2016 in the Danger Zone

Over at The Federalist, Ben Domenech is calling for Archer-themed parodies regarding the recent revelations about Marco Rubio's semi-extravagant lifestyle.  As I contemplated it, I realized that not just the illustrious senator from Florida, but the entire 2016 field really knows how to Archer:

If you're wondering where the meters come from, that's former Rhode Island governor Lincoln Chafee, who wants to put the United States on the metric system to apologize for the war in Iraq.  No, really.  Man, you give the peace crowd 2.54 centimeters and they'll take 1.6093 kilometers.

More on the nexus between public affairs and Archer quotes here.

(Image sources, in order: CNN, Yahoo News, The Baltimore Sun, Xfinity.com, The Washington Times, Business Insider, The Sarasota Herald-Tribune, Fusion.net, Bloomberg, The New Yorker, The Los Angeles Times, The Huffington Post, Human Events, The Daily Mail, The Daily Beast, The Nation, The Columbus Dispatch, The Huffington Post, BlogDailyHerald, The Observer, The Huffington Post)

The Odd Appeal of Bernie Sanders

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

I subscribe to NBC’s daily First Read email update on the “know-thine-enemy” principle. Last week, its discussion of Bernie Sanders’s presidential launch contained this paragraph (emphasis mine): 

In his presidential kickoff speech yesterday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called for “a political revolution to transform our country economically, politically, socially, and environmentally…The issue of wealth and income inequality is the great moral issue of our time.”…Sanders’ weakness if he somehow catches fire: His appeal is with upscale, affluent Democratic whites, but not the Latinos and African Americans who also make up the Democratic coalition. Sanders is filling your classic Gary Hart/ Bill Bradley/ Howard Dean position.

NBC doesn’t seem to think it’s curious that a candidate who campaigns against income inequality would primarily appeal to “upscale, affluent” voters, but I do. If Sanders’s platform is focused on income inequality and sticking it to Wall Street, why isn’t he counting on the support of poor and working-class voters? Here’s what I came up with, from most cynical to least:

-It’s left-wing posturing: Progressivism began largely as a movement of upper-middle-class people telling poor people what was best for them. From Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity crusade to the “social justice warriors” getting offended on others’ behalf, this tendency is still going strong, and might help explain some of Sanders’s appeal. 

-It’s all about race: Perhaps the crucial variable isn’t income, but race. Hillary Clinton looks set to continue her strong support among Hispanic voters (who propelled her to winning the California and Texas primaries in 2008) and might be able to recapture the support she and her husband had in the 1990s among black voters (recall that Bill Clinton was nicknamed the “first black president” until the genuine article appeared). With working-class white voters flocking to the GOP, upscale white voters may be the only option Sanders has left. However, considering black and Hispanic Americans have lower incomes on average than white Americans, you’d think they’d be more receptive to Sanders, or that his message might bring back white working-class voters. 

-The Old College Try: To the extent that Occupy Wall Street, the forerunner of the Sanders campaign, had a coherent policy agenda, it revolved around doing something about student debt, either forgiving it, making college free in the future, or both. Whatever the merits of this issue*, by definition, it’s one that only appeals to college-educated voters- and it’s one Bernie Sanders is championing. More broadly, it’s never difficult to get people to resent those a little bit wealthier than they are. 

All of these help explain Sanders’s appeal to the affluent, but I don’t think any, or all, of them, explain all of it. Is there something I’ve missed? What else might cause affluent voters to back a self-proclaimed socialist?

*In the interest of full disclosure, I have quite a bit of student debt myself. I agree that it’s a problem, but the eagerness of the left to blame politicians, rich people in general, or anyone on earth other than the colleges that are jacking up tuition in the first place, mystifies me.

Williams Energy, Spirits of Undead Native Americans Reach Agreement on Pipeline Route

LANCASTER, Pa.- In a move hailed as a breakthrough for the energy industry in Pennsylvania, Williams Energy has reached an agreement with the spirits of undead Native Americans whose burial grounds are in the path of the proposed Atlantic Sunrise natural gas pipeline.

“Williams Energy has always believed that gas development must be balanced with the needs and concerns of local communities,” said Williams Energy spokesman Curly McLain, standing beside the ethereal form of thirteenth-century Susquehannock chief Makes-Much-Wampum.  “We are pleased that we have been able to address the concerns of the ghosts of Martic Township’s Native American community in a constructive manner.”

Sources close to the negotiation say the main breakthrough came when Makes-Much-Wampum, communicating via Ouija board, agreed to provide Williams Energy with a list of Indian burial sites whose fallen warriors have already crossed the Bridge of the She-Bear to the Happy Hunting Grounds, and therefore would be unaffected by pipeline construction disturbing their final resting place.  Williams Energy then agreed to clear the final route of the pipeline with the Council of Elder Braves via seance and provide monthly offerings of corn to the Susquehanna, Pequea, and Conestoga River Maidens on a rotating basis.  In exchange, the souls of the local Indians agreed not to drive the pipeline engineers to near-suicidal madness, demand the blood of the firstborn of any Williams Energy executives, or give the Williams back-office staff any really nasty paper cuts.

