Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Pennsylvania Downballot, I: Why Kane Isn't Able, and the Senate

            Any analysis of the 2016 election in Pennsylvania must begin the way Charles Dickens began A Christmas Carol: “Kathleen Kane was (politically) dead to begin with.  There is no doubt whatever about that.”
            Kane was elected state Attorney General in 2012 as part of a Democratic sweep of all five statewide offices up that year (President, U.S. Senate, and the three “row offices”: auditor general, attorney general, and treasurer).  Riding a wave of discontent with then-Governor Tom Corbett (a former attorney general), she got more votes than anyone else on the ballot in her first bid for elected office, including President Obama and U.S. Sen. Bob Casey.  After disavowing any interest in running against Corbett in 2014, Kane seemed headed to a Clash of the Titans* with U.S. Sen. Pat Toomey in 2016, probably riding Hillary Clinton’s coattails.  
            She had to serve in office first, though, and quickly ran into trouble.   First, in March 2014, she shut down a corruption investigation into several Philadelphia Democratic politicians, which made her appear partisan (especially after the investigation ended in several successful prosecutions).  Then, in January 2015, it came out that a grand jury had recommended perjury charges against Kane in a scandal involving leaking memos to embarrass a subordinate.  By August, she was charged and Gov. Tom Wolf, a fellow Democrat, called for her resignation, and by September, her law license was suspended.   Seeing the writing on the wall, Kane declined to run for a second term as attorney general, let alone for higher office.

*Considering the Irish heritage of the politicians involved, I should probably use a Celtic mythology reference here instead of a Greek one.

U.S. Senate (D)

Pat Toomey disclaimer: I am trying to be as objective as I can in evaluating these races.  In the interests of full disclosure, though, I must admit that I worked on Pat Toomey’s official staff from 2011 to 2013, so I have a natural tendency to wish him success.  In fact, that was my first full-time job out of college- with a liberal arts degree- at the depth of the recession- so my finding any job not involving asking if you want fries with that was a freakin’ miracle and I’d be tempted to give Pat Toomey the benefit of the doubt if I woke up tomorrow morning and found a dead hooker in my living room and Pat Toomey standing over the body with a bloody knife. 

I will not apologize for putting that image in your head.


            You’d think a two-term Congressman and former Admiral who came close to winning as a Democrat in a landslide Republican year would be an obvious favorite in the primary if he decided to seek the office again.
            You’d think.
            Still, when Joe Sestak, who lost to Pat Toomey in 2010 by only 80,000 votes out of almost four million cast, announced he’d be seeking a rematch in 2016, the Democratic establishment’s reaction was less than enthusiastic.  After Kathleen Kane’s implosion, they attempted to recruit former state treasurer Rob McCord (who had to resign due to his own scandal), former U.S. Reps. Chris Carney and Allyson Schwartz, Montgomery County Commissioner Josh Shapiro, state Sen. Vincent Hughes, and Philadelphia D.A. Seth Williams without success.  They did get Allentown Mayor Ed Pawlowski as a candidate, but he dropped out due to a scandal, leaving them with Katie McGinty, a former secretary of environmental protection who came in fourth in the 2014 primary for governor and later served as Gov. Tom Wolf’s chief of staff. 
            What makes Democratic politicians’ reluctance to run against Toomey all the more surprising is that it will be the last chance for a Democrat to run for a major statewide office for some time.  A Democrat wishing to become a U.S. Senator or governor will have to (a) hope Gov. Tom Wolf or Sen. Bob Casey announces a surprise retirement when they’re up for re-election in 2018; (b) challenge Wolf or Casey in the primary; or (c) wait until 2022, when Sen. Toomey’s seat is open again and either Wolf will be term-limited or a Republican who defeats him in 2018 will be up for re-election.
            The origins of the Democratic party’s feud with Joe Sestak are mysterious: it might be because he didn’t go with the party’s choice for his campaign manager; it might date all the way back to 2010, when he refused to leave the primary after former Sen. Arlen Specter switched parties; or, as Sestak claims, it might be because of his independence in choosing how to vote (which usually takes the form of hemming and hawing before voting like a conventional Democrat anyway).  Regardless, despite the endorsements of everyone from former Gov. Ed Rendell (her campaign chairman) to President Obama and Vice President Biden, Katie McGinty trails Joe Sestak in the polls.  There are two other candidates: John Fetterman, a former AmeriCorps volunteer who became mayor of Braddock, a hardscrabble, majority-black town outside Pittsburgh (you might remember him from this Levi’s commercial), and Joe Vodvarka, a perennial candidate from the Pittsburgh area who managed to get on the ballot by winning a court case this week.  Fetterman’s campaign is underfunded and trailing badly in the polls, but he’ll have a base of support as the only candidate from western Pennsylvania (both Sestak and McGinty are from suburban Philadelphia) and among liberal voters (he has endorsed Bernie Sanders).  His presence on the ballot probably helps McGinty by splitting the anti-establishment vote.
            Going into the general election, Pat Toomey’s odds of re-election are probably more than fifty percent.  He leads in the polls, he has a distinct fundraising advantage, and the Democrats will likely have a candidate the party establishment can’t stand or someone the party establishment had to drag across the finish line.  Still, Pennsylvania is never a state Republicans can take for granted, and the fact that this race could decide control of the Senate gives Democrats all the motivation they need. 

