Toomey Campaign, Prominent Gypsy Part Ways

ALLENTOWN- In a move that surprised many political observers, the re-election campaign of Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) ended its relationship with Madame Tizenhat, a Gypsy hired to curse potential Democratic challengers to the senator.

“This is no reflection on Madame Tizenhat’s character or competence,” explained Calvin Luther, Sen. Toomey’s state director.  “Her expertise is second to none, and we would recommend her without hesitation to anyone interested in her services.  However, we decided to take the campaign in a different direction, one focused on Senator Toomey’s record and the need for a conservative voice representing Pennsylvania in the Senate, not causing the political implosion of prominent Democrats through supernatural means.”

Asked to comment, Madame Tizenhat said only, “No curse Senator Pat.  Left on good terms.  Big severance package.”

According to an unnamed source within the campaign, recent events with former Congressman and Admiral Joe Sestak, the only announced challenger to Toomey so far, and Allentown Mayor Ed Pawlowski, who recently ended his campaign, forced the Toomey camp’s hand.  “We had to do something, before another city was plunged into scandal or more innocent children got hurt,” the source, who asked not to be identified, said.

Other sources within the campaign cited unease with Tizenhat’s actions against her initial target, state Attorney General Kathleen Kane.  “When we first brought her on, I figured she’d cook up something to slow [Kane’s] momentum,” said Mark Whitewash, field rep in the Toomey campaign’s Pittsburgh office.  “Maybe [Gov.] Tom Wolf hiring her pollster away, or her chief of staff posting something homophobic on Facebook.  But a grand jury recommending charges?  Not two months after she gets in a car accident?  That’s just overkill.”

Some thought the curse strategy was flawed from the beginning.  “I think we panicked after the 2012 election and Kane made some initial moves toward getting in the race,” said Golda MacKenzie, the Toomey campaign’s liaison to craft breweries.  “I mean, winning re-election as an incumbent politician in Pennsylvania isn’t exactly the hardest thing in the world.  Sure, Pat [Toomey] has cast a few controversial votes on entitlement reform, but it’s not like he fired Joe Paterno or anything.  Nobody liked Arlen Specter, but he got to be senator for about a hundred years.  Even Rick Santorum managed to win a second term, back in 2000.”  

“Rick.  Freaking.  Santorum.”

Even with Kane and Pawlowski out of the race, the Democrats have several options for the upcoming Senate election.  In addition to Sestak, who narrowly lost to Toomey in 2010 and who party leadership does not like for some reason, the party has reached out to state Sen. Vince Hughes, Montgomery County Commissioner Josh Shapiro, former Congressman Chris Carney, Lebanon Levi, that one really opinionated bartender at Annie Bailey’s, most of the editorial staff of Lancaster Newspapers, and Francis X. Casey, a previously unknown Casey.

At press time, we had received unconfirmed reports that Katie McGinty, Governor Tom Wolf’s chief of staff and a former Secretary of Environmental Protection, fell into an open manhole cover while crossing Third Street in Harrisburg.  More on this as it develops.

Maryland Liquor Merchants Applaud Wolf Veto

HAVRE DE GRACE, Md.- Gov. Tom Wolf (D-Pa.) vetoed a bill to privatize his state's liquor stores Wednesday, drawing support from an unlikely corner: wine and liquor store owners and employees across the northern tier of Maryland.

"Pennsylvania's sensible alcohol policy has been vital to our success," said Russell Bell, owner of Bell's Booze Bazaar in Havre de Grace.  "I applaud him for standing up to the Republicans' reckless attempt to change it."

Many supporters of the veto cited the liquor industry's ability to thrive even in remote areas of Maryland.  "There are three liquor stores and a vineyard just on this stretch of [Interstate 83]", explained Preston Broadus, a clerk in a wine and liquor store in northern Baltimore County.  "Even though there aren't many people around here, they're all hiring."

Still, the fact that privatization passed both houses of the General Assembly unnerved some Maryland merchants.  "We need to do a better job of making our case to the public," said Tom Carcetti, owner of Tom's Winoplasty in Hagerstown.  "I don't think Maryland voters understand just how important Pennsylvania's liquor policy is to our state's economy."

At press time, we were unable to contact Jimmy McNulty, chairman of the Maryland Liquor and Alcohol Retailing Industry Association (MaLARIA).  A spokesman said Mr. McNulty was in Pennsylvania buying Fourth of July fireworks.