While the energy industry was quick to tout the agreement as a model of business-community relations, not all pipeline opponents were impressed.  “It’s a shame to see these well-respected community leaders sell out so quickly,” said Melissa Chatterbox, chairwoman of Martic S.P.I.R.I.T. (Stop Putting Industrial Routes In our Township).  “Don’t they have any respect for nature?”

Kylie Jenner's Chemtrail FAQ

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

Via BuzzFeed, the illustrious Miss Jenner recently posted this to Twitter:

Answer key:

1. Why did I see 75 planes spraying white stuff in the sky on my 15 minute drive into work? Because the hydrocarbons in jet fuel are made of hydrogen and carbon (hence the term “hydrocarbons”) and burning is the rapid combination of flammable materials with oxygen in the air (which is why fires go out when cut off from oxygen). Combining hydrogen with oxygen produces H2O, also known as water. When excess water vapor is unloaded in the atmosphere, it tends to condense, a phenomenon known as “clouds”.

2. Who pays for this and why is it happening? You pay for it, whenever you buy an airline ticket, and as for why it’s happening, see question 1.

3. Is something being exterminated here? No.

4. Is that something me? No.

5. Does this have anything to do with why Honey Bee’s [sic] are Dying [sic] really fast? Considering the current outbreak of Colony Collapse Disorder started in 2006, and air travel had been common for decades before then, almost certainly not.

6. Why are some days normal with no planes spraying and others look like this? Because sometimes the humidity in the upper atmosphere is so low that the water vapor from airplanes immediately evaporates, and sometimes it’s high enough that the water vapor stays condensed for a while. For the same reason, some mornings it’s foggy outside your house and some mornings it’s clear.

7. Whos [sic] is responcible [sic]? You are, if you’ve ever traveled by air.

8. What effect will this have on our health and our childrens [sic] future? None whatsoever. Unlike anti-vaccination theories, you can believe, and even act on, this nonsense without it harming your children. Your lawn and your dignity might suffer, though.

9. WHO THE F*** THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? The Wright Brothers.

10. Am I the only one who sees this? No, there are plenty of people who latch onto causes like this because they need to feel more important and unique.

The Fall of the House of Shuster?

(cross-posted at Ricochet)

Here in Pennsylvania, we figured our state legislature had gerrymandered us out of having any interesting Congressional races until 2020. In particular, you’d expect Rep. Bill Shuster of the ninth district to be safe. He’s a Republican in the state’s most Republican district. He’s chairman of the Transportation committee, following in the footsteps of his father, who has half the highways in the area (including an Interstate highway that violates the usual numbering scheme) named after him. 

Into each Congressional career, though, some scandal must fall. Since last summer, Rep. Shuster has been dating Shelley Rubino, a lobbyist for the airlines’ trade association. He insists he is going above and beyond House ethics rules in the matter, and there’s no evidence the relationship started before Rep. Shuster’s divorce last year. Still, it looks bad. 

Rep. Shuster was never as safe as his committee chairmanship and name would suggest. He’s a relative moderate in a conservative district, and came into his office under unusual circumstances (his father resigned in 2001, setting up a special election, instead of retiring at the end of his term). He barely survived a primary challenge in 2004, and only got 53% of the vote against two candidates in the 2014 primary. He may be about to face his strongest opponent yet in Tom Smith, a coal company executive. Smith has name recognition (he was the nominee to challenge Sen. Bob Casey in 2012 and carried all but one of the counties in the district), the wealth to self-fund a campaign, and serves on the board of directors of the Commonwealth Foundation, one of Pennsylvania’s leading conservative think tanks. 

The biggest problem for Smith is that he doesn’t live in the district- he lives in Armstrong County, just west of the district’s northwest corner. It’s unlikely either that Shuster will decline to run for re-election next year, or that he’ll avoid a challenger even if Smith doesn’t run. In what ought to be a safe district for any Republican incumbent, we might be seeing the marquee race of next year’s primary season emerge. 

I Almost Qualify for the Newest Victim Group

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

As anyone who knows my fashion sense would know, I’m straight. As anyone who has seen me dance would know, I’m white. As anyone who has attempted to get me to respond to hints would know, I’m a guy. This makes me obsolete, without any place in the currently fashionable identity politics. 

Riding to my rescue comes James St. James, a writer for Everyday Feminism (h/t National Review). You’d think he’d focus on how society discriminates against people with repetitive names, which tragically drove Sirhan Sirhan to a life of crime and threatens the political career of Chris Christie. (I nominate Phillip Phillips as their celebrity spokesman.) No, instead, it focuses on getting extroverts to check the privilege they supposedly have over introverts. 

Finally, my membership card in the Coalition of the Oppressed was punched. You see, growing up, I had to raise my hand occasionally at the family dinner table to get a word in between my chattery father and sister. I’ve had to reassure my girlfriend several times that she doesn’t need to worry when I don’t say much. If I had written the Golden Rule, it would go something like, “Bother other people not, as you would not wish to be bothered.”

