Monday, November 2, 2015

Tom Wolf Calls for Tax on Runaway Blimps

HARRISBURG- The state budget negotiations were thrown into chaos once again this morning as Gov. Tom Wolf (D) called for a tax on runaway blimps entering Pennsylvania airspace.  

"We cannot let out-of-state interests fly their blimps over Pennsylvania without asking them to pay for the damage they cause," explained Wolf spokeswoman Gabriele Kerner during a press conference.  The press conference was originally called to explain why Wolf vetoed a $45 million stopgap measure to keep little old ladies from spontaneously combusting for the next three months.  Kerner added that the Wolf administration was looking at imposing a tax on jokes and memes related to any unattended blimps in state airspace.  "With our schools and infrastructure woefully underfunded, we cannot afford to let the comedy industry exploit Pennsylvania's resources for free.

Conservative members of the legislature are already blasting the idea.  "Runaway blimp humor is a new and promising opportunity for our state's economy," said state Sen. Scott Wagner (R-York).  "It's ridiculous that, just as this industry is breaking free from its constraints and getting up off the ground, the Wolf administration is looking to deflate it with a new tax.  This is just another example of the Wolf administration's liberal ideology blinding them to the needs of Pennsylvania's business community.  Sure, to an outside observer, the blimp industry may seem to just be floating along, but sometimes it's hard out there for a blimp."

A spokesman for the General Assembly's leadership refused to commit to supporting or opposing the blimp tax proposal until legislators have more time to review it.  This week, the legislature is expected to take up a number of temporary funding measures for popular state spending such as schools, hospitals, the cool side of pillows, the Phillie Phanatic, puppies, bunnies, sending attractive female state employees to go around randomly hugging veterans, baseball, motherhood, apple pie, and Christmas.  Governor Wolf has pledged to veto all of them.

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