2016 in the Danger Zone

Over at The Federalist, Ben Domenech is calling for Archer-themed parodies regarding the recent revelations about Marco Rubio's semi-extravagant lifestyle.  As I contemplated it, I realized that not just the illustrious senator from Florida, but the entire 2016 field really knows how to Archer:

If you're wondering where the meters come from, that's former Rhode Island governor Lincoln Chafee, who wants to put the United States on the metric system to apologize for the war in Iraq.  No, really.  Man, you give the peace crowd 2.54 centimeters and they'll take 1.6093 kilometers.

More on the nexus between public affairs and Archer quotes here.

(Image sources, in order: CNN, Yahoo News, The Baltimore Sun, Xfinity.com, The Washington Times, Business Insider, The Sarasota Herald-Tribune, Fusion.net, Bloomberg, The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times, The Huffington Post, Human Events, The Daily Mail, The Daily Beast, The Nation, The Columbus Dispatch, The Huffington Post, BlogDailyHerald, The Observer, The Huffington Post)

The Odd Appeal of Bernie Sanders

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

I subscribe to NBC’s daily First Read email update on the “know-thine-enemy” principle. Last week, its discussion of Bernie Sanders’s presidential launch contained this paragraph (emphasis mine): 

In his presidential kickoff speech yesterday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called for “a political revolution to transform our country economically, politically, socially, and environmentally…The issue of wealth and income inequality is the great moral issue of our time.”…Sanders’ weakness if he somehow catches fire: His appeal is with upscale, affluent Democratic whites, but not the Latinos and African Americans who also make up the Democratic coalition. Sanders is filling your classic Gary Hart/ Bill Bradley/ Howard Dean position.

NBC doesn’t seem to think it’s curious that a candidate who campaigns against income inequality would primarily appeal to “upscale, affluent” voters, but I do. If Sanders’s platform is focused on income inequality and sticking it to Wall Street, why isn’t he counting on the support of poor and working-class voters? Here’s what I came up with, from most cynical to least:

-It’s left-wing posturing: Progressivism began largely as a movement of upper-middle-class people telling poor people what was best for them. From Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity crusade to the “social justice warriors” getting offended on others’ behalf, this tendency is still going strong, and might help explain some of Sanders’s appeal. 

-It’s all about race: Perhaps the crucial variable isn’t income, but race. Hillary Clinton looks set to continue her strong support among Hispanic voters (who propelled her to winning the California and Texas primaries in 2008) and might be able to recapture the support she and her husband had in the 1990s among black voters (recall that Bill Clinton was nicknamed the “first black president” until the genuine article appeared). With working-class white voters flocking to the GOP, upscale white voters may be the only option Sanders has left. However, considering black and Hispanic Americans have lower incomes on average than white Americans, you’d think they’d be more receptive to Sanders, or that his message might bring back white working-class voters. 

-The Old College Try: To the extent that Occupy Wall Street, the forerunner of the Sanders campaign, had a coherent policy agenda, it revolved around doing something about student debt, either forgiving it, making college free in the future, or both. Whatever the merits of this issue*, by definition, it’s one that only appeals to college-educated voters- and it’s one Bernie Sanders is championing. More broadly, it’s never difficult to get people to resent those a little bit wealthier than they are. 

All of these help explain Sanders’s appeal to the affluent, but I don’t think any, or all, of them, explain all of it. Is there something I’ve missed? What else might cause affluent voters to back a self-proclaimed socialist?

*In the interest of full disclosure, I have quite a bit of student debt myself. I agree that it’s a problem, but the eagerness of the left to blame politicians, rich people in general, or anyone on earth other than the colleges that are jacking up tuition in the first place, mystifies me.

Williams Energy, Spirits of Undead Native Americans Reach Agreement on Pipeline Route

LANCASTER, Pa.- In a move hailed as a breakthrough for the energy industry in Pennsylvania, Williams Energy has reached an agreement with the spirits of undead Native Americans whose burial grounds are in the path of the proposed Atlantic Sunrise natural gas pipeline.

“Williams Energy has always believed that gas development must be balanced with the needs and concerns of local communities,” said Williams Energy spokesman Curly McLain, standing beside the ethereal form of thirteenth-century Susquehannock chief Makes-Much-Wampum.  “We are pleased that we have been able to address the concerns of the ghosts of Martic Township’s Native American community in a constructive manner.”

