Friday, April 17, 2015

Dispatch from Next Year's Convention

(Cross-posted at Ricochet)

I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands. 
PHILADELPHIA, July 25, 2016- 
JD: There seems to be quite of a bit of excitement heading into the convention this week. 
DNC Spokesman: As we did eight years ago, Democrats are poised to break the glass ceiling yet again. We are on the cusp of a moment many of us thought we’d never see in our lifetimes- but just like eight years ago when President Obama took office, history will be made next January when John Edwards becomes our first openly gay President. 
JD: Yes, let’s talk about that. I think it’s safe to say that last spring, when Hillary Clinton was the frontrunner, few would have predicted this turn of events. 
DNC spokesman: We will always appreciate Hillary Clinton’s service to this country as First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State. 
JD: But certainly you have a comment on her emails which were released last November?
DNC spokesman: The primary voters made their decision, and we are committed to making Senator Edwards the next President of the United States.
JD: You don’t even have a reaction about the fact that those emails revealed that Sen. Bernie Sanders was spying for the Russians, forcing him to defect to Moscow shortly after winning the New Hampshire primary?
DNC spokesman: I’m not here to talk about the past.
JD: Well, the special election for Sanders’s Senate seat has become heated. Do you have any comment?
DNC spokesman: Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield are two of Vermont’s most respected businessmen, and I think the fact that they’re both so well-qualified is part of the reason this is a difficult decision for voters. I’m confident whoever emerges from the primary will do great things as the next United States Senator from the great state of Vermont. 
JD: Fair enough. Recent polling shows that John Edwards will have an uphill climb against the Republican Rubio-Fiorina ticket. Senator Rubio is ahead in both his own state of Florida and Senator Edwards’s home state of North Carolina, and polls show dead heats in such Democratic-leaning states as Michigan and New Mexico. Do you think the scandals associated with Senator Edwards are having an effect on public opinion?
DNC spokesman: It’s unfortunate that the stress of living in the closet in our cis-tacular, hetero-riffic society led Senator Edwards to do some film producers- er, things he now regrets. But, you know, he’s out and proud now, and we’re focusing on the future and how Senator Edwards will build on the achievements of President Obama to lead our country into a new era.
JD: I’m pleased to be joined by a spokesman from the Republican National Committee. After two straight victories for President Obama, what does Marco Rubio have that might appeal to Obama voters?
RNC spokesman: Vowels.
JD: Good point. I note there have been some complications in the race to succeed Rubio in the Senate. Care to comment?
RNC spox: While we appreciate Colonel West’s passion for conservative principles and service to his country, and we understand that foreign policy is an emotional issue, particularly after the recent Russian invasion of Lithuania and nuclear test by Poland, biting your opponent’s head off in a debate is a complete violation of the decorum we expect from a United States Senator, and we were forced to ask him to step aside. Our thoughts and prayers are with Congressman Grayson’s family.
JD: Another key Senate race is right here in Pennsylvania. How do you plan to hold onto Pat Toomey’s seat? 
RNC spokesman: We’ve anticipated a closely-fought race for some time. Admiral Sestak is a strong candidate with a distinguished military record. However, we are confident that, after the voters of Pennsylvania have considered Senator Toomey’s positions on the issues that matter most and his record, they will reward him with a second term.
JD: And the Democratic view?
DNC spokesman: Nobody was more shocked than I was to learn of the tragic loss of Admiral Sestak. This is a loss not just for our party, but for all the people of Pennsylvania, and a reminder that pedestrian safety is an issue that affects all of us. 
JD: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
DNC spokesman: Wait, today’s Wednesday, right?
JD: No, it’s Monday.
DNC spokesman: Never mind.

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