A FAQ-lemore for Macklemore

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

Noted rapper and pretentious liberal Macklemore recently released a track called “White Privilege”.  You’d think such an exquisitely politically correct subject would please the social justice crowd, but since Macklemore is a white guy, and therefore cannot do anything right, his track is problematic.  Fortunately, the kind souls at Everyday Feminism have a list of questions for “allies” such as Macklemore to ask themselves before getting their social justice on.  Below, with the help of the best illustrations MS Paint can manage, I answer them.

Is This the Best Place for Me as an Ally?

If you are reading this and are Macklemore, you are most likely in Seattle.  No, Seattle is not the best place for you as an ally.

The best place for you, Macklemore, is aboard a rocket being launched straight into the sun.

Why are People Listening to Me?

Because you haven’t fired up the engine yet, silly.  How are you going to be launched into the sun if you don’t ignite the engine?

Am I Giving Credit Where it’s Due?

Yes, you should give a short speech thanking all the engineers and technicians who made your journey to the sun possible.

Am I Focusing on My Own Feelings Over the Struggles of People of Color?

It’s only natural.  After all, once the rocket takes off, your feelings will, in the most literal sense, be over the struggles of people of color.  Several miles over the struggles of people of color, in fact, and continually getting higher over the struggles of people of color (as well as everything else occurring on the surface of the Earth).

Is My Allyship About This One-Time Opportunity or Is It An Ongoing Process?

Why not both?  You will have a one-time opportunity as the intense heat and radiation of the sun overwhelms your rocket, and then the atoms that make up you, Macklemore, will become part of the sun’s ongoing process of combining hydrogen into helium in order to heat the solar system.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?  It is the east, and Macklemore is the sun!

Our Horrifying Canadian Future

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

As you all know, the great liberator of our time is the illustrious Donald Trump, who, in addition to liberating two women in Divorce Court, has taken it upon himself to prevent the rise of Canadian world domination in the form of Ted Cruz.

Trump fans are sharing this meme on Facebook, apparently seriously.  The skull-and-crossbones is a nice touch.

If Mr. Trump fails in his quest, what horrors await us? Perhaps classic dystopian literature can give us a glimpse…

Zed for Zamboni

“Kraft Dinner is a symbol, as is the act of eating it. Kraft Dinner is given power by people. Alone, Kraft Dinner is meaningless, but with enough ketchup, eating Kraft Dinner can change the world.”

19-Eh?-ty-4

WAR IS PEACE

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

HAM IS BACON

CURLING IS A SPORT

Polite New World

The world’s stable now. People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can’t get. They’re well off; they’re safe; they’re never hot; they’re not afraid of Quebec trying to break away again; they’re blissfully ignorant of inches and gallons; they’re plagued with no private health insurance companies; they’ve got no guns, or NFL teams, or large militaries to feel strongly about; they’re so conditioned that they practically can’t help behaving as they ought to behave. And if anything should go wrong, there’s Molson’s.

One Day in the Life of Ivan Mackenzievitch

But he was authorized to let off only two men in the morning. And there were already two names under the greenish glass on top of the desk- well, actually only one name, but it had to be in both English and French…

Wayne Gretzky Shrugged

“If you saw Atlas, the hoser who holds the Great White North on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his shoulder pads, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the power play aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world body-checked him-what would you tell him to do?”

“I . . . don’t know. What . . . could he do? What would you tell him?”

“To shrug.”

The Hockey Games: Mockingmoose

“Now the time has come for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honor of representing Province 12 in the 74th annual Hockey Game…Primmaple Evermetric. Where are you dear? Well, come on up…Well, come on up!”

“Prim! Prim!…No! I volunteer! I volunteer! I volunteer as enforcer!”

“I believe we have a volunteer.”

Watchmounties

Tim Rohrschachton’s Journal. Canadian Thanksgiving, 2019: Beaver carcass in alley this morning, snowmobile tread on burst stomach. This province is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of maple syrup and when the drains finally scab over, all the hosers will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and hockey will foam up about their waists and all the whores, politicians, and Justin Bieber will look up and shout “Save us!”…

…and I’ll whisper, “Sorry.”

