DISCLAIMER: I am not aware of any scientific
evidence that multicultural holiday coincidences can cause heads to explode,
and I completely condemn any violence or threats of violence against the
President. Also, all speculation about
the gender or sexuality of actual or potential Presidential candidates is
purely satirical.
I do, however, stand by the assertion that Notre
Dame football fans are annoying.
 |
The White House, May 5, 2019 (colorized) |
(Cross-posted on Ricochet)
The year 2019 will be remembered for the tragic demise of President Donald Trump, whose head exploded in May when the first day of Ramadan fell on Cinco de Mayo. At the time, Washington was anticipating the rollout of the Mueller investigation findings, which were scheduled to be announced on the Jimmy Kimmel show during sweeps week, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi was attempting to keep talk of impeachment under control by grimacing whenever the subject was brought up in her presence.
The year 2019 will be remembered for the tragic demise of President Donald Trump, whose head exploded in May when the first day of Ramadan fell on Cinco de Mayo. At the time, Washington was anticipating the rollout of the Mueller investigation findings, which were scheduled to be announced on the Jimmy Kimmel show during sweeps week, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi was attempting to keep talk of impeachment under control by grimacing whenever the subject was brought up in her presence.
President Mike Pence took office benefitting from public
sympathy due to the tragic circumstances of his rise, but inherited an economy
that seemed about to head into a recession.
It didn’t help matters when, during what the papers took to calling
“Ramagone” or “Cinco de Bye-O”, President Trump’s hair landed in the Potomac,
flooding the new Amazon site in Crystal City, Virginia, and forcing Amazon to
revise its earnings estimate downward. By
the end of June, the Dow Jones was down three percent for the year. This inspired Pence, the first Hoosier
President since 1893, to give a rousing halftime speech to the markets in the
Wall Street locker room and order his economic team to switch from a 2-3 zone
to a man-to-man defense, sparking a rally that has brought the Dow close to the
28,000 mark. At year’s end, Pence and
Vice President Nikki Haley (Pence’s initial choice was Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, but he
backed down after realizing nobody could pronounce “Mnuchin”) have a modest but
steady lead in the polls to win a term in their own right next year.
The race for the Democratic nomination seemed hopelessly
muddled after the initial frontrunner, former Vice President Joe Biden, had to
drop out after a #MeToo scandal with then-Sen. Amy Klobuchar (surprisingly,
Klobuchar was the instigator). During
the early part of the year, Robert Mueller, Colin Kaepernick, Kathy Griffin, Ruth
Bader Ginsberg, “Whatsername”, and Gritty
(the Philadelphia Flyers mascot) all led in polls at some point. In September, New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker came
out of the closet and jumped to the lead in every poll. He seemed set to sweep the primaries until
Beto (as she was then known) O’Rourke announced the first week of November that
she was transitioning to live as a woman and wished to be called “Beta”. Then, resolving a feud that had dogged the
Democrats since the beginning of the year, Beta O’Rourke and Bernie Sanders
announced they were engaged and seeking to have a co-presidency. The press inevitably called the new power
couple “Berta”. The race is now largely
between Booker and Berta, although some pollsters believe Gritty is in a good
position in the Super Tuesday states.
Internationally, the year will be remembered for the
partial resolution of crises rocking the Middle East and Europe. By the spring, the antics of then-Saudi Crown
Prince Muhammad bin Salman were even alienating supporters such as President
Trump, who (shortly before passing to the Great Trump Tower in the Sky) tweeted
that the United States was ready to pivot to Jordan as its closest Arab ally,
adding that he was impressed with Jordan’s adroit diplomacy in handling Dennis
Rodman. MBS was pushed out in August
using allegations of an inappropriate relationship with a scorpion as a pretext
and replaced with his cousin, Salman bin Muhammad. SBM then announced a plan to transition Saudi
Arabia to democracy by incorporating every Saudi citizen into the royal family
by 2035. The American pullout from the
former nation of Syria did not destabilize the region as much as feared, although
concerns that Turkey was gaining too much influence in the country only
increased when it was renamed “Stuffing” the week before Thanksgiving. An Israeli offensive against Lebanese
Hezbollah stalled after the Israelis invaded Lebanon, New Hampshire, by mistake
and began leading in New Hampshire primary polls.
In Europe, negotiations over Brexit stalled after the
governments of both Angela Merkel and Theresa May lost votes of confidence and
collapsed. Germany is now under an
interim caretaker government consisting entirely of middle-aged blond men in
large glasses and mustaches named “Gunther”, which agreed to give Queen
Elizabeth the right to veto any EU regulations in Britain by declaring them to
be “bollocks on stilts” until a permanent Brexit agreement can be reached. Britain also agreed to the free movement of
people and goods across its border with the Republic of Ireland in exchange for
the Irish admitting in writing that Notre Dame football fans are annoying. The replacement of May with Prime Minister
Boris Johnson fueled speculation that the
worldwide populist movement was really about elevating leaders with
unkempt blond hair, which only grew after Angela Merkel purchased a Van de Graaff generator, sparking talk she is plotting a comeback.
China was unusually quiet, but by the end of the year,
elements within the Chinese government were suggesting that it could claim any
land within 500 feet of a Chinese restaurant as sovereign territory.
2019 was an eventful year for sports and entertainment, beginning
with Super Bowl LIII, which the Los Angeles Rams won over the Kansas City
Chiefs after Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, while attempting to pass in
midair, sprouted wings and flew away. In
movies, Christian Bale won the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Dick
Cheney in Vice, leading to Cheney
briefly leading in Democratic primary polls, which in turn led to speculation
that polls are being answered sarcastically.
Avengers: Endgame came out,
revealing (SPOILER ALERT!) that the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe was the
fever dream of a deaf-mute Belgian art student who, while attempting to
hitchhike to Los Angeles, had eaten gas-station sushi in Kentucky. The Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship
again, after which Steph Curry announced he was retiring from basketball to run
for President. He led in the polls until
Michigan Sen. Gary Peters, in a debate, asked him why he doesn’t call himself
“Steve” like a normal Stephen.
The media event of the year may be the surprising
emergence of former House Speaker Paul Ryan as one of the nation’s most beloved
TV personalities. It began after Sean
Hannity entered a monastery after President Trump's memorial service, leading Fox News to
reshuffle its lineup, which ended with Ryan hosing “Fox and Friends”. The other highlight is the revival of The Weekly Standard, which went out of
business in late 2018 and seemed permanently doomed after its founder, Bill
Kristol, turned out to be three marmosets stacked on top of each other wearing
a suit. However, at year’s end, former
first lady Melania Trump had bought the rights to relaunch the magazine, which
she is expected to use as a springboard to run for governor of New York in
2022.
