update on the “know-thine-enemy” principle. Last week, its discussion of Bernie Sanders’s presidential launch contained this paragraph (emphasis mine): 

In his presidential kickoff speech yesterday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called for “a political revolution to transform our country economically, politically, socially, and environmentally…The issue of wealth and income inequality is the great moral issue of our time.”…Sanders’ weakness if he somehow catches fire: His appeal is with upscale, affluent Democratic whites, but not the Latinos and African Americans who also make up the Democratic coalition. Sanders is filling your classic Gary Hart/ Bill Bradley/ Howard Dean position.

NBC doesn’t seem to think it’s curious that a candidate who campaigns against income inequality would primarily appeal to “upscale, affluent” voters, but I do. If Sanders’s platform is focused on income inequality and sticking it to Wall Street, why isn’t he counting on the support of poor and working-class voters? Here’s what I came up with, from most cynical to least:

-It’s left-wing posturing: Progressivism began largely as a movement of upper-middle-class people telling poor people what was best for them. From Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity crusade to the “social justice warriors” getting offended on others’ behalf, this tendency is still going strong, and might help explain some of Sanders’s appeal. 

-It’s all about race: Perhaps the crucial variable isn’t income, but race. Hillary Clinton looks set to continue her strong support among Hispanic voters (who propelled her to winning the California and Texas primaries in 2008) and might be able to recapture the support she and her husband had in the 1990s among black voters (recall that Bill Clinton was nicknamed the “first black president” until the genuine article appeared). With working-class white voters flocking to the GOP, upscale white voters may be the only option Sanders has left. However, considering black and Hispanic Americans have lower incomes on average than white Americans, you’d think they’d be more receptive to Sanders, or that his message might bring back white working-class voters. 

-The Old College Try: To the extent that Occupy Wall Street, the forerunner of the Sanders campaign, had a coherent policy agenda, it revolved around doing something about student debt, either forgiving it, making college free in the future, or both. Whatever the merits of this issue*, by definition, it’s one that only appeals to college-educated voters- and it’s one Bernie Sanders is championing. More broadly, it’s never difficult to get people to resent those a little bit wealthier than they are. 

All of these help explain Sanders’s appeal to the affluent, but I don’t think any, or all, of them, explain all of it. Is there something I’ve missed? What else might cause affluent voters to back a self-proclaimed socialist?

*In the interest of full disclosure, I have quite a bit of student debt myself. I agree that it’s a problem, but the eagerness of the left to blame politicians, rich people in general, or anyone on earth other than the colleges that are jacking up tuition in the first place, mystifies me.

Williams Energy, Spirits of Undead Native Americans Reach Agreement on Pipeline Route

LANCASTER, Pa.- In a move hailed as a breakthrough for the energy industry in Pennsylvania, Williams Energy has reached an agreement with the spirits of undead Native Americans whose burial grounds are in the path of the proposed Atlantic Sunrise natural gas pipeline.

“Williams Energy has always believed that gas development must be balanced with the needs and concerns of local communities,” said Williams Energy spokesman Curly McLain, standing beside the ethereal form of thirteenth-century Susquehannock chief Makes-Much-Wampum.  “We are pleased that we have been able to address the concerns of the ghosts of Martic Township’s Native American community in a constructive manner.”

Sources close to the negotiation say the main breakthrough came when Makes-Much-Wampum, communicating via Ouija board, agreed to provide Williams Energy with a list of Indian burial sites whose fallen warriors have already crossed the Bridge of the She-Bear to the Happy Hunting Grounds, and therefore would be unaffected by pipeline construction disturbing their final resting place.  Williams Energy then agreed to clear the final route of the pipeline with the Council of Elder Braves via seance and provide monthly offerings of corn to the Susquehanna, Pequea, and Conestoga River Maidens on a rotating basis.  In exchange, the souls of the local Indians agreed not to drive the pipeline engineers to near-suicidal madness, demand the blood of the firstborn of any Williams Energy executives, or give the Williams back-office staff any really nasty paper cuts.

While the energy industry was quick to tout the agreement as a model of business-community relations, not all pipeline opponents were impressed.  “It’s a shame to see these well-respected community leaders sell out so quickly,” said Melissa Chatterbox, chairwoman of Martic S.P.I.R.I.T. (Stop Putting Industrial Routes In our Township).  “Don’t they have any respect for nature?”