The Primary Field, Part III: Paul-Trump

Rand Paul

Senator from Kentucky, hair care by lawnmower enthusiast

            Pro: Is related to, but not quite, his father.

            Con: Is related to, but not quite, his father.

            Initially, my concern with Rand Paul was that, seven years ago, he was an eye doctor in Bowling Green, Kentucky.  I have nothing against eye doctors or Bowling Green, Kentucky, but if I Rip Van Winkled my way through the next seven years and woke up to find that my eye doctor was the President of the United States, I would be weirded out.  However, by this year’s standards, Paul’s one term in the Senate makes him practically an elder statesman.

            (Seriously, I don’t mean any insult to my eye doctor.  I’ve been seeing him for years and my vision is oihd 0ijsoif dh id9sfi lodijg8d9gi) 

            I thought Rand Paul would be doing better in the polls than he is.  This is the man who not only made the phrase “libertarian political dynasty” something other than a hilarious (if obscure) oxymoron, he managed to win election as a Duke fan in Kentucky.  You don’t accomplish that without some serious political talent.

            The best description of Sen. Paul that I’ve heard was in a podcast from The Federalist: he is, both literally and figuratively, what you get when you cross Ron Paul with a normal person.  (By the way, Mrs. Paul, if you’re reading this: love the fish sticks.)  This might be at the root of his inability to get much traction in the polls: he’s not crazy enough for his father’s supporters, but more mainstream Republicans are still nervous.   If I were Senator Paul, I’d concentrate on developing a line of gold-based investment products and spending the rest of the race hawking those.  It’ll help him reconnect with his father’s supporters, win him the support of talk radio, and enhance his base in Kentucky by adding Fort Knox.

Marco Rubio

Senator from Florida, inexperienced yet charismatic Historic First­ ^TM

               Con: You could use the description above for Barack Obama.

            Pro: You could use the description above for John F. Kennedy.

            To be honest, if I had to make a choice right now, it would be Rubio.  I like his speaking ability, positions on the issues, and background, but I’m concerned about his relative lack of experience, and he’s a little more moderate than I’d like on immigration.

            By the way, am I the last moderate left on immigration?  I think we should do more to secure the border, but some people seem to think immigration is the only issue that could possibly matter (to the point of forgiving chasing little old ladies out oftheir homes and donating to Hillary Clinton if a candidate takes a sufficiently hard line on immigration).  One side of the debate seems to think we should throw open the borders until the entire population of Honduras lives in Lebanon, Pennsylvania, and anyone who disagrees is an irredeemable anti-Hispanic bigot; the other side seems to think that America is doomed unless we immediately build a wall with a moat (and preferably a force field zapping any trespassers to the planet Geexgack) along the southern border. 

            On second thought, maybe moving the entire population of Honduras to Lebanon isn’t such a bad idea.  Is Honduran food any good?  Lebanon could use some decent restaurants.

            Fun Fact: The Hispanic population is growing so fast that by the year 2037, I will be Hispanic.

           

Rick Santorum

Former senator from Pennsylvania, future patron saint of sweater vests

            Pro: Has crossed religious lines by somehow becoming the world’s first evangelical traditionalist Catholic.

            Con: Is from Pittsburgh, and therefore probably a Steelers fan.

            According to a Rick Santorum superfan of my acquaintance, Santorum will send me to the Horn of Africa if he’s elected, which would resolve the job situation I mentioned with Lindsey Graham.  So there’s that.

            Rick Santorum is the opposite of Adolf Hitler.  I don’t mean that in a good way.  What I mean is that, while Hitler took insane ideas and convinced his followers they were reasonable, Santorum takes reasonable ideas and convinces people they're insane.  Take last cycle's depressing birth-control debate.  Sen. Santorum doesn't believe employers should be force to buy birth control for their employees, which I agree with (in fact, I think the idea of getting health insurance through your employer is silly, but that's another rant), but went on to say, "One of the things I will talk about that no President has talked about before is I think the dangers of contraception in this country".  Now, you could probably have a fascinating discussion of all the social changes that have occurred since the introduction of "the pill", and whether on balance, it was a good thing for women, or for society in general.  When you're a politician, though, people will interpret that as wanting to ban birth control- and that genie ain't going back in that lamp.