Sources close to the negotiation say the main breakthrough came when Makes-Much-Wampum, communicating via Ouija board, agreed to provide Williams Energy with a list of Indian burial sites whose fallen warriors have already crossed the Bridge of the She-Bear to the Happy Hunting Grounds, and therefore would be unaffected by pipeline construction disturbing their final resting place.  Williams Energy then agreed to clear the final route of the pipeline with the Council of Elder Braves via seance and provide monthly offerings of corn to the Susquehanna, Pequea, and Conestoga River Maidens on a rotating basis.  In exchange, the souls of the local Indians agreed not to drive the pipeline engineers to near-suicidal madness, demand the blood of the firstborn of any Williams Energy executives, or give the Williams back-office staff any really nasty paper cuts.

While the energy industry was quick to tout the agreement as a model of business-community relations, not all pipeline opponents were impressed.  “It’s a shame to see these well-respected community leaders sell out so quickly,” said Melissa Chatterbox, chairwoman of Martic S.P.I.R.I.T. (Stop Putting Industrial Routes In our Township).  “Don’t they have any respect for nature?”

Kylie Jenner's Chemtrail FAQ

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

Via BuzzFeed, the illustrious Miss Jenner recently posted this to Twitter:

Answer key:

1. Why did I see 75 planes spraying white stuff in the sky on my 15 minute drive into work? Because the hydrocarbons in jet fuel are made of hydrogen and carbon (hence the term “hydrocarbons”) and burning is the rapid combination of flammable materials with oxygen in the air (which is why fires go out when cut off from oxygen). Combining hydrogen with oxygen produces H2O, also known as water. When excess water vapor is unloaded in the atmosphere, it tends to condense, a phenomenon known as “clouds”.

2. Who pays for this and why is it happening? You pay for it, whenever you buy an airline ticket, and as for why it’s happening, see question 1.

3. Is something being exterminated here? No.

4. Is that something me? No.

5. Does this have anything to do with why Honey Bee’s [sic] are Dying [sic] really fast? Considering the current outbreak of Colony Collapse Disorder started in 2006, and air travel had been common for decades before then, almost certainly not.

6. Why are some days normal with no planes spraying and others look like this? Because sometimes the humidity in the upper atmosphere is so low that the water vapor from airplanes immediately evaporates, and sometimes it’s high enough that the water vapor stays condensed for a while. For the same reason, some mornings it’s foggy outside your house and some mornings it’s clear.

7. Whos [sic] is responcible [sic]? You are, if you’ve ever traveled by air.

8. What effect will this have on our health and our childrens [sic] future? None whatsoever. Unlike anti-vaccination theories, you can believe, and even act on, this nonsense without it harming your children. Your lawn and your dignity might suffer, though.

9. WHO THE F*** THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? The Wright Brothers.

10. Am I the only one who sees this? No, there are plenty of people who latch onto causes like this because they need to feel more important and unique.

The Fall of the House of Shuster?

(cross-posted at Ricochet)

Here in Pennsylvania, we figured our state legislature had gerrymandered us out of having any interesting Congressional races until 2020. In particular, you’d expect Rep. Bill Shuster of the ninth district to be safe. He’s a Republican in the state’s most Republican district. He’s chairman of the Transportation committee, following in the footsteps of his father, who has half the highways in the area (including an Interstate highway that violates the usual numbering scheme) named after him. 

Into each Congressional career, though, some scandal must fall. Since last summer, Rep. Shuster has been dating Shelley Rubino, a lobbyist for the airlines’ trade association. He insists he is going above and beyond House ethics rules in the matter, and there’s no evidence the relationship started before Rep. Shuster’s divorce last year. Still, it looks bad. 

Rep. Shuster was never as safe as his committee chairmanship and name would suggest. He’s a relative moderate in a conservative district, and came into his office under unusual circumstances (his father resigned in 2001, setting up a special election, instead of retiring at the end of his term). He barely survived a primary challenge in 2004, and only got 53% of the vote against two candidates in the 2014 primary. He may be about to face his strongest opponent yet in Tom Smith, a coal company executive. Smith has name recognition (he was the nominee to challenge Sen. Bob Casey in 2012 and carried all but one of the counties in the district), the wealth to self-fund a campaign, and serves on the board of directors of the Commonwealth Foundation, one of Pennsylvania’s leading conservative think tanks. 

The biggest problem for Smith is that he doesn’t live in the district- he lives in Armstrong County, just west of the district’s northwest corner. It’s unlikely either that Shuster will decline to run for re-election next year, or that he’ll avoid a challenger even if Smith doesn’t run. In what ought to be a safe district for any Republican incumbent, we might be seeing the marquee race of next year’s primary season emerge.