(cross-posted at Ricochet)
PRESIDENTIAL DAILY SCHEDULE
JULY 17, 2018
(All times Eastern Daylight)
5:40 A.M. (Approximate) President Gary Johnson has dream in which he and a
talking alligator who is a member of the Chinese Politburo are in the swamps of
Louisiana (or possibly Mississippi) looking for Louis Armstrong’s “stash”. President Johnson then enters a building
whose interior resembles that of a Presbyterian church in Scottsdale, Arizona,
where he attended the wedding of a high school classmate in 1978, except
bigger, and sees a flower which causes him to have an indescribable feeling of
peace.
6:30 A.M. President
Johnson awakens.
8:00 A.M. President
Johnson receives daily briefing from National Security Advisor Edward
Snowden. NO PRESS. Per protocol, the contents of the briefing
will be published on the Wikileaks website no later than 11:oo A.M.
8:30 A.M. President
Johnson receives briefing on where all the places mentioned in the daily
briefing actually are.
8:45 A.M. Morning
Cabinet meeting, moderated by Chief of Staff Willie Nelson.
9:30 A.M. Press
availability. President Johnson will
discuss progress in the search for the National Register (as you know, the book
containing all the regulations imposed by the federal government has not been
seen since President Johnson used it as a stepstool to place a bust of Austrian
economist Ludwig von Mises on a high shelf in the Oval Office in February
2017). He will also give his comments on
the Dow Jones Industrial Average recently surpassing the 40,000 mark.
9:45 A.M. President
Johnson hails Uber car.
10:05 A.M. (Traffic Dependent) President Johnson arrives at the Isosceles Triangle
(formerly the Pentagon) in Arlington, Va.
10:15 A.M. Meeting with Joint Chiefs of Staff. Topics to be discussed include progress by
Special Forces against rogue elements of the Clinton Foundation holed up in the
Catskill Mountains of New York; recent changes to DoD drug policy and
consequences for troops who take a drug test and do not have marijuana in their
system; and whether to designate Nepal as a Major Non-NATO Ally in advance of
the President’s upcoming climb of Mount Everest. If time permits, President Johnson will have
an informal meet-and-greet with Washington Proud Native Americans owner Daniel
Snyder on progress on building the franchise’s new stadium on land vacated by
DoD after recent budget cuts.
12:00 P.M. President Johnson hails Uber car.
12:30 P.M. Tripartisan Policy Lunch with U.S. Sens. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) and Katie
McGinty (D-Pa.)*, focused on wetland conservation. The discussion will include providing
incentives for property owners to preserve wetlands on private land, new uses
of data sampling in the management of threatened and endangered species, and
whether we’re all just in one big wetland since our bodies are two-thirds water.
1:30 P.M. President
Johnson receives Moshe Pitt, Ambassador from the State of Israel, and Vydonch
U. Kissov, Ambassador from the Russian Federation, for a discussion on displaced
persons in the former Syria and Iraq following the recent war between Israel
and Iran (now the Russian Imperial Oblast of South Azerbaijan).
3:00 P.M. Ongoing
negotiations with Ambassador Laura Ingraham regarding a free-trade pact between
the United States and the Trump/Gingrich Colony of New Queens, located on the
moon.
4:20 P.M. President
Johnson retreats to personal quarters.
NO PRESS.
5:00 P.M. Afternoon
Cabinet meeting. President Johnson will
brief members of the Cabinet on recent insights he has gained regarding the
meaning of human existence. Meeting to
last until the pattern on Vice President William Weld’s tie reminds President
Johnson of a particularly amusing Budweiser commercial from 2006, causing him
to giggle uncontrollably.
6:00 P.M. President
Johnson receives Supreme Court Justice Ron Paul for dinner. Justice Paul will be having a grilled chicken
breast with a balsamic reduction, pear-and-arugula salad, and a glass of
Chardonnay; President Johnson will be having fifteen bags of Doritos and two
twenty-ounce bottles of Mountain Dew.
7:00 P.M. Screening
of the classic 1939 film “The Wizard of Oz” synced with the classic Pink Floyd
album “Dark Side of the Moon”. Invitees
include the Kansas Congressional delegation; Warren Z. Koch, a previously
unknown Koch brother; and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden.
9:00 P.M. Vision
Quest. President Johnson will be joined
by former Vice President Biden and (via video uplink from Taos, N.M.) Prancing Coyote, a
prominent Navajo shaman. President
Johnson will be located in the Situation Room (physically) and in the outer arm
of the Andromeda Galaxy (spiritually).
11:00 P.M. President Johnson retires to personal quarters for the night.
*Yes, I still support Pat
Toomey. I’m trying to jinx her.