            Santorum should stick to the long game he's been playing brilliantly: having so many kids that they become a major voting bloc.

            Depressing Fact: Of all the candidates in this year’s primary, only one has won an election in a blue or purple state in a Presidential election year.

            Even More Depressing Fact: That candidate is Rick Santorum.

Sweet Meteor of Death

Internet meme

            Pro: Would end all the world’s problems.

            Con: Would end human life as we know it.

            The Sweet Meteor of Death first attracted interest during the 2012 primaries, when it became apparent that the only alternatives to Mitt Freaking Romney were Newt Freaking Gingrich and Rick Freaking Santorum.  SMOD is back, now complete with a Twitter account and debates over his candidacy in National Review.  

            The verdict?  Tempting.  I'm still holding out hope that Marco Rubio will win over the base, or that Ted Cruz will win over anyone outside the base, or that Ben Carson or Carly Fiorina will make up for their lack of political experience, or that Chris Christie will rise above four percent- but I can imagine this race reaching the point where an asteroid impact would look attractive.  (For one thing, SMOD is the only candidate who has demonstrated a willingness to get tough on Putin.)  Which brings us to...

Donald Trump

Pro wrestling personality, divorce aficionado

              Pro: Would be wildly entertaining if elected.

            Con: Would actually hold power if elected.

            Donald Trump was once described (aptly, in my opinion) as a hobo's idea of what a rich person would be like.  Now, he's running for President as a liberal's idea of what a conservative would be like- and enough people are angry enough at the political process to launch him to the top of the polls (albeit with only 25-30% of the vote) despite his previous donations to Democrats, support of socialized medicine, and being pro-choice and pro-gun control until it became inconvenient. 

            The recent flap with Mr. Trump and the disabled New York Times reporter is the Trump campaign in miniature.  Trump mocked an establishment institution that richly deserves mockery, but in a way that calls far more attention to what a horse's rear end he is than the real reasons the establishment needs to be held accountable.  With the Middle East once again exploding, a sluggish economy papered over by writing people out of the job market, and Hillary Clinton waltzing to the Democratic nomination as if the party's need to write a storybook ending to the 2008 campaign was the most pressing issue, there's plenty of room for an anti-establishment candidate, but I don't think Trump is it.

            I hope the base eventually realizes they would be better served with a candidate who wasn't a New York liberal the day before yesterday.  More importantly, I hope the establishment realizes that just because a sick man goes to a snake-oil salesman doesn't mean he isn't sick.

The Primary Field, Part II: Gilmore-Pataki

Jim Gilmore

Former governor of Virginia, cypher

            Pro: I can’t think of any cons.

            Con: I can’t think of any pros.

  

          Jim Gilmore was actually a thing once- he managed to win one election as governor of Virginia, back in 1997.  (Virginia elects its governors in odd-numbered years, and only lets them run for one term.  Virginia is weird.)  His own state promptly forgot about him, as he lost a Senate race by a 2-1 margin in 2008. 

            Now, he’s running for President for some reason.  My best guess is that visiting all fifty states is on his bucket list and Iowa is the last one he needs.  Since running for President is the only reason to visit Iowa (at least New Hampshire has skiing, leaves, and Mount Washington), he took the plunge and launched a Presidential campaign based on YOLO. 

You do you, Jimmy G.  You do you. 

Lindsey Graham

Senator from South Carolina, John McCain fanboy

            Con: Would have us at war with Mozambique in a week after his inauguration.

            Pro: Let’s be honest, Mozambique needs to be taken down a peg.