            

Sunday, April 24, 2016

You Have Two Cows: 2016 Edition

You’ve probably seen the meme that explains different political systems by saying what each would do to you if you had two cows. Here’s how the Presidential candidates stack up by that standard:
Hillary Clinton: You have two cows. Banks and corporations pay you $200,000 in speaking fees to hear them moo.
Ted Cruz: You have two cows. You bstock-photo-two-black-cows-grazing-in-australia-new-south-wales-184690811uy two bulls from Cuba and send them to Canada to have calves.
John Kasich: You have two cows. You exhibit them at the county fair and come in third. You claim this gives you momentum. 
Bernie Sanders: You have two cows. The government promises you free milk, but gives you artisanal Greek yogurt made by hipsters. You think about slaughtering the cows, but the government has broken up Burger King and McDonald’s, so there’s no market for beef.
Donald Trump: You have two cows. You hear that the Chinese have three cows, which makes you upset, so you try to force the Mexicans to buy you a bull.
For third party/dark horse options:
Gary Johnson: You have two cows. You smoke legal weed and get the munchies, so you buy a gun without a background check to slaughter them. 
James Mattis: I come in peace. I didn't bring ketchup and mustard.  But I am pleading with you with tears in my eyes: if you **** with me, I’ll grind you into a hamburger.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Willie Nelson Moves to Ohio

CLEVELAND- Famed country musician Willie Nelson purchased a house in Cleveland on the day of the funeral of his friend and partner, Merle Haggard, according to a well-placed source in the country music business.  The source elaborated that Nelson would be living in an inexpensive hotel in the area until the deal was finalized, but that nobody knew where Nelson acquired the money to make the purchase.  The source then asked for prayers for both Haggard and Nelson, noting that Nelson “only did what he had to do, and now, he’s growing old”.


The Mexican Federal Police were unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Tom Wolf is Love

To celebrate our illustrious governor finally letting the state budget become law, I took some old Skeletor is Love slogans and posted them on pictures of him.  Release the rage and embrace the joy with Tom Wolf.

















Thursday, February 25, 2016

Obama Injures Leg Kicking Self, Expected to Recover

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

WASHINGTON- According to White House sources, President Barack Obama is expected to recover from a contusion to his left shin, which he sustained after repeatedly kicking himself for not waiting until the recent death of Justice Antonin Scalia to nominate the first female Hispanic Supreme Court justice.  

“We expect the President to recover completely, provided he limits the amount of walking he does and applies ice to the bruised area regularly,” said chief White House Physician Dr. Nick Riviera.  “He has a follow-up appointment in two weeks, and we expect him to be fully recovered by then.”

“Actually, our psychiatric team had to do the most work,” Riviera continued.  “The President was upset at himself for wasting a perfectly good identity-politics crusade on a seat that the Republicans wouldn’t put up a fight over, since [Justice Sonia] Sotomayor was replacing another liberal and they were in the minority.  We had to remind him that he had no way of knowing that a conservative justice would die suddenly during an election year.”

Riviera added that this posed a logistical challenge, as most White House psychiatrists work full-time in the offices of the Vice President and Secretary of State, and several were on loan to the Hillary Clinton campaign.