Just when I was about to organize a march on Washington to demand reparations for Richard Nixon’s impeachment trial, I read St. James’s criteria again. He says you’re in need of a privilege check if, among other things, you:

- would rather risk making small talk with your roommate’s guests than go hungry if you need to cross the house to make a sandwich;

- don’t take ridiculously long to shop because you’re too frightened of the store employees to ask one of the employees where something is; or 

- keep bumping into people because you walk close to walls and buildings.

I realized I don’t meet either of those criteria. I’m not the most outgoing guy, but I’m willing to put up with a little small talk to get food or prevent a shopping trip from taking all evening (Hey, I did say I’m a guy). I’m not even sure running the risk of bumping into people is truly the mark of an introvert, because if you bump into somebody, you have to apologize to him- and sometimes even make eye contact. (Eww.) Reading the article, though, it’s apparent that I’m a traitor to my people. An Intro-Tom. I’m holed up in Uncle Tom’s Cabin reading a book while everyone else is outside chatting (Come to think of it, having a secret that you just can’t tell is pretty introverted).

So, it’s back to the drawing board. Look, I know the Left is always on the hunt for new victim groups, but I don’t want to scrutinize every personality quirk for some new reason to need Hillary Clinton to save me next November. 

After all, I’m kind of an introvert. 

Dispatch from Next Year's Convention

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands. 

PHILADELPHIA, July 25, 2016- 

JD: There seems to be quite of a bit of excitement heading into the convention this week. 

DNC Spokesman: As we did eight years ago, Democrats are poised to break the glass ceiling yet again. We are on the cusp of a moment many of us thought we’d never see in our lifetimes- but just like eight years ago when President Obama took office, history will be made next January when John Edwards becomes our first openly gay President. 

JD: Yes, let’s talk about that. I think it’s safe to say that last spring, when Hillary Clinton was the frontrunner, few would have predicted this turn of events. 

DNC spokesman: We will always appreciate Hillary Clinton’s service to this country as First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State. 

JD: But certainly you have a comment on her emails which were released last November?

DNC spokesman: The primary voters made their decision, and we are committed to making Senator Edwards the next President of the United States.

JD: You don’t even have a reaction about the fact that those emails revealed that Sen. Bernie Sanders was spying for the Russians, forcing him to defect to Moscow shortly after winning the New Hampshire primary?

DNC spokesman: I’m not here to talk about the past.

JD: Well, the special election for Sanders’s Senate seat has become heated. Do you have any comment?

DNC spokesman: Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield are two of Vermont’s most respected businessmen, and I think the fact that they’re both so well-qualified is part of the reason this is a difficult decision for voters. I’m confident whoever emerges from the primary will do great things as the next United States Senator from the great state of Vermont. 

JD: Fair enough. Recent polling shows that John Edwards will have an uphill climb against the Republican Rubio-Fiorina ticket. Senator Rubio is ahead in both his own state of Florida and Senator Edwards’s home state of North Carolina, and polls show dead heats in such Democratic-leaning states as Michigan and New Mexico. Do you think the scandals associated with Senator Edwards are having an effect on public opinion?

DNC spokesman: It’s unfortunate that the stress of living in the closet in our cis-tacular, hetero-riffic society led Senator Edwards to do some film producers- er, things he now regrets. But, you know, he’s out and proud now, and we’re focusing on the future and how Senator Edwards will build on the achievements of President Obama to lead our country into a new era.

JD: I’m pleased to be joined by a spokesman from the Republican National Committee. After two straight victories for President Obama, what does Marco Rubio have that might appeal to Obama voters?

RNC spokesman: Vowels.

JD: Good point. I note there have been some complications in the race to succeed Rubio in the Senate. Care to comment?

RNC spox: While we appreciate Colonel West’s passion for conservative principles and service to his country, and we understand that foreign policy is an emotional issue, particularly after the recent Russian invasion of Lithuania and nuclear test by Poland, biting your opponent’s head off in a debate is a complete violation of the decorum we expect from a United States Senator, and we were forced to ask him to step aside. Our thoughts and prayers are with Congressman Grayson’s family.

JD: Another key Senate race is right here in Pennsylvania. How do you plan to hold onto Pat Toomey’s seat? 

RNC spokesman: We’ve anticipated a closely-fought race for some time. Admiral Sestak is a strong candidate with a distinguished military record. However, we are confident that, after the voters of Pennsylvania have considered Senator Toomey’s positions on the issues that matter most and his record, they will reward him with a second term.

JD: And the Democratic view?

DNC spokesman: Nobody was more shocked than I was to learn of the tragic loss of Admiral Sestak. This is a loss not just for our party, but for all the people of Pennsylvania, and a reminder that pedestrian safety is an issue that affects all of us. 

JD: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

DNC spokesman: Wait, today’s Wednesday, right?

JD: No, it’s Monday.

DNC spokesman: Never mind.