Friday, November 20, 2015

The Primary Field, Part I: Bush-Fiorina

Since nobody asked for it, my thoughts on the Republican Presidential field:

Jeb! Bush

Former governor of Florida, little brother, punctuation enthusiast
            Pro: He was actually a decent governor of Florida.

            Con: Um, well, you know…

            Pick your metaphor: New Coke, the Arch Deluxe, the Star Wars prequels, Facebook back when it changed its format every other week.  Jeb! Bush is the hot new version of a well-known franchise that consultants and marketers are sure the public will love right up until the public actually encounters it.
            It’s just a shame that, after Jeb! finishes fourth in Iowa and drops out, George W. will spend the rest of 2016 giving him purple nurples.  Poor old H.W. deserves better than that in his twilight years. 
            I was going to say that the Jeb! campaign isn’t accomplishing anything, but that isn’t right.  He has singlehandedly disproven every conspiracy theory.  Think about it: we’re supposed to believe the Illuminati/Freemasons/Jesuits/Zionists/Rotarians rigged (for example) the World Trade Center with explosives when they can’t even rig a poll to show Jeb! in double digits?

Ben Carson
Neurosurgeon, avant-garde Egyptologist
            Con: Has no prior experience in elected office.
            Pro: Has no prior experience in elected office.

            The big controversy with Ben Carson is that he apparently thinks Joseph (from the Bible (no, not that Joseph from the Bible, the other one)) built the pyramids to store grain, and this proves he’s a crazed religious zealot or something.  To be honest, I’ve lost most of my sensitivity to weird beliefs of political candidates after the last election, which featured a guy who believes some dude in upstate New York 200 years ago found golden tablets that contained new books of the Bible and a guy who believes the federal government must spend hundreds of billions of dollars more than it takes in or we’re in for another Great Depression.  I find both beliefs odd, but I ended up voting for the golden tablets guy because my theoretical kids won’t have to pay for his odd belief.         
            Besides, Ben Carson is just so likable.  He could give a speech tomorrow about the need to throw Philadelphia Eagles fans into concentration camps, and it would sound comforting, reasonable, and sensible.
            (Seriously, Mormons…upstate New York?!)

Chris Christie
Governor of New Jersey, Kool-Aid Man impersonator
            Con: Is a loudmouth bully from New Jersey.
            Pro: Washington could use some bullying right about now.

            I don’t care about Bridgegate.  Seriously, have you ever been on the George Washington Bridge?  It’s always backed up.  It would be like if Tom Wolf got angry at Lancaster County and caused a traffic jam on Route 30 east.  Who would even notice?
            No, what I care about with Chris Christie is the fact that he, on live television, hugged- literally, embraced!- a man who is dedicated to the destruction of all we hold dear.  A man who is blatantly undermining Western civilization’s most beloved institutions with the help of his brainwashed followers and a compliant media.  If we want to save everything that is best about our country, we must oppose this man at every opportunity.  I refer, of course, to Jerry Jones:

I think he also met once or twice with Obama after Hurricane Sandy.

Ted Cruz
Senator from Texas, possible Canadian spy
            Pro: Would excite the conservative base.
            Con: Would not excite anyone else.

If we were electing a president of Conservative Land, this would be the guy to go with.  He's made a career out of being more purely conservative than the Republican leadership (not that being more purely conservative than them is especially difficult).  The problem is that he's trying to convince voters that he's the purest conservative, when a majority of the voters in the general election aren't yet convinced that conservatism is a good thing.  They elected Barack Obama twice, after all.  

Besides which, Ohio is probably going to be a crucial state again.  If the career of Johnny Manziel is any indication, Texans with a healthy sense of self-regard aren't too popular there.

Fun Fact: I worked in Pat Toomey's office during the Cruz-led Obamacare defunding brouhaha in the fall of 2013.  We got a number of phone calls on the subject.  Some were from people who weren't quite sure of Sen. Cruz's name, so they urged Sen. Toomey to "stand with Tom Cruise!"

I assure everyone that Pat Toomey is not a Scientologist.

Carly Fiorina
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO, producer of senatorial-themed short horror films
            Con: Was rejected by the voters of California when she ran for the Senate.
            Pro: Have you seen the types of politicians the voters of California pick?  Would you really want someone they didn’t reject?

            Carly Fiorina has passed the first test of any tech CEO, which is that I don’t have enough bad memories of Hewlett-Packard products not working to wish an infestation of fire ants in her underwear drawer.   (If Michael Dell ever runs for President, he doesn’t have a chance with me.)  In fact, there’s one thing Carly could do that would guarantee my vote for her.
            Watch that video clip, and imagine it being used in this election.  Two words: TRUMP BLIMP- and in the general election: HILLARY BLIMP.
            It’s what I need.
            It’s what you need.

            It’s what America needs.

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