I do not know how I received the following communication. I just got the second COVID shot, so maybe the 5G it implanted in me is more powerful than I thought, although I recall National Review received something similar after William F. Buckley Jr. passed away.
FR: New Arrivals/Orientation Dept.
TO: R. Limbaugh
CC: Mgmt/St. Peter
RE: Orientation Followup/Concerns
Mr. Limbaugh,
While we have certainly enjoyed your, shall we say, boisterous presence in the two months you have been here, there seem to be a few aspects of life here in the Great Beyond that need further clarification in your case. Please note that this memorandum is for explanatory purposes only.
- As was explained in your orientation, the resources available to Kingdom authorities are infinite, and there is thus no need to tax residents for such public services as street maintenance. Therefore, your criticism of paving the streets with gold, a longstanding policy of ours, as wasteful spending which will necessarily lead to tax increases is not valid. In addition, we remind you that St. Peter died almost 1,800 years before the Republican Party in the United States was established, and therefore was never a member of said party. In light of those facts, referring to him as a “Republican in Name Only” is dreadfully anachronistic. Please remember that we strive for accuracy here.
- We are in receipt of your “Limbaugh Letter”. We found your conversation with Alexis de Tocqueville quite enlightening, and, to be frank, publishing two pages’ worth of “stupid quotes” from various demons is an idea we wish we had thought of. However, the image on the back cover- Rev. Jesse Jackson with the caption “We’re Waiting”- is quite problematic and we trust you will be more discerning in the future.
- Also- regarding the “Limbaugh Letter”- as mentioned in item 1, resources here are infinite, both in terms of food and finances, so your idea to hold a “bake sale” so the prophet Daniel can afford a subscription to your newsletter is doubly unnecessary.
- While we do not have definitive proof, we believe you and Antonin Scalia are behind the recent “lasagna incident” involving former Sen. Arlen Specter. Sen. Specter is here on what is known on Earth as a “technicality”, and wishes to stay out of the limelight.
- In response to your previous inquiry, the form for renewing previous loans of talent is Form MTY-1430, a copy of which is attached. Simply fill out the appropriate parts of the form, return it, and you should receive a response within seven days.
- While the timetable for Paul Shanklin’s arrival here has not yet been determined, as a protective measure, we are arranging a dream for him in which he will be warned not to impersonate certain senior archangels too closely. Your conduct since arriving here has inspired this.
