You’ve probably seen the meme that explains different political systems by saying what each would do to you if you had two cows. Here’s how the Presidential candidates stack up by that standard:
Hillary Clinton: You have two cows. Banks and corporations pay you $200,000 in speaking fees to hear them moo.
Ted Cruz: You have two cows. You buy two bulls from Cuba and send them to Canada to have calves.
John Kasich: You have two cows. You exhibit them at the county fair and come in third. You claim this gives you momentum.
Bernie Sanders: You have two cows. The government promises you free milk, but gives you artisanal Greek yogurt made by hipsters. You think about slaughtering the cows, but the government has broken up Burger King and McDonald’s, so there’s no market for beef.
Donald Trump: You have two cows. You hear that the Chinese have three cows, which makes you upset, so you try to force the Mexicans to buy you a bull.
For third party/dark horse options:
Gary Johnson: You have two cows. You smoke legal weed and get the munchies, so you buy a gun without a background check to slaughter them.
James Mattis: I come in peace. I didn't bring ketchup and mustard. But I am pleading with you with tears in my eyes: if you **** with me, I’ll grind you into a hamburger.