A History of Protest Product Placements

 

The recent pro-Trump "Jericho March" in Washington was derided in some circles for its advertising of MyPillow, complete with a promo code being given out during the event.  However, product placements have a tendency to crop up at key moments throughout history, starting with what might be called the original Jericho March:

Jericho, 1400 BC:

Rahab: "Now therefore, I beg you, swear to me by the Lord, since I have shown you kindness, that you also will show kindness to my father’s house, and give me a true token, and spare my father, my mother, my brothers, my sisters, and all that they have, and deliver our lives from death.”

Israelite spies: “Our lives for yours, if none of you tell this business of ours. And it shall be, when the Lord has given us the land, that we will deal kindly and truly with you, especially our friends at Jordan Valley Community College.  Whether you're looking to take the next step in your career, enter an exciting new field like goat herding or frankincense trading, or narrowly escaping Divine wrath being poured out on your city, JVCC offers the degrees you need to get ahead in the fast-paced fourteenth century B.C.  Lord knows the market for prostitutes in Canaan has been booming recently (literally, the Lord knows that; that's why we're here), but you never know..."

Rome, 67 AD:

St. Paul: "I was brought before you by the prompting of the Holy Spirit- and by the good folks at Rufus Punctilius Lugubrius travel agency.  Whether you're looking to experience the bustling city life of Corinth or Antioch, or for a quiet escape to the beaches of Illyria or Crete, leave your next vacation, business trip, or missionary journey to RPL.  They don't fiddle around..."

Nero: (scowls)

St. Paul: "Should I not have mentioned fiddling?"

Richmond, Va., 1775:

Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty, or give me death!  But you're still free to choose deals to die for at McClanahan's, Virginia's first name in pewter since 1717- now offering fifty percent off all flagons, porringers, and tankards!  Conveniently located in Alexandria, Richmond, Williamsburg, and now Yorktown!  Present a scrap of parchment with the code PATRICK for special buy-two-get-two-free deals on candlesticks and access to my signature line of teapots."

Berlin, 1987: 

Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, come to this gate.

"Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate.

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall and replace it with a stylish patio from Von Jaegermeister Home Landscaping.  You might think such features as a gazebo, a koi pond, or a Zen garden are outside your price range, but with Von Jaegermeister, becoming the talk of your neighborhood or geopolitical bloc is closer than you think.  Schedule your free consultation today, and don't forget to use code EVILEMPIRE for ten percent off all seeding purchases!"

Fifteenth-Century Conspiracy Theories

(The following is apparently one of the earliest printed materials in English.  It is undated, but from the events it refers to, it appears to be from the 1490s.  Despite being over five hundred years old, it is surprisingly relevant to modern issues.)

I. On ye FRAUDE purported by ye KINGE of SPAYNE and ye LIES of "Christopher-Columbusse", ye KNAVE of Genoa in ye employe thereof.

Whereas "Christopher-Columbusse", a supposed Sea-Captaine in ye employe of ye Kinge of Spayne, hath endeavored to reache ye INDIES, by sailing westerly from the land of Spayne.  But it is impossible to sail unto the Indies thereby, for ye EARTHE is FLATTE.  Had ye "Captaine" traveled as far as he claimeth, he obvious-wise would have fallen offe ye Edge.  Ye Flatte-Nesse of ye Earthe can be shown by divers Proofs, most persuasive of which is that I believe it to be Flatte, for it maketh me feel Smartte, and leadeth me to call they that disagree Globe-Tardes.  If ye Earthe were not Flatte, I would be a mere Knave, who speaketh out of my Hind-Quarters about that which I know not, and that cannot be: therefore ye Earthe is Flatte.  

Here the Simpleton sayeth, "Hath not Captaine Columbusse brought back 'Indians', who dwelleth in the Indies which he hath reached, and are they not of most extraordinary appearance, as is not seen in all Europe?"  Thou fool.  It is obviousse that said supposed Indians are mere Crisis-Actors recruited fromme ye less reputable Neighbor-Hoodes of Madrid.   Do they not have the same swarthy appearance as the supposed Moors, who ye knavish Kinge of Spayne hath claimed to drive out of Granada even unto Africa?  And have they not the same appearance as the Turke, whom ye Byzantines claim hath attacked CONSTANTINOPLE, an obviousse Inside-Jobbe? 

II. On ye "House of Tudor" and ye COLLUSION with RUSSIA.

I have divers Proofs that ye "House of Tudor", which hath attained ye Throne of Englande in ye late Wars of ye Roses, by the defeat of ye late Kinge Richard ye Third, hath attained their supposed Victory by means of divers Collusions with YVAN YE TERRIBLE, Tyrante of Muscovy, who...

(Sadly, the pamphleteer was unable to finish before being hanged, drawn, and quartered, and the pamphlet was lost to history until recently.)

Great Moments in Democratic Rhetorical History

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

In the matter of Rep. Ilhan Omar, the House Democrats have been criticized for watering down their resolution about her anti-Semitic remarks into a more general condemnation of bigotry, but as you’ll see, that tactic has quite a long history…

Luke 15, House Democratic Standard Version

13 And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with…well, “riotous” is probably too strong a word, but it wasn’t good.
14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.
15 And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.
16 And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.
17 And when he came to himself, he said, “How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, for he hath #FoughtFor15, and I perish with hunger!
18 “I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, ‘Father, there has been a lot of sinning against heaven, and before thee, what with the homophobia and the Islamophobia and the transphobia and the anti-Korean sentiment, and I don’t think it would be productive to single anyone out, but there has also been some, shall we say, prodigal spending of your money lately…

July 4, 1776

Let’s be blunt, the world’s kings haven’t exactly been on a winning streak with the inalienable rights lately. Louis XIV was a megalomaniac, and whichever Louis we’re up to this week isn’t much better. The king of Spain has been absolutely brutal in South America. Europe is full of minor kingdoms and duchies, from Lithuania to Tuscany to Frangelico-on-Wienerschnitzel, and if they’re not burning witches, they’re throwing pamphleteers in prison or putting Anabaptists in the stocks. Don’t even get us started on the Czar.
Oh, and we have some problems with King George III. Now, “declaration” is a strong word…

June 4, 1940

At any rate, a lot of different countries- no need to get into specifics just yet- would defend to the death their native soil, aiding each other like good comrades, if the Nazis decided to invade. We doubt they’d get too far if they decided to invade the United States, for instance. Sure, Hitler’s all buddy-buddy with Stalin now, but if he turns on him and invades Russia, I’m sure he’d have a fight on his hands.* Heck, even some of the South American republics would be a lot for him to handle, what with the jungles and the malaria and whatnot. Which brings me to England. As I said, I don’t want to get into details or pigeonhole myself, but I’m thinking something along the lines of blood, toil, and tears, maybe sweat too.
*Spoiler alert!

July 20, 1969: In Event of Moon Disaster

Isn’t it remarkable how many celestial bodies don’t have living human beings on them? Mercury is about eight hundred degrees on a good day, and Venus is covered in boiling sulfuric acid, so they’re ruled out. Other than Mars, the other planets are just gas, so there’s not even a place to land. There might be planets around other stars, but some of them might be transphobic. There are thousands of asteroids and comets, but they’re all too small for life.
So, while we’re on the subject of lifeless bodies in space…