According to an unnamed source on the executive staff, the White House has continued functioning smoothly, with the President’s injury having little impact on operations.  The source then excused herself, saying she had to urgently compile a list of federal judges and prominent law professors who are gay or lesbian.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

A FAQ-lemore for Macklemore

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

Noted rapper and pretentious liberal Macklemore recently released a track called “White Privilege”.  You’d think such an exquisitely politically correct subject would please the social justice crowd, but since Macklemore is a white guy, and therefore cannot do anything right, his track is problematic.  Fortunately, the kind souls at Everyday Feminism have a list of questions for “allies” such as Macklemore to ask themselves before getting their social justice on.  Below, with the help of the best illustrations MS Paint can manage, I answer them.

Is This the Best Place for Me as an Ally?

If you are reading this and are Macklemore, you are most likely in Seattle.  No, Seattle is not the best place for you as an ally.

The best place for you, Macklemore, is aboard a rocket being launched straight into the sun.



Why are People Listening to Me?

Because you haven’t fired up the engine yet, silly.  How are you going to be launched into the sun if you don’t ignite the engine?

Am I Giving Credit Where it’s Due?

Yes, you should give a short speech thanking all the engineers and technicians who made your journey to the sun possible.

Am I Focusing on My Own Feelings Over the Struggles of People of Color?

It’s only natural.  After all, once the rocket takes off, your feelings will, in the most literal sense, be over the struggles of people of color.  Several miles over the struggles of people of color, in fact, and continually getting higher over the struggles of people of color (as well as everything else occurring on the surface of the Earth).



Is My Allyship About This One-Time Opportunity or Is It An Ongoing Process?

Why not both?  You will have a one-time opportunity as the intense heat and radiation of the sun overwhelms your rocket, and then the atoms that make up you, Macklemore, will become part of the sun’s ongoing process of combining hydrogen into helium in order to heat the solar system.


But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?  It is the east, and Macklemore is the sun!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Our Horrifying Canadian Future

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

As you all know, the great liberator of our time is the illustrious Donald Trump, who, in addition to liberating two women in Divorce Court, has taken it upon himself to prevent the rise of Canadian world domination in the form of Ted Cruz.
Trump fans are sharing this meme on Facebook, apparently seriously.  The skull-and-crossbones is a nice touch.
If Mr. Trump fails in his quest, what horrors await us? Perhaps classic dystopian literature can give us a glimpse…
Zed for Zamboni
“Kraft Dinner is a symbol, as is the act of eating it. Kraft Dinner is given power by people. Alone, Kraft Dinner is meaningless, but with enough ketchup, eating Kraft Dinner can change the world.”
19-Eh?-ty-4
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
HAM IS BACON
CURLING IS A SPORT
Polite New World
The world’s stable now. People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can’t get. They’re well off; they’re safe; they’re never hot; they’re not afraid of Quebec trying to break away again; they’re blissfully ignorant of inches and gallons; they’re plagued with no private health insurance companies; they’ve got no guns, or NFL teams, or large militaries to feel strongly about; they’re so conditioned that they practically can’t help behaving as they ought to behave. And if anything should go wrong, there’s Molson’s.

One Day in the Life of Ivan Mackenzievitch
But he was authorized to let off only two men in the morning. And there were already two names under the greenish glass on top of the desk- well, actually only one name, but it had to be in both English and French…
Wayne Gretzky Shrugged
“If you saw Atlas, the hoser who holds the Great White North on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his shoulder pads, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the power play aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world body-checked him-what would you tell him to do?”
“I . . . don’t know. What . . . could he do? What would you tell him?”
“To shrug.”
The Hockey Games: Mockingmoose
“Now the time has come for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honor of representing Province 12 in the 74th annual Hockey Game…Primmaple Evermetric. Where are you dear? Well, come on up…Well, come on up!”
“Prim! Prim!…No! I volunteer! I volunteer! I volunteer as enforcer!”
“I believe we have a volunteer.”
Watchmounties
Tim Rohrschachton’s Journal. Canadian Thanksgiving, 2019: Beaver carcass in alley this morning, snowmobile tread on burst stomach. This province is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of maple syrup and when the drains finally scab over, all the hosers will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and hockey will foam up about their waists and all the whores, politicians, and Justin Bieber will look up and shout “Save us!”…
…and I’ll whisper, “Sorry.”