            I’m excited about Lindsey Graham for purely selfish reasons.  I’m in my state’s National Guard (My opinions are strictly my own, and not those of the National Guard, a point that I'm going to repeat several times), but I'm looking for a full-time job right now, which is why I can waste so much time with this thing. Senator Graham is a noted war hawk- he once advocated going to war with Congress, while he was an actual member of Congress.  Since war would give me a full-time job (hey, I told you it was selfish), Graham’s got my vote…

            …or at least he would, if he weren’t going to drop out of the race a week before the South Carolina primary and throw his support to secure the post of Secretary of Defense in the Carson or Rubio Administration.  (That's strictly my speculation, of course.  The National Guard doesn't think Sen. Graham has any interest in a Cabinet role.)  Still, Graham has had the best 2015 of any Republican Presidential candidate.  Sure, he’s at one percent in the polls, but thanks to a recent Supreme Court decision, he and John McCain can finally get married.

            Fun Fact: When Graham was first elected to the Senate in 2002, his opponent ran an ad promising to “go to Washington and take aim”…right before the Washington sniper shootings.  Oops.

(The National Guard didn't think that fact was fun at all.)

Mike Huckabee

Former governor of Arkansas, professional good-ole-boy

            Pro: Is a Baptist minister, so probably has a difference stance on adultery from the last Arkansan President.

            Con: If elected, there would be a deluge of annoying “I heart Huckabee” jokes.

            Mike Huckabee’s biggest move so far came after Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to marry gay couples, was briefly jailed for contempt of court.  Huckabee appeared as Davis’s warmup act, introducing her as she walked out to “Eye of the Tiger”.  I don’t see the problem here.  Whatever you think of gay marriage, you have to admit- if you’re a true red-blooded American, and you have a chance to walk out to “Eye of the Tiger” for any reason, you walk out to “Eye of the Tiger”.

            The National Guard has always thought "Eye of the Tiger" is kind of overrated, to be honest.

            Apparently, entitlement programs are going bankrupt.  I don’t pay much attention to this, since with my financial situation, I’m on the Pope Benedict retirement plan (work until age 85, get replaced by a guy from South America).  Don’t worry, though, Mike Huckabee has a plan- a simple solution, really: all we need to do is find the cure for cancer, and we’re set.

            Huckabee may be taking a hard line on gay rights, but apparently he’s embracing gambling.

John Kasich

Governor of Ohio, overgrown rage bunny

            Pro: Has the record and experience to present himself as a more conservative version of Jeb!

            Con: Inexplicably, has chosen to present himself as a more liberal version of Jeb!

            The reference is to former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, who entered the 2012 GOP primaries as a moderate Mormon technocratic governor with business experience, only to find out that the field already had one of those.  So, in a move that can only be explained by some Chinese mind-control trick when he was our Ambassador in Beijing, Huntsman decided the way to win over the Republican base was to become the media's favorite Republican. 
             Kasich, following in his footsteps without the excuse of spending several years in a Communist country, made quite a splash in the most recent Republican debate by yelling at the other candidates to take more moderate stances, such as supporting the Wall Street bailout.  Defending the Wall Street bailout is about as popular with Republican primary voters as defending ISIS (no, not that ISIS, the other one), so Kasich's campaign is having about as much success right now as another Ohio institution.

             (The National Guard, for its part, just can't even with this post.)

George Pataki

Former governor of New York, onetime syndicated host of “Wake Up, Poughkeepsie!”

            Pro: A candidate whose time has come.

            Con: A candidate whose time has also gone.

            George Pataki won an upset election as the Republican governor of a large blue state, then gradually became more liberal than many Democrats.  In other words, he’s a more boring version of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

            The National Guard, of course, thinks a three-term governor of New York is much more interesting than a movie star with a funny accent.  At any rate, Pataki is one of five candidates in this race (the others being Jeb!, Gilmore, Huckabee, and Santorum) who haven't won an election since I graduated from high school.  Gilmore, ever the overachiever, hasn't won an election since I was in elementary school.  For some candidates, the 2016 race seems to be what Branson, Missouri, was for the Simpsons: a way to remind people you're still alive.