Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Celebrity Family Feud: Stanley Cup Edition

(Cross-posted at Ricochet.)

(The idea from this came from a Saturday Night Live skit.)
STEVE HARVEY: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Stanley Cup Edition! Our producers spent three hours this morning explaining to me what hockey is, so we’re committed to putting on a great show for you today. We have four celebrities from Pittsburgh taking on four celebrities from Nashville. On the Pittsburgh side, we have columnist Salena Zito-
SALENA ZITO (holding a pen and paper): So, do you believe you’re losing a grip on your place here?
HARVEY: Excuse me? I’m the host of this show. I work here. They even kept me after that flub with Miss Colombia.
ZITO (putting paper away): Sorry, I’m not used to talking to people who actually have jobs.
HARVEY: We have Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger-
BEN ROETHLISBERGER: It’s funny because she talks to people in the Rust Belt a lot.
HARVEY: -Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby-
(SIDNEY CROSBY grins, showing six missing teeth)
HARVEY: -and famed artist Andy Warhol. Andy, I thought you were dead.
ANDY WARHOL: I died in 1987. I am a zombie.
HARVEY: Really? You don’t look any different from how you did when you were alive. On the Nashville side, we have former vice president Al Gore-
AL GORE: I’m so glad to be representing a community that would never turn its back on its- 0h, right.
HARVEY: Sixteen years, and you’re still not over that. We have the legendary Dolly Parton-
(DOLLY PARTON winks suggestively at Harvey.)
HARVEY: I can’t believe I still think that’s hot. We have NFL quarterback Peyton Manning-
MANNING: I’m so proud to be here on behalf of my home state of Louisessee-Indyrado.
HARVEY: -and country singer Toby Keith.
TOBY KEITH: How do you like me now?
HARVEY: I like you just fi-
KEITH: You ain’t much fun.
HARVEY: Do you only speak in song or album titles?
KEITH: That don’t make me a bad guy.
HARVEY: All right then. Salena! Al! Let’s play the Feud! Top five answers on the board- name an excuse you would give your dentist if he found out you hadn’t flossed in five months. (Gore buzzes in.) Al Gore?
GORE: Really? Because I sighed in a debate? You were mad at Bill Clinton over Lewinsky? You don’t think I’m-
HARVEY: Show me Monica Lewinsky! (Buzzer) I am so glad I don’t have to talk about her in the context of anything mouth related. Salena?
ZITO: I find it interesting that frustration with the political class has spread to members of the political class itself.
HARVEY: Show me the political class! Number one answer, forty points! Man, those guys get blamed for everything! The Penguins fans have the board. Ben Roethlisberger, name an excuse you would give your dentist- Ben, what are you doing?
ROETHLISBERGER (attempting to floss with handheld microphone): You said to floss. 
HARVEY: I didn’t- I-
ZITO: I think this goes to show just how widespread the opioid epidemic has become, when-
ROETHLISBERGER: I’m not on opiates.
ZITO: You’re not?
ROETHLISBERGER: I had a couple bottles of Henry’s Hard Grape Soda, but that’s fruity so it doesn’t count. (Buzzer)
HARVEY: Sidney Crosby, name an excuse you would give your dentist for not flossing- what are you doing? (CROSBY has flopped and is lying on the floor. Buzzer.) Andy Warhol, name an excuse you would give your dentist if he- what?!? (WARHOL has painted a series of dental floss containers in psychedelic colors. Buzzer.) Well, that was interesting. 
HARVEY: Next question. Dolly! Ben! Did you notice how I didn’t make a pun on the musical “Hello, Dolly!” there, even though it would be really obvious? Let’s play the Feud! Top five answers on the board. Name a European capital city where it would be really inconvenient to sprain your- Ben?
(ROETHLISBERGER is staring at PARTON. Three guesses where.)
HARVEY: Ben, I’m over here.
MANNING: How does that guy have more Super Bowl rings than me?
HARVEY: The people in my ear are telling me I need to cut to a commercial break. I believe the term “euthanize” was used. When we get back, I’m just going to ditch the rest of this show and have Toby sing something.

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